


Wedding Planner In Love?

by justanartist



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-22 02:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 87,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1572098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanartist/pseuds/justanartist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt Hummel, wedding planner, fell in love, with his best friends fiance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

The big city traffic was horrible that day and I knew I wouldn't be there on time. Me, wedding planer Kurt Hummel, would be late on the day when I was suppose to meet the fiance of my friend Rachel Berry. I wasn't angry about me because my friend was waiting, no, her family was pretty famous and rich like the family of her fiance. The Berry's a very well known fashion designer and since Rachel and I were pretty close friends I literally used this connection for my clients. Their wedding dresses were always the prettiest and also their suits, like everything they designed. Sure, for me personally was it something good too because I didn't have to worry about new good looking suits or shirt's, ties, bow ties, everything. I loved to look good and I had to look good as a wedding planer. How I looked like when I was alone in my apartment didn't matter. What mattered now was that Rachel sent me a text almost every 5 minutes and I couldn't answer. It was a hot late summer day, my body was already sweaty and I punched with my palm against the car horn.

Fuck, I was already fifteen minutes late. They would fire me, I thought for one second but I knew they wouldn't. First, I've been never late and second, we already had planed Rachel's wedding dress, the guest list and where the wedding should happen. Rachel and her dads were been very pleased with my ideas and Rachel knew I was good at what I did. Probably the best. Finally, the cars started to move and I saw the restaurant where we wanted to meet and have dinner with her dad's, her fiance and his parents. I parked next to the pavement, jumped out of the car, grabbed my jacket and saw Rachel standing on the chairs, waving and smiling.

"I'm sorry, Rachel!"

"No time to talk!"

She grabbed my hand and we went quickly inside the . She wore a red dress, her brown hair open, while I was wearing a dark gray suit, a white shirt and tie and hair perfectly styled. Good, this was good, everything was fine I told myself and calmed slowly down. It wasn't the first time I had to plan a wedding with famous people. But this was my friend Rachel Berry, and I knew her since high school. Now we were 25 and she was engaged. Well, it all happened pretty fast because the other family was famous too and also had their own fashion label.

"What was their name again?"

"Anderson. His name is Blaine Anderson and his parents are Jane and Eric Anderson," I nodded, repeating their name inside of my head as we walked through the corridor into the big, luxurious restaurant.

The chairs and tables were white, the walls too and the ground dark wooden. I saw Rachel's dad's smiling at me and then the Andersons. Jane was a pretty woman, tiny, dark brown long hair and blue eyes. Eric had black hair, was tall, stunning and had hazel eyes. I've never seen such pretty people but at the same time something was strange. What it was I couldn't tell but I my stomach felt sick. Maybe I was just nervous because of the Anderson's. A deep breath and I nodded at Rachel as we came closer and Rachel introduced myself.

"Mr. and Mrs. Anderson. This is my friend and our wedding planer Kurt Hummel."

I shook their hands and smiled, wondering where Rachel's fiance was. I've never met him or saw a picture because this all happened so fast. It was three months ago when she told me about Blaine and their wedding and how much she loved him. Three fucking months? I couldn't believe her but she was just too happy and her world was all pink and unicorns that I said nothing and waited that she would come back to earth. But she didn't and although she said nothing I knew why this wedding happened. I mean, those people were famous designers, they had their own famous fashion label and with a wedding they could make one, big, successful, new label. I was just a wedding planer, happy about my work and well known. Yeah, my life was pretty good so I said nothing about this because it was out of my business. I just asked Rachel once if she was really happy and she said yes, always. And as long as she was happy I would keep my mouth shut. A fight with those two big labels was the last thing I needed and wanted.

"We've heard about you. I loved the wedding you organized for Collins," Mrs. Anderson smiled and seemed to be smitten.

"Thank you."

"Where is Blaine?" Rachel asked and looked around and then even I recognized someone was missing. This mysterious Blaine Anderson I've only heard stories about. I wondered if he would be as pretty as his parents were but I guessed he was, well, Rachel always told me about how handsome and stunning he was. "Sit down sweetie, he'll be here soon. The traffic is horrible at this hour."

"Oh yes, I can tell," I sighed and we sat down, keeping a free chair between me and Rachel. Her dads and the Andersons talked about their fashion labels or more, what they could to together after the wedding. I heard something about wedding dresses and yes, I knew that they wanted to make a new line with wedding dresses because it was the perfect time. Rachel would wear those dresses, photographers would shoot some pictures, then they would design the suits for the men and the dresses for the bridesmaid and I would be the one, helping that everything went straight. No chaos, no mistakes. Working for famous people was always and would always be very stressful. There were nights I didn't sleep at all and days when the bride totally freaked out about a wrong color, or the wrong food or the wrong flowers. But I also had those non famous clients and it was a blessing for my soul. They were just 'normal', understanding and wanted to have a nice, beautiful small wedding. I loved those kind of weddings but I also liked those big weddings because they were ever a challenge for me to become better and better. And yeah, the payment I got was also a point why I liked them. No, I didn't want to be rich. I just wanted to have enough money so I didn't have to think about work and just settle down for a while and travel through the world, buy a nice house at the ocean and just live my life and do the things I couldn't do because of my work. Not forever, but for two or three years maybe. And beside this, I wanted to keep some money for my own wedding. Well I hadn't found the right man but...

"I'm sorry! Traffic!" Rachel and her dads turned around on their chairs as a young man ran to our direction.

"Blaine, finally," I heard Mr. Anderson and looked for Blaine but I couldn't see him because Rachel's head was in my way.

"Blaine, you know Kurt is busy," Rachel complained and Blaine came closer, kissed her cheek and apologized.

"The famous Kurt Hummel, finally I can meet you."

I stood up, mouth slightly open, my eyes stuck on Blaine's face and my heart pounding like crazy. There I was, Kurt Hummel, 25 years old, gay, falling in love at first sight. Falling in love with Blaine Anderson. Falling in love with my friend's fiance. My life that had been so good, so organized and calm turned into pure chaos, into a hurricane of emotions and disbelief.

"Yeah... finally," I swallowed the get rid off the lump in my throat and tried to smile.


	2. Chapter 2

The whole way back to my agency was like a trip with a roller coaster, well inside my head it felt like that. I cursed the NYC traffic, I cursed my life, my heart, everything. I felt like a teenager who fell in love within some seconds with the difference that I already had some love expierence and was no teenager anymore. For fucks sake, I was 25, I took my work serious, I was a professional but this Blaine Anderson crashed my world and I knew, I just knew it, it wouldn't be easy to forget him. He had everything I wanted and maybe it was crazy to say that (because I only met him for two hours) but he had it. He was beautiful, smart, charming, his ridiculous big golden eyes were intoxicating, his tan skin perfect smooth, his whole body was just... I groaned as I stood and waited for the green light.

This was horrible, stupid and not right. Not at all. Rachel was one of my best friends, one of my friends I knew for years and the one with very rich and famous parents. Me organizing her wedding and at the same time the wedding of the family Anderson (which were also rich and famous) meant for me get a name in this town. Sure I wasn't an unknown wedding planner but this would be just another step further, the final step. Then I could lean back slowly, give my office to Mercedes or Santana (who were working with me) and finally, finally find the time for me. I could use the money to finally travel around the world, meet more people, find the house at the ocean and maybe even find the Mr. Right for me. Well... this point was already crossed off my list.

_No! No, no, no!_

The light jumped from red to green and as I drove along I heard the song out of the radio.

 _Heaven... I'm in heaven,_  
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak.  
And I seem to find the happiness I seek,  
When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek. 

"Shut up!" I shouted at my radio (my radio!) and smacked it so it went out.

_Fuck Everything!_

* * *

I must be insane, I thought. Who shouted at a radio? Who had a discussion with his radio? And who on earth stormed inside his agency where all his workers smiled at him, happy, greeting their boss and I just glared at them. I hated to dark purple walls, the white chairs, desks and before I said anything stupid I walked through the corridor straight to my office.

I loosened my tie, sighed in frustration and tried to forget this stupid smile Blaine had on his face, while all where praising him and Rachel and eating their chocolate cake. For the first time in my life I really didn't want to do this job. I wanted to go home, hide myself under my sheets and watch all the episodes of Desperate Housewife's and this for 3 months until this stupid wedding was over. Someone else would do it, there were enough wedding planners, but no, I had the great luck that I was Rachel's friend, that she told her parents and Blaine's that I was the best for this job. Yeah, my luck turned into something I didn't know how to name. Bad luck? My own ruin? And then there was my sanity, telling me, you need this job, you are one step away from your goal. Groaning I sank down on my couch and stared through my apartment as if I tried to find something new. But no it looked like always. My desk in the middle of the room, on the right side my office cupboard, walls white. Yeah nothing new.

I stood up, sat down in front of my desk and checked my post. The usual stuff I thought, nothing special until I saw the cover of the magazine I used to get. I choked as I saw Blaine and Rachel on the cover and the announcement of their wedding. And there it was again, his stupid smile, his stupid big eyes, his stupid beautiful face and how ridiculous happy he looked next to Rachel. I grabbed the magazine, groaned and threw it through my room so it hit the door, which went open and Mercedes squeaked. I didn't care, I just leaned back into my chair and crossed my arms before my chest.

"What the hell?" she said as she stepped inside and closed the door behind her, wearing a black skirt, yellow blouse and dark vest. My lips were closed and my eyes focused on my desk.

"Well... you spit it out or I tell everybody that we should take a break until you calm down."

she knew that I could be really bitchy if I had a bad day and that no one should be close to me. Those days didn't happen many times because I loved my crew and I loved my job and we usually came along. But today was different and I knew it would be like this for the next three months or I would just quit it and wait for another big opportunity. Whenever I would get this chance again.

"Didn't you meet Rachel and her fiance?" she asked as I still said nothing and picked up the magazine from the ground.

"I did."

She stared at the cover and looked up at me again, stepped closer and put the magazine down on my desk again. Without wanting it my eyes moved back to the cover, studying the god damn beautiful face and I sighed, which was a mistake.

"No," Mercedes breathed.

"What?"

"No! I know that look! No, Kurt!"

She placed her hands on the desk, leaned forward and stared right into my eyes, seeing what I couldn't say, what I didn't want to say out loud.

"Kurt, first he is straight, okay? And you need this job."

"Did I say anything?" I tried to deny it but Mercedes knew me too well. Far too well for my own good.

"You don't need to say anything. I see it and Santana will see it too."

I rather took a lesson and some sanity from Mercedes instead of Santana. She was far too honest, far too harsh, it was a good attitude for this job, but not for myself. Not now. Maybe I just had a crush, maybe it was really just a stupid crush and next week it would be all over. I mean, he was straight, he was engaged, with my friend Rachel and he was the son of a famous fashion line, famous... but I kind of knew this wasn't just a stupid crush. This was something serious and it scared the hell out of me and frustrated me.

I leaned forward, elbows on the desk and my hands grabbing my hair while I groaned.

"I don't know what to do. I can't do this job. He is just perfect."

"But he is straight, Kurt and you need this job."

"I know that Mercedes. I know that and I know I should act professional but I don't know if I can."

She sighed, moved around and took my face into her hands and forced me to look right into her eyes.

"Listen, Kurt Hummel. Listen closely. You'll do this job, you'll do it better than any job you ever did and after three months you won't see them ever again, not accidentally just on birthdays or something. Don't you remember all the crushes you had on straight guys? How did it end?"

"Me being a mess," I said as she pulled away.

"And do you remember all the relationships you had and the one night stands?"

"Yes."

"And that you never wanted something halfhearted again?"

"Fine, got it."

Mercedes was right. After the 3 months I would have enough money to take a break for at least 2 years and leave this country, travel around and then come back, find a nice place to live and maybe, while I do all this I find the right guy for me. Yeah, that was a good plan, I tried to convince me. She smiled but then I saw the pity in her eyes and I raised one eyebrow. What now? I said I would focus on my work, I wouldn't let my feelings decide and do this rationally.

"You know I have to tell Santana. I mean about your crush? Just to make sure you won't do something stupid."

I groaned again and nodded. Yeah, probably it was for the better if she knew and had an eye on me.

* * *

* * *

 _I was never ever so pissed in my life_.

"Oh it looks beautiful!" Rachel squeaked like a little girl.

"It looks even more beautiful when you'll wear it," Blaine kissed her forehead when we stood inside of 'The Bridal Garden'.

_I was never ever so pissed in my life, really._

They both walked around the dress, totally blown away by the white smooth fabric, the beautiful decollete, with a flower pattern... I didn't care about anything else because I knew she would decide the wedding dress and not me. I only cared about one thing, the stunning guy next to her. He was wearing a suit, like me, hair slicked back, skin flawless, tan and I almost lost myself while I watched him moving, saw how pleased with himself he was and it made me sick.

_Stop being so perfect!_

"What do you think Kurt?" I almost jumped up because I was still dreaming about how Blaine would look like without these clothes. I was sure he would be totally gorgeous, nice arms, nice legs, maybe chest hair?

"I think it's beautiful."

"So do I!"

It was decided, Rachel had her wedding dress and I said nothing about that we worked against my plan. First I wanted to look for the perfect location and if it even was possible or good to celebrate their wedding wherever it should happen. Then we would think about the decoration and food and at the end we would decide what clothes the bride and bridegroom should wear. The thing was, this wedding should be unforgettable, magical and planned in 3 months. This was not enough time for me but they were in a hurry because of this damn fashion show they had in autumn (I think it was October). They were crazy, really. It was July, summer and like there was such a thing like summer vacation and hot sun and... everything just pissed me off. But I wore my poker face and thought about one thing, September the 19th it will be over. They would go on their honeymoon and I would travel to London and start my Europe trip.

As we were on our way outside they both wanted to eat dinner with me and, because it was part of my job I agreed. Sure if I said no it wouldn't change anything between me and Rachel, but Blaine didn't know me and so did his parents. They needed to see that I took my job serious, that I was a professional and even if it almost hurt me to watch them being so oh-my-good-I-love-you-so-much-you-are-so-beautiful-no-your-are-oh-can-we-have-this-whatever-you-want-dear I had to deal with it. Blaine drove us through the town to a restaurant and I didn't pay much attention to anything. All I was thinking about was my meeting with Santana later and my bed and I needed my bed more than anything tonight. Not because I was tired just because I realized, more and more that this really was no stupid crush. It was something serious and I could feel it but my mind kept on saying, you'll see it's just a crush. And I hoped that, I really did.

After a while we sat inside the expensive restaurant, ordered our meals and after an hour (God it felt like eternity they were even feeding each other and I wanted to throw something between them) as I couldn't stand it anymore.

"So you wanted to tell me something?" I asked Rachel and gave Blaine a last sweet smile and turned to look at me.

"Yes. Well I have to leave, next week, for four weeks, because of a fashion show in Europe, and I've already told Blaine what I want, where I want to marry and everything. He'll show you everything."

"Wait, Rachel. You can't just leave at let me and Blaine decide everything. Just think about it, what if you don't like the place, or the decoration, the colors I can't just change everything within two months I..."

She cut me off.

"I trust Blaine and we already talked about everything. It will be fine, really."

I said nothing, I just sighed, nodded and leaned back knowing I couldn't change her mind. I knew what Rachel liked, I knew how her wedding should look like, that wasn't the point. I just made excuses. Excuses not to be alone with Blaine for 4 weeks.

* * *

"I believe Kurt will do a great job so you'll be happy," Blaine said and looked at me with a sweet smile.

* * *

This was kind of odd for me. I knew Rachel was busy and she took her job as serious as I did. But this was her wedding and she just left for 4 weeks and let me and Blaine plan and decide everything. I remembered as I walked back home (where Santana was waiting for me because she couldn't make it to the agency) how Rachel used to talk about her wedding. It should be magical, dreamy, like in all those Hollywood movies. Something memorable, something she would always love to look back at. So it was completely out of character for me, that she just didn't really care about anything. Or maybe I tried to tell this to myself, because it could mean so much like, she didn't really loved Blaine. Or Blaine her, or whatever. Yeah I probably tried to find some excuses to get closer to him, although he was straight. What a great life I have.

Finally I reached my building, opened the front door and took the elevator to the top floor. As the elevator opened and I stepped outside I already saw Santana waiting before my door, clearly not amused.

"Mercedes told me everything and I hope you made up your mind," she snapped at me.

"Calm down," I snapped back and opened the door.

Different from my workplace my apartment wasn't purple. It was brown and white and one big room (only the bathroom had a door). On the left side was my kitchen, the right side my living room and in the left corner was ma ridiculous big bed. For me alone it was far too big. Like in the past I sometimes took someone with me, an one-night-stand but those times were over because I wanted to focus on me, my job, my little dream and then I wanted to find something serious.

_Well, thanks Blaine Anderson._

"So," Santana said and let herself fall down on my dark green couch while I turned the coffee machine on: "Before we start to talk about your stupid crush, which frankly could ruin your dream, tell me your plan. Three months isn't that much time for such a big glamorous wedding."

"Well, plans have changed a bit. Rachel won't be here for a month and I need to work alone with Blaine."

"Wait," Santana's face said 'are you fucking kidding me': "It's her wedding. I remember how Berry always cried until our ears hurt about her perfect wedding, her perfect dress."

I shrugged and said nothing because this already crossed my mind, but I told myself that it was just me who thought so. Apparently I was wrong. Santana watched me, like a cat watching a mouse and crossed her arms before her chest.

"She told me, that she and Blaine already talked about everything and I should decide what would be the best place, or decoration and so on."

Her eyebrows moved closer and I gave her a mug with coffee as I sat down, next to her and took a sip. Gosh, this was a really good coffee but her eyes, literally trying to read my thoughts made me uncomfortable.

"But she has her dress."

"Kurt, listen," she put her mug on the coffee table and sighed, slid her black hair back and looked at me with intense.

"I know we'll create a great wedding, the wedding their parents want and Rachel and Blaine. Not matter if we only have a week to do it or three months. But only if you don't let yourself fall for this guy."

"I am not!" I protested but she looked at me again like I wasn't serious, like she knew it better. And she did know it better.

"Okay... maybe. But he is just everything I wanted. I thought it would change, stop, I really hoped it would after today."

"He is straight, Kurt. You've been through this so many times and I don't have to remind you, how often we dragged you out of your bed because you were a mess about some stupid boys."

When it came to love I was one of those human beings that had no luck at all. Countless crushes that faded after some days, three relationships and then I had one-night-stands because I loved sex and also because it was nice, from time to time to have someone next to you during the night. It was fun at the beginning and sometimes I thought it could become something serious until they said, no thank you and I was left alone, again. But all those sleepless nights, the work and watching my friends fall in love and get married really hit me hard. This all happened within three years, while I opened my own agency, wanted to become the best wedding planner and it was exhausting. A year ago I stopped and now I was there, had my big job, my golden ticket to the world.

"I know that Santana. But the last time you had to drag me out of my bed was a year ago."

"Yeah, because we insert some sanity in your head. You were totally out of control."

"I know that!" I snapped and stood up: "But you see. I still have some one-night-stands and do a fabulous job at the same time. I changed, okay? It's just, I think there is something strange going on."

"Obviously. Berry would never not be here when it's about her wedding."

"See? That's what I thought too."

Santana leaned forward, studied my face and placed her hand over her own: "And this guys?"

I bit my lower lip and looked away from her. Despite I had a terrible crush on Blaine there was something too that just didn't fit.

"I don't know, I have a crush I'm the wrong person to tell you the truth about him. Because all I see is just what I want. It's all just... weird, you know?"

We were silent for a while and I needed to order my dizzy mind. I felt like an idiot, still. This was me, searching for something that would make this crush not hopeless, not stupid. I don't know what I was looking for, but I wanted to find something.

"I tell you this. Their families are famous, have a lot of money and influence. I bet, Kurt, one call and you would lose everything you've been working so hard for."

Silent, my eyes staring at her while my head slowly went back to earth.

"I understand you and I get that Berry's behavior is totally weird. But, for whatever reason this is happening, this wedding and everything, we'll just do it, okay? Our job is just to create an awesome wedding. The rest is none of our business."

Nodding I said nothing, because she was right. Maybe we were wrong, maybe Rachel and Blaine were just really so much in love it seemed to be weird. But I needed the money...

...and Blaine was straight.

* * *

* * *

A week later Rachel was gone and gave Blaine my cellphone number, my e-mail and told him also where I lived, just in case.

Just in case?

I almost got a heart attack when he called me that morning, while I was still asleep to come to his parents fashion house and meet him there to check our schedule and start to look for the locations. Well the locations they'd chose and I only had to say if it would be good or not.

So I stood up, took a quick shower and made sure (and I felt very stupid) too look as good as possible. On my way to the fashion house I wrote Santana a message to meet me there, because she didn't meet Blaine yet and I thought it would be a good opportunity.

After an hour we arrived there and went inside the huge, black building, through the entrance hall which was silver and black and a woman was already waiting for us.

They had money, I thought, a lot of money. Everything was polished stone, very luxurious and I even looked down to make sure I would not leave any marks on the floor. We followed her downstairs, to the room where the artist, models and designers were. A huge room, with many tables, mirrors, sketches on the walls and clothes hanging on clothes rails.

"God, look at their dresses," Santana breathed and I just nodded but I was looking for Blaine. I just saw the workers, women and men all dressed very well and working on whatever their job was.

"So where is your sweetheart?"

"Santana!" I hissed and she just grinned and then I heard him. But what I heard wasn't the Blaine Anderson I knew.

"This is ugly and the colors don't match."

I went closer, behind the clothes rails and saw him, standing before two women. Obviously a model and a designer. The model wore a black dress with white stripes, on the left and right side, and for me it looked perfect, not too much, just elegant.

"But, Mr. Anderson last week you said it was..." the girl began but Blaine cut her off.

"Last week is not today. I want you to change that. No one would wear something like that."

The other workers turned around, ignoring the sad looking girl and the annoyed model as both went and Blaine turned around.

"Oh, Kurt!" And there was his sweet smile again and I heard Santana coughing. God forbid she shut her mouth.

"Hey Blaine. This is Santana my assistant."

"Nice to meet you," he took her hand and placed a kiss on the back of it.

"Likewise," I was relieved when I heard her saying this. It meant she wouldn't do anything stupid. At least not today.

"We can leave in a minute. I just need to make sure everything is as it should be. Maria!"

I took a step back, like Santana did and a women with blond hair came to us, watching Blaine really annoyed.

"I told you I want a purple hat and not green hat."

"And I told you purple doesn't fit to the dress. It looks stupid and since when are you qualified for telling us what we should do and what not."

Oh! Oh no, no, no, I thought and starred at Santana who just starred at Blaine and couldn't believe what we both saw. This wasn't the Blaine I knew and not the Blaine I told her about. This was some different Blaine, arguing like a diva about some clothes he had clearly no clue about. Although he was always dressed very well, here I saw nothing of his sense for fashion. Nothing.

"We wait up stairs."

I needed to get out of this room. I needed some minutes without seeing Blaine, angry, acting like he knew everything better.


	3. Shame

 

Chapter 2. Shame

 

Blaine Anderson, Blaine charming Anderson, Blaine lovely Anderson, Blaine being the biggest diva on this planet Anderson, I didn't know who he was. Really, what I saw that day was like I saw someone in the body of Blaine but not Blaine. It confused me far too much and I was glad that we checked our schedule and would meet on Saturday (which meant 4 days without dealing with him) to visit the places they've chosen for their wedding. I really tried to focus on the three places he messaged, I really tried to imagine if this was it what Rachel wanted, if it was good enough for them. But all I could think about was him.

“Kurt, for fucks sake, stop starring like you try to solve a math formula.”

I grumbled something while we were sitting inside of Starbucks, sipping some Caramel Machiato – usually I drank something else but I needed something sweet – and went through the notes we had. Outside it was raining like crazy and the glass was covered by water drops.

“I told you, just forget it. Yeah, this dude is weird but still it's non of our business.”

“I think he is hiding something.”

“Of course you think that. You have a crush, you always see the good in people. But he is just weird. He is straight, he will marry Berry and his family is rich, powerful and your ticket to your dream.”

I just nodded and pretended to read the notes for the fifth time. Maybe my crush made me think he was hiding something, maybe I was really blind and, for God's sake, he was Rachel's fiance. It was wrong what happened in my head. It was wrong all the way. But there was something, I knew it, I felt it. The way Blaine acted in his parents fashion house was not just strange, it was almost like he really hated what he was doing there. He had no sense for fashion, he didn't even care, all he did was call the workers out and making himself unpopular. Who did that on purpose? Because he was doing this on purpose.

“Hey!” she smacked my shoulder.

“Wha... what? Sorry, did you say something?”

Santana leaned back, annoyed look and folded her arms.

“Don't look at me like that. I know there is something and since I am a wedding planner and I do believe in my job and the meaning of a wedding, being married I can't ignore the fact, that this isn't happening because they want to.”

“Even _if_ , Kurt, don't let yourself into this. Be selfish for once. There are thousands of ridiculous, adorable look alike Blaine's.”

This was senseless, because she was right. What was more important for me? My dream or running after something that would break my heart?

 

* * *

“Where is Santana?” Blaine asked me as I climbed into my car, while I parked before his parents fashion house.

“She is busy with the decoration. Since we only have less than 3 months to plan your wedding, we are in a hurry.”

Blaine only nodded, wearing a dark gray suit, a red tie and looking handsome, hair slick and hot as always. _Stupid-breath-taking-Anderson_ , I thought and pressed my lips together to swallow down the groan inside my throat.

“Anyway, I checked the places you mailed me. First off all, Gotham Hall no, Rachel wouldn't like that.”

Blaine laughed: “Yeah she doesn't like Batman. I thought it would be great, I love superheros.”

Oh God, be more adorable for a 25 year old.

“And 'The Lighthouse at Chelsea Piers' is far too big. You only have 100 guests so I think 'The Central Park Boathouse ' would be perfect. It's really one of the most beautiful and magical places to marry. I organized plenty of weddings there.”

“If you say so,” he said, almost bored and I nodded slowly.

[(www.thecentralparkboathouse.com/private-events.php)](http://www.thecentralparkboathouse.com/private-events.php)

It took us almost an hour because the traffic was horrible. The last time I walked through the Central Park was with my ex-boyfriend, when everything was fine and after we broke up I never found the time to come back here. Bless my memories weren't this good so I didn't feel uncomfortable being here.

We went through the entrance, inside the pretty house and I greeted the women who opened the door for us. We were standing in a hall, brown floor and walls, huge windows with white painted window frames and a perfect view on the lake. Luckily the weather was good today. Blaine walked past me, studying the round tables, the chairs, the huge lamps on the ceiling, just everything.

“What do you think?” I asked him while he pulled his hands inside his pants pocket.

“Rachel would love it.”

“And you? I mean it's not only Rachel's wedding, it's also your wedding.”

“I'm fine with whatever Rachel wants,” and he smiled sweetly. This guy was really a walking mystery for me. The last time I saw him he was fighting with the designers and models, now he stood there, in the middle of the hall, looking around, looking gorgeous and smiling like prince charming. Everything just didn't fit at all. With Rachel he was far more enthusiastic about the wedding. Alone with me he almost didn't care and back then in the fashion house he changed into a diva. Or maybe he just had a bad day. I hoped he had a bad day and I hoped this was just my crush, making me see things that weren't there.

We went outside, walking along the porch, Blaine still studying everything and I leaned against the railing, watching the lake, the trees and enjoyed the sun. Santana was right, my dream was more important than this senseless crush I had. He was straight anyway.

“So you are married?” he asked me as he came back and stood next to me, still looking at the countless round tables and black chairs.

“Um, no.”

“Really? Didn't find the right woman yet? I mean, as a wedding planner you meet a lot of woman, right?”

I smiled a little, tried not to laugh and shrugged: “Well that's true.”

He had no idea that I was gay and I was kind of surprised about that. Maybe Rachel didn't say it because it didn't matter. Or maybe he was uncomfortable with gay men? Or Rachel never thought about it because she was always focused on herself. Probably that.

“To be honest, I'm not into women.”

His head moved to my direction, furrowed his eyebrows and eyes big. We said nothing and I watched how the sun sunk into his eyes and made them look even more like honey, almost gold. Too beautiful, really, too beautiful and I wondered if my crush on him would ever stop when I saw this. This... everything, although his character was weird so far, everything else was just intoxicating.

“So you are gay,” it was no question and I just nodded and he suddenly smiled, bright, honest and I raised one eyebrow.

“What?”

“Nothing. I have nothing against it. Anyway, would you like to marry here if you could?”

“Um... yeah, sure. I think it's perfect.”

And he nodded, smiling wide and relieved? No... I just saw stuff that wasn't there. I wanted to see stuff that wasn't there and his beauty made me just blind. That was all, nothing more, just me being blind.

 

* * *

 

It was all done so far. The actual marriage would happen in a church and the reception in the boathouse. The next days I spent with Santana talking about the decoration, creating examples and then I would meet Blaine and show them to him. Rachel called me twice a day and told me what she wanted and it was always something else. First she wanted everything to be white, then white and black, then dark red and white and it made me crazy. So I created three examples, from which I had to chose the best and she would like them and yes, she agreed. The benefit of being her friend and the luxury of having her trust made it easy sometimes, although I knew she could turn into an insane women. I understood that, she wanted the wedding to be perfect, like everything she did she wants hundred percent. Still I had to struggle with my head because most of the time there was Blaine. His words, his voice, his face, everything. He took so much place in my head that I even imagined him one lonely night and felt disgusted with myself. Having wet dreams about your best friends fiance was not right and I wished I could just forget him. Santana was right but I needed to talk to someone else.

So I met Mercedes one evening in my apartment. She was working for me too and knew how to calm the brides down and make everything perfect and hide the mistakes. Santana was more the one who didn't accept mistakes and snapped, making the brides more nervous than they already were.

“So, Rachel's getting married,” she beamed and I nodded as we sat together in my kitchen.

“Well, I guess.”

“You guess?” she cocked an eyebrow and began to read my face. It was frustrating that she and Santana read me like an open book. I blamed it on the amount of time we spent together in the last years and became a good team.

“I always thought she would marry Finn, to be honest. I mean they were together for so long and then suddenly a break up?”

“Yeah, well, who knows what happened Finn nor Rachel want to talk about it. Why do you come up with this. Is Finn planning to bump the wedding?”

“Of course not. But I know he isn't happy about that, which doesn't mean that he'll do anything. I just thought about this whole Blaine and Rachel thing and isn't it strange that they get married, although they know each other how long? Some months?”

Mercedes gazed at me with a piercing look and then pursed her lips: “So that's what Santana meant.”

“Santana?”

“She said you are kind of obsessed with finding something so you can stop this wedding because you have a crush on Rachel's cutie of a fiance.”

I almost choked on my coffee as I heard her words and glared at her. I should have known it better, of course Santana would talk about it. Not because she wanted to make me angry or anything, only because she loved to talk about this stuff and made sure the others knew, what was going on with me.

“Is this a new hobby of yours? Gossiping about your boss?”

“Don't pull the 'I'm-your-boss' card, Kurt. We are friends and Santana has a point. Don't stick your nose into stuff that will cause you anything but trouble.”

* * *

 

As I went to sleep and needed almost two hours to finally fall asleep I thought about what Santana and Mercedes told me, and yeah, they were right of course. Me, a humble wedding planner who loved his work and only wanted to plan this wedding, get the money and then, finally make on of my dreams come true. Going far away, seeing new places, meet new people, maybe even someone who I could marry one day. Well, the last point left a really bad taste in my mouth and old memories came up in my mind about my ex-fiance. It was ironic that I was so passionate about my job although my own wedding never happened and the whole being engaged thing turned into a total disaster. One reasons more why I couldn't fall asleep that easily. I didn't want to think about him or the time we were engaged, it was a bad time. The moment I felt how I slowly drift off to sleep I became calm, relaxed and then my phone was ringing and I growled into my pillow. Who the hell called me around 2:30a.m.?

I rolled to the left side of my bed, took my buzzing phone from the nightstand to the sound of... the fuck?

 

 _Well shake it up baby now twist and shout_  
come on come on come on baby now come on and work it on out   
well work it all out you know you look so good   
you know you got me going now just like you knew you would 

 

The Beatles? What happened to my Gaga ring tone? What the hell? Someone would pay for this and it would be Santana, I was sure about that. Rubbing my eyes I looked at the display and saw Blaine's name and another groan fell from my lips. Was the whole world kidding me since I met this guy? Did I just take bad luck into my life without knowing it and was even willing to take it all, if I had the chance? _Great, awesome, fuck everything._

“Hello?” I mumbled as I picked up the call.

“ _Bottom or top?”_

Suddenly I was fully awake and needed to recall his words in my mind while my body reacted, heat swirling in a place of my body it shouldn't happen. He was talking about decorations or whatever, but it was for sure about the wedding. Of course he was talking about that and everything else was my frustration because the last time I slept with someone was months ago.

“What are you talking about, Blaine?”

“ _What do you think I'm talking about?”_ his voice was different, unsteady, like... he was drunk. Oh great...

“ _Tell me, Kurt,”_ he breathed and holy shit, was he... no. No way in hell he was doing this: _“I bet you like both. Taking control over things. I bet you are flexible...”_

He was breathing, heavy, right into my ear and my heart pumped all the blood in my body right into my cock.

“You... you are drunk. You don't know what you are saying.”

“ _I would really like to know Kurt... ah...”_

He was moaning, he was _moaning_ right into my ear and I heard sheets moving, heard a groan and him mumbling something. Oh god... no, this was not good, this was bad, so bad and in my panic I just hung up and threw my phone away, hearing how it crashed against my wall and falling to the floor. My breath left and filled my lungs to fast, my heart pounded so fast it felt unhealthy and my body was burning because, damn, he sounded so horny, so good... his voice low, filled with lust and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I didn't understand what happened... what the fuck actually had happened?! Maybe this was a habit Blaine had when he was drunk? He for sure didn't know what he was doing and maybe he was just curious or worse, making fun of me? Groaning I buried my face into my pillow, feeling my hard cock screaming for attention and I gave in, slipping my hand under the waistband of my pajama bottoms and started to jerk off. This was bad, so, so bad...

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

Chapter 3. Tease

 

The next day was horrible. I woke up to find my sheets damp, my pajama bottoms damp and feeling completely disgusting. Annoyed and not fully awake I reached out for my phone to check the time but my hand only found the wooden ground of my nightstand. Too fast I jerked my head from my pillow, seeing my phone wasn't there and turned to the other side to find my clock which showed me the time 8:43am.

 _Shit!_ I jumped out of my bed and looked around my room to find my phone one the ground, broken, which brought the memory back why it was _there_ and not where it supposed to be. His voice, his moan, everything that happened before I fell asleep came back and again my cock and mind weren't working together. Shame, deep shame crawled through my body, making me feel even more disgust and all I wanted to do was to hide or run away, to just pack my stuff, forget everything and everyone. Actually it wasn't my fault that he called me, that he asked me this stuff, that he was – I mean it couldn't be any other way – jerking off while talking to me. And I did the same. I was aroused by his voice, by the sounds he made and by the idea that he was doing this, touching himself while thinking about me and I felt so much shame that I wished I could just forget what happened. I may had a crush but he was still Rachel's fiance, he would marry her and be with her and what was he doing? What was Blaine doing? What the fuck was going on anyway!?

A deep, annoyed sigh fell from my lips as I stood up and picked my phone from the floor. Well, shit it was really broken.

 

I took a quick shower, jumped into sweatpants, a simple shirt, grabbed my bag and left my apartment. There was no time for breakfast, no time for styling my hair or anything else that was part of my morning routine because I was running late. Santana was freaking out and trying to call me, Mercedes was worried and Finn would just sit there and try to calm them down. I literally saw it in my mind while I climbed into my car, started the engine and drove down the street, already seeing the usual New York city traffic.

* * *

 

 

“Where have you been!? What the hell happened to you?” Santana snapped at me, her eyes judging my outfit while Mercedes had her mouth open, not believing what she was seeing and Finn's eyes where wide, sliding from my face, down my clothes and up again.

“Shut up, Santana I'm already annoyed enough and have no time for your big mouth.”

“Whoa, look he's being bossy,” she said with fake surprise in her voice.

I closed the door to my office, walked pass them and left my bag on my desk, walking to my closet and pulling out a dark suit. It was a good idea when I bought this building to have my own bathroom and closet here, just in case. My agency was closer to the heart of the city than my apartment so I could safe a lot of time between all my driving from job to job and meeting to meeting.

“So, what happened Kurt? The last time you begin to be late for work your life turned into a disaster.”

“What do you think? He got laid. I bet he got laid, which is good because if I hear one more time about how this Berry-Anderson thing is something fishy I'll want more money for my work. I feel like a therapist.”

Mercedes rolled her eyes, Finn sat next to her clearly uncomfortable with the situation and Santana was smirking.

“I have to be right, because Hummel didn't even turned on his phone.”

“I broke it,” I said before she could say anything else about her crazy theories about my private life.

“Hot,” she smiled with raised eyebrows.

“No, I threw it against my wall and broke it.”

Saying this they all turned quiet, eyes quizzically and I minded my own business, walked into my bathroom to change my clothes and style my hair. As I came back they still were sitting there in silence, watching me and waiting for an explanation. Well I wouldn't tell them – especially not with Finn around – what happened. Fixing my tie I walked to my desk, opened the drawer and took my other phone out to put the sim card inside. It wasn't the first time that my phone broke but it was the first time that I broke it. That's why I kept all my contacts in a small book and in a second phone.

“Why are you still here? Don't you have something to work on, like the decoration, Santana? Or calling the other wedding that needs to be planned, Mercedes?”

With a huff they both stood up, Santana mumbling something about me being bossy and left my office so that Finn and I were alone.

“Everything's alright?” I asked and finally he broke out of his frozen state.

“Um, yeah, fine. Well, no, not really.”

I shoved the phone into my jacket pocket and cocked an eyebrow as Finn bit is lower lip and was struggling with words.

“Something with dad or mom?”

“No... no. They are fine. It's... actually it's about Rachel.”

“Rachel?”

Finn nodded while I sat down, flipped through my calender and found the next meeting I would have. It was almost 10am so I had almost two hours time to get there.

“You know, I mean... I get it that she gets married but yesterday, as I drove this rich couple to their wedding and they were talking about Rachel and her fiance. Something about him being a really bad guy and that she deserves better.”

Oh... oh yeah, I knew some sides of Blaine that made no sense at all to me. It was really like I met three different persons. Charming, Mr. perfect-son-in-law, diva Blaine and horny Blaine who probably had no problem with calling guys and jerk off to their voice? He was drunk so who knew if he even remembered this call. I really hoped he didn't.

“I mean, if she is sure about that, fine. I'm only worried and I want her to be happy.”

“Don't worry Finn. I know how much you care about her and I still don't understand why you two broke up anyway. But that's none of my business, so, what I want to say is, Blaine is good to her.”

This wasn't even a lie it was the truth. Blaine always treated her like a princess and agreed with all her wishes. He almost acted like he didn't care about the wedding or at least how the wedding should be. Maybe he just wanted to get finally married or maybe... not?

I shook my head and smiled at Finn: “Don't worry. I have an eye on her.”

“Good. That's actually all I wanted to know. So... um, I go and do my delivery.”

 

* * *

 

The next day I had another meeting with Blaine and I wasn't ready for it. He didn't call me back nor did he send me a message or anything. It was like nothing happened and maybe, for him, nothing happened because he was drunk. So it wouldn't be surprising if he actually forgot what he did, which didn't make things better. And on that day we wanted to talk about the food he and Rachel wanted for the wedding. I already thought about some restaurants and possibilities but they both told me that Blaine's family had their own cooks and own ideas so that I should only take a taste of their food and decide which would be good. Honestly? Usually I did this kind of stuff but because it was Rachel it was somehow ridiculous for me to go there and give a judgment about their food. Anyway, she asked me to do her this favor and so I gave in.

We met each other in Blaine's apartment, which was pretty huge and as I walked into the building, took the elevator I could already smell something delicious. I stepped out of the elevator as I reached the top floor and stood still staring at the dark wood of his door. I was and adult, I went through awkward shit before and I would do it again. One last deep breath and then knocked against his door. It didn't take long and he opened it.

“Hey, you found it,” he smiled like... nothing happened. _And why on earth was he wearing a suit? Why was he looking so good? Why was he straight, God dammit!_

“Well, yeah. It's a pretty expensive part of the city and the building is huge and people know this place.”

He smirked and I walked inside to find myself in one huge, bright room with really expensive furniture. The kitchen was on the right side and four guys dressed in white were cooking there. The windows were huge, giving a perfect view on the city, walls white, on the left side was the living room with and two doors probably leading to the bedroom and bathroom. Yeah, it was clear that Blaine had money.

“Nice place.”

“Yeah, well after the wedding I'll probably move out, although I would like to stay here. Anyway, I thought, since it's nice outside we could eat on the balcony?”

“Sure.”

Either Blaine was a really good actor or he really had no memory of the night he called me. Which made me wonder why he was drunk anyway. I mean, I knew rich people had their meeting, their fancy parties and shit, and that drunk people usually did stuff they would never do sober. But it didn't feel like that.

I followed him to the balcony, finding a white table with two empty plates, cutlery and two white chairs. He moved my chair back, gestured me to sit down and I only raised my eyebrows. No, something was definitely strange. Thanking him I sat down, he next to me and I didn't have to find something to talk about because one of the guys came to us and placed three different variations of a salad in front of us. We both ate in silence, Blaine watching me while I avoided his eyes and said that I liked the second salad. He only nodded and called for the next meal. It went on like this, three different dishes with meat, soup, fish and I only ate a bit from everything, just to taste it and give my opinion. We didn't talk, we were awkwardly silent and after two hours I felt almost sick of all the stuff I've tasted.

“There is still the pie and the dessert,” Blaine smirked for the first time truly.

“Oh God, I'll explode if I take one more bite.”

Blaine laughed and they brought us three different pieces of a pie, ice cream and pudding. Only looking at it made me want to throw up because it was too much too even look at it.

“Okay. Then let's do this.”

Blaine smiled, his eyes shining and he shoved from each dish two to the side and there was only one piece of a pie left, one small bowl with ice cream and one pudding. Like an five year old, happy about his piece of art he looked at it, then back at me and said: “Those are my favorite and I think you'll like them.”

“I'm sure I would if I wouldn't feel like about to explode.”

“Come on, Kurt,” Blaine was pouting – he was pouting that little fucker! - and took my spoon to take some of the green ice cream on it just to hold the spoon right in front of my mouth. The hell? I was no child he didn't need to feed me and what was wrong with this guy? Who was this guys anyway? First he is this Mr. Perfect, then he turns into a diva with no sense for fashion, then he acts like the wedding was not his own wedding, then the drunk Blaine who was horny as fuck and asking me stuff that was none of his business and now... this? I eyed him, long, saying nothing and he pouted again, moving the spoon a little bit, his damn big eyes making me weak and I opened my mouth. What the hell was wrong with him? What the hell was wrong with me? I was sitting here, with my best friends fiance and let him feed me like... like a baby. Like it was the most normal thing between us. He did the same thing with the pudding and the pie and after I tasted them all he looked at me, totally excited.

“What do you think?”

“I.. I think they are good.”

“Great! We are done!” And with that the three cooks came back, cleaned the table and Blaine followed them to tell them which dishes they wanted to have at the wedding. I used his absence as a chance to calm down, to order my thoughts and to remind me why I was here and not what I wished was the reason to be here. However, it didn't change the fact that Blaine was more and more a wandering mystery for me and I really wanted to blame it on my crush that, maybe, I just saw things that weren't there. That, maybe, this all was just my imagination and I was desperate to find someone.

Blaine came back, with a pleased smile on his face and sat down, looking at me and then turning his eyes to the view on the city. I just massaged my eyes, placed one hand on my belly and sighed.

“Sorry that we had to do it here. Next time I'll take you out to a real restaurant.”

What... on... earth? Suddenly there was anger burning inside me. Why did he act the way he did? Why was he so nice and flirty? Because he was flirting with me! Was he joking about me? Because he knew I was gay and wanted to figure out if I could fall for him? Actually it made somehow sense for me, because before he knew I was gay he didn't act like this. The second I stepped inside his apartment he gave me strange looks, he made romantic – hell yes, this table and those chairs were just adorable oh and look there are even freaking flowers on the table! How did I not notice this? - atmosphere and even fed me. He was fucking feeding me like it was a date!

“You are unbelievable,” I said it out loud.

“Okay?” Blaine blinked in confusion and I groaned while I ran my hand through my hair.

“Don't get me wrong, but, first you act like you don't care about this wedding and now you just... do this.”

He turned in his chair, facing me and leaning back while he watched me: “Doing what, exactly?”

“This, Blaine!” I pointed to the table and then to the kitchen behind us: “All of this. Like... do you feed each guy you meet?”

“What?” he almost laughed: “I'm sorry but, why do you act like it's such a big deal?”

“Because you shouldn't do it. Probably you want to tease me since you know I'm gay?” I had no idea what was going with me but I really needed to let this out. It was unprofessional, it was wrong and it was none of my business – and maybe I would ruin my job with this – but I couldn't stay silent anymore. We knew each other for how long? Three weeks? _Jeez..._

“You are a tease. They way you dress and speak and walk around like you own this town. Do you think it's fair teasing me like that?”

“I do... what? Okay, fine.”

I stood up, walked back inside and Blaine was following me: “Hey, wait, where are you going?”

“Getting some sleep, since someone thinks I don't need any sleep.”

“I didn't know you have a boyfriend. Is he such a tease as you are?”

Why was he smirking? Why was he saying this stuff? What was wrong with this guy?

“See you in two weeks, Blaine.”

 

* * *

 

After the meeting with Blaine I was done I didn't go back to my apartment because I still had all these memories in my head about what happened that one night and what he said to me. So I asked Santana to stay with me and tell me about the decoration and on what she and Blaine agreed on. Not meeting Blaine for the next two weeks was all I wanted and needed because, honestly, I still didn't understand what actually had happened. It was almost like this guys was sick, like he had many different personalities inside of his small body and didn't know about that. Or he was just like that, a good actor, someone who could wear many masks and pretend to be someone. And also what was wrong with me? I usually had more patience with my customers, but he just... ugh!

Sighing I placed a bottom of wine on my desk, two glasses and then she was finally there, stepping into my office and looking exhausted as much as I did.

“Had a nice dinner with your sweetheart?”

I glared at her like I tried to kill her with my look and she just grinned and sat down on the chair in front of my desk.

“I know that you were the one who changed my ring tone.”

“I thought you liked old songs.”

“You know what I mean, Santana.”

She rolled her eyes, smiled at me with an apologetically expression and I poured some wine into our glasses and handed her one.

“What about the decoration?”

“Mmh,” she hummed as she took a sip and then spoke: “Fine. Actually it's basic stuff. Red roses on the tables, white curtains on the ceiling, you know, nothing special.”

I nodded slowly as we both were silent, the nightlight shining into my office and the wine floating over my tongue. It calmed me down a bit and I felt how tired I was after everything that happened today.

“So, judging by your expression you had no sex back that night you broke your phone?”

“No. I broke it because some idiot called me and I couldn't sleep anymore.”

“Does this idiot have a name?”

My eyes moved to her, seeing her curious look and I wasn't sure if I could tell her who it was. Santana would probably judge me, telling me that it was stupid that I still was carzy about Blaine. Because, yes, I was. Which made no sense after what happened in the past weeks. Each sane person wouldn't be so crazy and still hope for... for what exactly? He was straight, he would marry Rachel, my friend, in less then two months.

“I heard about a new bar. A karaoke bar.”

“What? Do you want to go there and make a Glee-Club reunion?”

“No. It's actually a bar for people like you and me. And I think, since you love dicks and I love boobs we should go there and find some nice company?”

With an raised eyebrow I stared at her and she sighed annoyed and rolled her eyes, pulling her shoes off her feet.

“I mean you find someone, I find someone and just have a good time? I'm not interested in your kind of sex and I don't want to see it.”

For the first time I actually laughed and watched the wine in my glass swaying slowly up and down.

“So what do you think, boss?”

“I think, next weekend is perfect.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

Chapter 4. Shout

 

Not hearing anything from Blaine, no call, no message, absolutely nothing should have been a blessing because that's what I wanted. But the first four days I kept on asking myself what he was doing, why he said those things to me and why he had done all these things. As a man who was about to get married he still didn't care at all about this wedding. In fact, he almost acted like he didn't want this wedding to happen. Well, that's what I thought but while I was reading all those magazines and saw the Andersons and also Rachel's family making a big deal about this wedding made me doubt. Perhaps I really saw it that way and it was only me who saw those things. So many people were talking about upcoming wedding, many people I was working for and they all said the same thing. How cute they looked together, how famous their fashion lines will be. In one article I read that, with the wedding, they want to put both fashion lines together and become one new one. And somewhere, in the darkest place of my thoughts I wondered if this was the reason for the wedding. What if all this was just a way to bring both fashion lines together, make create a marriage contract for their benefit?

No, I shook my head and closed the magazine. This was none of my business. This was too big for me and I kept on telling myself that Blaine was only teasing me and that's it. Nothing else, nothing important. He was straight, he would marry Rachel and have a big, rich family with her. Although he had no idea about fashion – only about his own clothes – he still had Rachel, her family and his own to help him out. It had nothing to do with me.

 

* * *

 

On Saturday, three days before Rachel would come back, I was glad that all this anger, all this disturbing feelings were gone and I didn't think about Blaine at all. Moving forward and forgetting all the stuff was my goal and Santana's idea to go to the karaoke bar was more than welcomed. We met outside of my agency at the evening and she was wearing a tight, red short dress. Yeah, this was Santana obviously on the hunt for a girl. She smirked when she saw me, wearing a dark purple shirt and tight jeans with black shoes. The first buttons were open and my hair, like usually styled how I wanted it to be.

“You look good, Hummel.”

“Well, nothing compares with your outfit.”

“I know,” she sighed dramatically and than we both laughed and walked down the street. The weather was nice, not too hot and no rain so we didn't even thought about taking a cab.

“So, we are almost done with the Berry wedding, hm?”

“Yeah. She asked me to be with them when they decide which dance they want to perform at their wedding, then we'll meet with their families to start the rehearsal for the wedding and then the vows. She really wants me to plan each step with her.”

“You are friends and she trusts you. I mean you and your crush on her Hobbit-Fiance is not really helping but I guess you are over it?”

All I did is nodding because yeah, the past two weeks I more and more distant myself from the thought and from Blaine and for the first time, since I met him, I felt like I could breath.

“Good! Then I'll find some nice ass for you!”

“I think I can do that alone.”

We laughed and after a while we went to a small street and found the bar. I opened the door and let Santana first in and as soon as I followed her I heard two guys singing, loud, happily with all the other people.

 

_Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound  
I know they're watching, they're watching _

 

By my right side was the bar, in front of us was the room, - _All the commotion, the kiddie like play  
Has people talking, talking_ \- huge with many round tables and chairs, and on the other end of the room was the stage and it even went to far that the right and left side of the room belonged to it, so people could walk it down. Two guys, wearing matching shirts and pants literally yelled into the microphone and grinned at each other, while the crowd was clapping and singing with them.

_You, your sex is on fire_

Santana began to dance to one of the free tabled and gestured me to follow her.

 _The dark of the alley, the breaking of day_  
The head while I'm driving, I'm driving   
Soft lips are open, knuckles are pale   
Feels like you're dying, you're dying 

She shoved off her jacket, sat down and grinned at the stage, while I watched her with amusement, tapped my food along the music and then we both began to sing along.

_You, your sex is on fire  
Consumed with what's to transpire _

One of the waiters came to us, smiling at me and asking what we wanted. I ordered the usual stuff we both always drank when we went out and thanked him as he walked back to the bar.

“Don't forget the shots, Hummel!”

I laughed at her and watched some people began to dance, while the two guys – obviously they were a couple – gave us a nice show of dancing together and being hot and adorable at the same time. I remembered I used to do the same with my fiance, Peter. Like any other couple we were happy at the beginning, but later it just turned into a disaster. No one did anything bad we just... weren't working together anymore. Most of the time we were fighting and saying awful things about the other. Whatever, I thought and heard the loud clapping and cheering and whistling from the crowd as the song was done. The two guys bowed down, kissed each other happily and left the stage. The waiter came back with our drinks – I ordered three shots for both of us – and Santana nudged me with her foot under the table to get my attention.

“This place is nice and awesome and you make a face like you lost a kitty.”

“I was just thinking about Peter.”

“Kurt!” she groaned and pressed her hand against her forehead: “Please! No, not Peter. It's been a year now and honestly, I'm glad that we didn't have to break into your apartment and drag you out of your bed for a whole year.”

“Hey, it's not like that. I just remembered something, I'm over Peter.”

“Aha,” she sighed annoyed and slapped my hand as I wanted to drink: “No. First we take the three shots and then you can drink this. I don't want to talk about Peter. I don't want you to even think about him. You'll drink the three shots, then three more and your damn drink and look for a nice guy for you. Got it?”

“Thank you.” Sometimes it really felt like I didn't say it often enough. Santana was sometimes annoying and yeah, sometimes I wanted to yell at her but in the end she was one of those friends I could trust.

“Hey! Three more shots!” she shouted to the waiter and than she grinned – Chug! - and our three shots were gone. Without any reason we began to laugh and Santana took the small book, which was laying in the middle of the table and inside was a long list of songs we could sing.

“So let's see, any wishes, Kurt?”

“Just tell me what you like and I say if I agree or not.”

She grinned, the waiter came with three more shots and we drank one together. Jeez, it had been a while since I drank the last time, but it felt so good to sit here, with her and just laugh and listen to music and see all these people being happy. I even began to check some guys out, and some caught my attention – I took my drink to my lips and took a sip – especially this guy on the stage, wide smirk and curly hair and.... the fuck!? I chocked on my drink, Santana clapping on my back and began to cough. This.Was.A.Joke.

“Hey guys! Having fun?!” Blaine cheered into the microphone, sweaty and clearly enjoying his time and looking so good in his dark red shirt and black pants. But.. why was he here!?

“I can't believe it.” Santana breathed.

“Me neither,” I mumbled and heard the crowd cheering.

“Good! And thank you for coming to my bar! The next drinks are all on me!”

My eyes immediately moved to Santana, staring at her with disbelief and confusion. What did he mean by his bar? Why was he running a karaoke bar for gay people? Who the hell was this guy!?

“Well, that's interesting. Maybe you were right, Kurt.”

“For the first time in my life I hope I'm wrong.”

I took the other two shots, my drink, drank up and took thankfully the other one from the waiter into my hand. There was no way I would stay sober now. NO fucking way, I couldn't deal with this, I didn't want to deal with this. This all had nothing to do with me, nothing. Rachel probably knew about this, also his parents and I just missed all this because I only saw him being taken.

“Wooooaah! Look there!” Blaine shouted, held himself steady by grabbing the microphone stand and smirking at us.

“No... please don't,” I mumbled, covered my view with my hand but noticed how Santana waved at Blaine and he took the microphone – and a second one –, jumped off the stage and walked towards us. No, fucking, way.

“Hey Kurt, Santana,” he smirked and luckily he said it not into the microphone. Slowly, without being sure if this was a good idea I looked at him, saw his sweaty face, the curls that found their way out of the gel in his hair and felt Santana’s eyes looking at me, Blaine and back to me. This wasn't happening, this was a dream.

“You and I are going to sing. Now.”

That being said he placed the microphone right before me on the table, smirking and taking a drink of the tablet the waiter was holding as he passed us by.

“No.”

“Come on, Kurt. It's just a song,” Santana whispered and the crowd began to clap and cheer. Holy fuck. In my frustration I drank up my other drink, felt my head becoming dizzy and looked up, to see Blaine smirking at me while the music began and he jumped on our table – Santana took the glasses so they wouldn't fall down – and Blaine began to sing into the microphone, looking at the people until he was looking at me, squat down and pressed the other microphone into my hand.

Fuck.My.Life.

_You know you make me wanna (Shout!)  
Kick my heels up and (Shout!)_

He began to sing, the crowd with him and Santana too. Why this song? Why the fuck this one? And why did he jump off the table and took my hand and dragged me to the stage?

_Throw my hands up and (Shout!)  
Throw my head back and (Shout!) _

I followed him on the stage, through the dancing people and gave him one last warning look. Fine. He wanted to play? Then I should be fair and play with him. So I began to sing.

 _Come on now (Shout!)_  
Don't forget to say you will  
Don't forget to say, yeah  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
(Say you will) 

While I sang he was dancing around me, coming closer, stepping back and being the biggest tease ever. It was ridiculous, it was unreal what happened here but I joined in. Eventually this was a game, right? So I wanted to win and show him that he couldn't treat me the way he liked to, that I was no child and not just someone who was fucking working for him. Oh no, Blaine Anderson should never forget this moment.

 _(Say) say that you want me_  
(Say) you wanna please me  
(Say) come on now 

Blaine sang to me, the crowd was dancing and singing and not caring about us. He smirked and as it was my turn to sing again, I gave him a glare, showing that I wasn't amused and held my head high.

 _(Say) I still remember_  
(Shooby-doo-wop-do-wop-wop-wop-wop)  
When you used to be nine years old 

My eyes went back to look at him and... this fucker was pouting again! Making his big eyes and pleading while he sang.

_I was a fool for you, from the bottom of my soul, yeah!_

We sang along, together with everybody in the room and with each second we moved closer to each other, dancing and I didn't even noticed the words that were leaving my mouth. I noticed nothing but my feelings, running like crazy through my body. There was anger, there was sadness, there was annoyance, but mainly confusion because Blaine acted like he was really sorry. Yeah, he acted like that because he was drunk and being horny in public and doing something against it was even too much for a Blaine Anderson. He came close, too close so that our hips almost touched and he shoved him from me while he sang:

_a little bit softer now_

_a little bit softer now_

_a little bit softer now_

While Blaine sang I just danced there, watching the crowd dancing, moving my hips absently and seeing Santana with a girl, dancing and being happy with her. It's been a while that I saw her like this, so calm and not caring about the world. Yeah I wished I could do that too and as I wanted to exactly look for someone I only felt Blaine taking the microphone out of my hand and throwing it to the crowd so two other people could sing on. I had nothing against it, frankly, I thought that was it and I could go back to the people and mind my own business but I was wrong. He held my hand, dragged me with him behind the stage and pushed me down on a chair and straddle my... Holy shit! He sat down on my lap, cupping my face – while everyone else was still singing – and pressed his lips on mine. Oh God! Oh fuck! This wasn't happening, no way this was real! He was drunk, I was drunk, this was stupid and...

“Kurt...” he breathed my name and kissed me again and I... I gave in. With everything I had I kissed him back because, damn, this was all I could dream about since the day I met him. Just getting the real thing was a mind blowing. His tongue slipped into my mouth, mine reacting and then it was sloppy, all teeth and everything was spinning as he began to move his hips against mine. Holy fucking shit! He was hard! Straight Blaine Anderson was hard and so was I and all I could think about was to tear his clothes off his body and touch him everywhere. I wanted him, now that I knew what it felt like I wanted more and cared only about this. I wanted more of his sweaty skin, of his kisses, his hands, I wanted to feel him everywhere, now.

“My place,” he moaned against my lips and slowly, we both stood up, leaving the bar by taking the back way.


	6. Chapter 6

 

Chapter 5. Gossip

 

We left the bar with shaking legs, breathing heavy and taking the first cab we could get to drive to Blaine's place. My blood was humming in my ears, my hormones ran through my system like crazy and I felt like a teenager right before the first time I had sex. Parted lips, eyes glassy I watched Blaine who just stood there, dark eyes and climbing into the cab as it stood still. I followed him, heard him mumbling his address and then he pulled me close again, one hand on the back of my head the other sliding under my shirt to touch my shoulder and neck while his lips sucked on mine. Willingly I kissed him back, my hands holding his face just to keep him close and not caring about what this meant, what would happen when we both were sober again. Fuck no, nothing mattered right now because I was horny and wanted him more than anything else.

His hands went down, holding my hips and forcing me on top of him but I just groaned a low not here and he went back to kissing me instead.

After ten minutes, which felt much more longer the driver stopped and we pulled apart, Blaine grumbling a thank you and giving him too much money for the ride. We climbed outside, literally ran into the building, to the elevator and there, to my surprise he didn't pushed me into a corner and attached my lips again our touched me anywhere. Blaine was just looking at me, eyes wide and dark, lips swollen, pink and his breath leaving and filling his body. It was so tense, it was a tease to stand next to each other without doing anything and just breathing, licking our dry lips wet and waiting for the damn elevator to finally reach the top floor.

It was unfair that he just stood there, looking so sexy with his sweaty hair, with the curls escaping the gel, his dark red shirt rumpled and his talented tongue slipping in and out instead of giving me the pleasure from before. He was such a tease I wanted to just jump on him and finally do what we both wanted to do. And I was sure Blaine felt the same way, the way his eyes were running up and down my body, the small whimper that fell from his lips and how he clenched his hands so that his knuckles became white.

“I'll fuck you,” he groaned in a whisper and I gasped: “So hard you won't forget it.”

_Yes, God, please yes._

The elevator stopped and we walked out, Blaine opened the door to his apartment and as soon as we were inside the dark room he locked the door he turned around, grabbed my thighs and held me up. With a surprised yelp I slung my arms around his neck, my legs around his body and he walked us into his bedroom, while our lips were kissing again. God, I needed him naked, I needed to be naked to get rid of the tightness around my cock.

“I told you, you are such a tease,” he said as we fell on his huge bed, I laying on my back while Blaine crawled to me so he was over me and his hand began to unbutton my shirt: “Teasing me and thinking I could hold myself back?”

“Shut up and fuck me already,” I hissed as I opened his shirt and saw him smirking at me. Jesus, I never thought I would be happy about that I was drunk and doing such a stupid thing. But I was.

“So eager,” Blaine hummed, bit my earlobe and kissed it. Holy shit, there was no way he did this for the first time. He knew what he was doing, right? He knew what two guys were doing? He owned a freaking gay bar! He was the one who kissed me first and wanted this as much as I wanted it. _God, please._

Blaine leaned back, taking of his shirt and in the moonlight I could see the fines muscles on his arm, the smooth skin, the well trained body his was. Holy fuck, he was hot, so hot I couldn't understand where the luck came from I definitely had now. With hungry hands I took my shirt off, let it fell to the ground and leaned forward to touch Blaine's skin. It felt so good under my fingertips, so warm, burning and he smelled so incredible. Like the warm sun, like something old and familiar.

“I wanted to do this for so long,” he breathed as his hand slipped between my legs and he began to palm my bulge. Oh fuck!

“Take them off,” I said, almost pleaded because I couldn't take it any longer. My trembling fingers opened his pants, sliding them down together with his briefs to his thighs and then he shoved me back against the mattress and took his clothes off, then mine and finally we were naked. My painful hard cock was pressed against my abdomen and for a second I thought about to stroke myself before Blaine was there, but he crawled back to me, spread my legs wide and then he was above me, a smug smile on his face and then he pressed down. Our cocks aligned, our lips sharing hungry kisses and I raised my hips to get more friction while Blaine began to move.

“Oh fuck,” I moaned into his mouth. Blaine kicked the blanket to the floor, reached out for his nightstand and took a bottle of lube and condoms out of the drawer. Oh no! Sure I wanted him to fuck me but before we would go this far I wanted more because who knew if this would happen again. Who knew if I would let that happen again. Whatever, my drunk mind told me and my hand held Blaine's head, sliding down to his shoulders and then I pushed him down.

“Please.”

“Please what?” he smirked and held himself up, moving his hips teasingly so our cocks were touching. I didn't know why but I said nothing, just looking into his dark honey eyes and hoping he would get it. Well, it was stupid to think he would stop teasing me and just do it. Slowly he leaned his head down, back to my ear and his hot breath made me shiver.

“I'll suck your dick if you'll suck mine. I know you want it.”

“Then do it already,” I said with desperation and pushed him back down. With a chuckle he slid down my body, his hand on my thighs, spreading my legs wider open and is eyes roaming over my body. Somehow it made me nervous the way he was looking at me, every inch of my body like never someone before him did. Frankly, I never met a person that looked at me like Blaine did right now.

“You're hot,” he whispered and his mouth sunk down my cock. A low moan fell from my lips, my head moved back and my fingers ran into his curls while he was sucking my dick. Holy shit, this guy knew what he was doing, this wasn't the first time he did something like this. No way in hell he was doing this for the first time.

“Shit” I hissed in pleasure and looked down at him, watching how eager he was sucking me, felt his talented tongue around my cock, how he hollowed his cheeks and I cried out. Jesus, this wasn't my first blowjob I got but it was definitely one of the best. Blaine hummed pleased, moved his hand where his mouth couldn't reach and I was panting, longing for breath and then he took me completely in so that I hit the back of his throat.

“Oh God!”

And then his mouth was gone as he felt how close I was.

“We aren't ready yet,” he smiled: “It's your turn.”

I don't know where the sudden strength came to actually move and switch the position. Without any words he lay down, me between his spread legs and a pleased smile on his lips. Holy shit, his sweaty skin, his body stretched out right in front of me and his thick cock begging for attention. I almost lost myself because he looked so, so good like this. Thanks to my drunk mind I just bent down and wrapped my mouth around his cock, sucking like it would be the only chance I got to do this. I heard him moaning, felt his hands on my shoulders, in my hair and with my left arm I kept him down so he couldn't move his hips. His dick was heavy on my tongue, but so, so good, I never thought a cock could taste so good. Moving my head back I licked a long stripe along the underside of his cock, sucking his head and then back down, swallowing him completely.

“Holy shit, you are so good!”

There was something like pride bubbling inside of me and after some seconds, when Blaine took the lube into his hands sucked for one last time, making him whimper and then I moved back to him, attacking his lips with mine to a fierce kiss. I was hard as fuck, horny as fuck and I just wanted and needed his cock inside me. That's why I took the lube, poured some on my fingers and warmed it up between them just to push one of them inside.

“You are so hot, Kurt. So hot...” he breathed and watched me with wide eyes, while I pushed a second finger inside me and opened myself up for him.

“No, let me,” he stated and yes, god yes I wanted to feel his fingers, to know how it would feel like. I lay down on my stomach, feeling him behind me, hearing how he opened to bottle and after a while two of his fingers were inside me, pumping in and out.

“Your ass is so tight and so hot,” Blaine murmured and kissed the back of my neck.

I moaned in response, moving into his touch and then there was a third finger and a sound of pleasure came out of my mouth. Oh god, I was so hard, so horny it hurt so I took the condom and handed it to him. Pumping in and out to open me up, he took it, opened it with his teeth and then his fingers were gone and I turned my head around to watch him. Panting he rolled the condom over his cock, coating it with lube and I bent my leg to give him an easier access.

“I'll fuck you so good baby,” he whispered into my ear as I felt the head of his cock at my entrance: “You'll never forget.” And then he went deeper and deeper, making sure he wouldn't hurt me but as soon as he was completely inside of me I moaned in such a pleasure I never heard myself like this before. Blaine's lips were on my shoulder, his arms beside my body and then he began to move and hot air fell on my skin together with those incredible noises he made. Sweet Jesus, he felt so big inside me, so good that I couldn't help myself but move with him. The last time I had actually sex was months ago and I totally forgot how good it felt to just let myself fall into this arousal, this endless pleasure, and, maybe, it was because of Blaine but frankly, I didn't care at all.

“So good... oh fuck, harder, Blaine.”

He was moving, his hands on my waist and I followed his instruction, keeping myself up on all fours while he was behind me and doing what I pleaded for. His skin was slapping against mine, I could feel his balls, his hands holding he in place and I just took it. I took everything he gave me and this willingly.

“You feel so good Kurt. So fucking good. Shit...” he moaned at his hand was sliding down my stomach, taking a hold of my cock and stroking it hard and fast. My arms gave in, I felt the familiar twirl in my stomach, knowing I wouldn't last any longer. One thrust, another and then I came with a low moan, my mind going blank. All I could hear was the blood in my ears, my heartbeat and somewhere I heard Blaine moaning and feeling his body on mine.

 

* * *

 

My head hurt so bad, was pounding merciless against my skull and with a groan I moved closer to the warm arms which were holdi... hold the fuck on! I moved my head back, staring at Blaine's face. His fucking peaceful face and then all the memories hit me and my face began to burn. I had sex with Blaine. I had sex with Rachel's fiance and we both wanted it. We had sex, like really hot sex, like the kind of sex I wouldn't tell a soul about it. I was fucking dead!

“'alm down,” he mumbled in his sleep and pulled me closer. For some seconds I froze, felt his lips against my cheek, a small kiss and then he took a deep breath and just held me. He was gentle, lovely and clearly wanting me here but...

No, fucking, way!

I released myself from his arms and a small noise of pain blurted out of my mouth. Fuck... my ass hurt so bad, my body was so tired but there was no way I could stay here. While I pulled my briefs back on, slowly standing up to put my pants also on I heard Blaine grumbling something and when I turned around I watched him, sitting there like nothing happened, with a blanket around his lower naked body. He was rubbing his eyes, his hair was a mess and then he was looking at me, like he waited for me to come back and just... what?

“You do realize what happened?”

Blaine shrugged, his eyes still locked with mine.

“Do you care about anything at all?”

Blaine shrugged again and with that, with a scoff and clearly not in the mood to talk with him, or about what happened or whatever I put my shirt back on and took my other belongings with me to just leave. Leave and forget.

 

* * *

Later that day, after a long hot shower, after watching some TV to distract myself I ended up calling Santana and begging her to visit me. She, of course, was more then willing. With that I ended up thinking and I knew, no matter how hard I tried to forget or distract myself, in the end I would end up in my mind and recall everything that had happened.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry or scream or punch him because he didn't care. He acted like it was totally normal for him to do what he did. Like it meant nothing at all what happened. But, did I want that? That it meant something for him? What the hell happened anyway? We were drunk, we were singing, then making out and then we both were horny and fucking like rabbits because... why? Sure I had my crush on Blaine and somewhere, in the darkest place of my fantasy I wondered what it would be like to sleep with him. But then reality hit me and I remembered that he was straight and engaged with Rachel, my friend Rachel. Well, that was in the past and now things were a bit different. Blaine was for sure anything but straight. He owned a bar for gay people, he knew what he was doing when we had sex and as we woke up he showed no intentions of letting me go. With a groan I lay down on my couch, placing the mug with tea back on the coffee table and staring at the ceiling. What if this was Blaine's thing? What if he was actually cheating on Rachel? Holy Shit! I was part of it, right? I helped Blaine to cheat on Rachel! I was betraying my friend!

“Fuck no!” I yelled into the pillow I was pressing against my face, as I felt how I couldn't hold it back. What if I wasn't the only one? His parents knew it, right? They knew his son loved dicks? Maybe he was bisexual?

Why... why was my life such a mess suddenly? At the moment I felt like Blaine wasn't in my mind anymore, that I controlled the crush I had on him he came back, with full force and now, although I knew everything was fucked up, such a big bad mess, I wanted him anyway. God, what a pathetic person was I anyway? He was cheating, fucking guys and didn't care about how he hurt Rachel with it and how wrong it was.

The door opened and I sat up, seeing Santana with raised eyebrows and closing the door behind her. After the break up with Peter she had a second key to my apartment just in case I would fall back to my old behavior, which was laying in my bed, watching bad TV and eating ice-cream.

“Okay... I see it,” she remarked and sat down next to me: “But... tell me it wasn't him.”

All I did is biting my lower lip and her eyes widened.

“No way! Kurt, when I told you to find some nice ass I wasn't talking about Blaine.”

“He started it. It wasn't me.”

Her face changed into a curious expression, so she crossed her legs, leaning back and giving me all her attention.

“What? He kissed me and then we went to his place and yeah... I don't know. I don't understand what this means.”

“Well, it obviously means that this guy isn't so straight and that he is cheating on Rachel. With you.”

“Thanks,” I grumbled and felt even more shame and guilt.

“Hey, I'm not the one who will lie to you, okay? You know that this job is your ticket to your dream and, look, I get it that he is hot and stuff but still.”

A deep, desperate sigh left my mouth and I buried my face inside my hands. This was all a dream, this never happened, how was I supposed to keep on planning this wedding? There were still the dance rehearsal, meeting their families and I just... how should I face Rachel and, god forbid, their families after what had happened? How should I let Rachel marry him? He was a cheater, he wasn't good enough for her, he didn't care about her!

“Listen, Hummel. Maybe you should just sleep about this and then think what you want. Forget it and move on or tell Rachel what a jerk he is.”

Thinking that Blaine was a jerk was easy for Santana but not for me. I knew what he did. I heard what he said because damn, I was part of it but still... something told me he wasn't this bad. Something told me, some insane voice that there was a reason that would explain everything what he did..

“Maybe... maybe I should talk with Blaine?”

“To find out what we already know? That he is a cheater and an idiot? Come on, Kurt.”

“But there must be a reason, don't you think?”

She shook her head, sighing and giving me a sad smile.

“You always try to see the good in people.”

No, I wasn't trying, I knew there was something that made Blaine act the way he acted. Something was there and on one side I wanted to know it and on the other side I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. His family was rich and famous and if I began to dig deeper into their business they could ruin mine. And then there was Rachel who had no idea about anything. All she wanted to do was marry him, be happy and that's it.

“What a fucking mess,” I whined and rubbed my face.

“Tell me about it.”

We both looked to the door as we heard someone knocking and immediately my heart began to beat fast and painful against my chest. Please don't be Blaine, I kept thinking and it was Santana who stood up, giving me a calming look and I knew she wouldn't let him in if it was really him. My arms held the pillow close against my chest, while I watched her opening the door, turning around to me and then stepping aside and it was Finn who came inside.

“Hey, dude,” he said, holding a magazine in his hand and walking with fast steps to me.

“You need to check this out, Kurt. I knew there was something wrong with this guy.”

“Guy?” I asked and took a look at the magazine, while Santana came back and took a look with me. Finn then leaned down, opened it and skimmed the magazine until we were looking at a picture of two guys which one looked a lot like Blaine. It was Blaine!

“Read it,” Finn nodded and pointed to the text below the picture of Blaine and a blond guy.

_Blaine Anderson, son of the famous fashion line Anderons just broke up with his boyfriend. After 3 years of love and being engaged for one year they both decided to break up. As a reason Blaine said that he wanted to focus on his own life but they would still be friends._

“Oh my god, this is getting better and better,” Santana almost laughed because everything was just a big mystery and a very, very bad joke.

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

Chapter 6. Blind trust

 

“I bet Rachel doesn't know that,” Finn remarked and was sitting on my armchair while Santana and I exchanged a look: “And he probably is just playing with her.”

Santana's black eyes were staring at me, warningly that I shouldn't say a word about the night with Blaine and of course, I wasn't stupid. Everything was a fucking mess already I didn't need Finn to make an even bigger mess of this.

“You, my dear stepbrother won't say a word about this to Rachel, got it?”

“But..”

“No but, Finn. Think about it. It's not only Rachel who is involved in this. We all are. Their families are rich, famous and powerful they could ruin our business and we would lose our jobs,” Santana explained and crossed her arms before her chest.

“Why would they do that? It's not our fault that all of this might be a fake and who are we to let this happen to a friend of us?”

“Because it's not our business what their families are planning, that's why Finn. If we stick our noses to deep into this they'd feel offended and all we get is trouble.”

Santana was right, all the time.

“Maybe he is bisexual or something. Who knows. We can't say that all of this is fake or not,” I said although I knew Blaine wasn't honest. I was there, I was the one he had sex with while we both knew it was wrong.

“You can't expect me to just sit back and see her running into her own misery. I understand what you said but I love her and I can't let that happen,” Finn looked at us with a desperate look and helpless.

“We'll figure something out, okay? Just... don't do anything stupid. Leave this to me and Kurt because we are planning this wedding and actually see Blaine and Rachel, okay?” Santana said and wanted to end this discussion. I saw it in her face how much annoyed and exhausted she was because we were there, where we didn't want to be. We were involved in their private business and one wrong step and we could lose everything. Just because I, my drunken mind and my crush on Blaine brought us here. For one second I thought about to punch my own cock for being such a stupid idiot and not listening to my mind.

“Fine,” Finn leaned back clearly unhappy.

“Finn, just, maybe you should tell us why you two broke up? Maybe something happened while you two were together, like Rachel began to act differently?”

“No, we were fine. Really. We were talking about our future and stuff. But then one day she just came to me, saying she wants to break up. I asked her why and she said that she needs to focus on her future, alone and a month later there was Blaine.”

Her future? Rachel was an actress and preferred to stay in theaters. The day she had her first Broadway show was incredible and Finn was with her and both were more than happy. After that she got many roles and in her free time she was helping her dads and promoting their fashion by wearing their dresses or went to some fashion events.

“We figure it out, alright?” Santana said it with a voice that made clear this topic was done and Finn nodded, stood up said his goodbye and left. After the door was closed we looked at each other, I saw the questions in her eyes and I shrugged.

“I'll talk with Blaine, okay? I ask him what this means and then we'll see?”

“Yeah, maybe. But we still do our job?”

“Yeah. We better act like we know nothing. At least you and Finn.”

 

* * *

 

We agreed on not talking about this gossip magazine Finn found, who was more than ready to tell this Rachel and stop this wedding. Obviously he was more against this wedding as we knew, after hearing why they broke up I wasn't surprised why Finn thought that way. It made even me questioning this wedding. It had nothing to do with my feelings I had for Blaine, it was a feeling, telling me that not only Blaine but also Rachel were doing a big mistake. Rachel was an actress and it was her job to pretend a feeling, pretend to be someone she was not and I wondered if she could even fool me although I knew her for so many years.

I wanted to wait till Friday because Wednesday was the dance rehearsal she wanted me to attend with her and Blaine and honestly, I wasn't ready to go there and face them both, especially Blaine. The shame I felt for what I did and the need to do it again was deep down in my bones and driving me insane. I shouldn't feel that way, the need to kiss him again, to feel him again, I shouldn't but I did. It was crazy, so fucking crazy what happened in my life that I really thought about it to just blow it off and tell them to find someone else to plan their wedding if there were not the money I would get after the wedding was done.

Not amused I left my car and walked into the dark brown building which Rachel always visited for her dancing lessons. I walked through the golden hall, up the stairs to the first room on the right side and opened the door to find five couples there, already dancing a slow waltz. With relief I sighed as I made sure that I didn't know any of those couples but Rachel and Blaine who were looking so good together, smiling and dancing like they had never done anything else in their life.

Blaine, dirty, sexy Blaine, smiling like nothing happened, acting like he held the love of his life in his arms and I wanted to puke as I saw his face and at the same time, the way he moved his body, how he knew how to dance... I couldn't help myself and imagine him naked because, fuck, I knew how he looked like when he was naked. While they were dancing I sat down on a chair next to the door and waited until they were ready and as the music stopped everyone was clapping and four of the five couples began to leave the dancing room.

“Kurt!” Rachel almost shrieked and ran up to me throwing her arms around my neck: “It's so good to see you! Blaine showed me the wedding place and it's just so beautiful. And I saw the decoration and food and, Kurt, you really did an awesome job!”

“Well... it's my job to exactly do that,” I assured her and as Blaine came to us it was hard for me to keep eye contact with him. Well for him it seemed to be no big deal. And it was also clear that Rachel knew nothing.

“I hope you had a nice weekend,” Blaine said as we shook our hands and, god, I knew what this hand was able to do.

“I had better weekends,” he smiled smugly but Blaine only grinned and didn't show me if it bothered him or not.

“So, Kurt, I want you to dance with Blaine.”

“You want what?”

Was she fucking stupid? Well, okay, she didn't know what happened between me and Blaine but... was she fucking stupid? She knew I was gay and what if it bothered Blaine – well I was sure it wouldn't but anyway – and I came here to watch her dancing with him and not that I could dance with Blaine. Oh no, no, no, no. This was a bad idea and I had no trust in myself or at least some body parts.

“I want to see how Blaine looks like when he dances tango and waltz. And I want to see it live.”

“Then why didn't you ask Santana?” This wasn't fucking happening.

“Kurt, please,” she pouted and I rolled my eyes, shook my head and no freaking way this was happening. It almost felt like I was living in a really bad movie and whole world wanted to mock me. Even my friend, even Rachel who I tried to protect because, obviously, Blaine wasn't the charming prince she thought he was.

“Rachel, sweetie, maybe Kurt doesn't know how to dance tango or waltz,” Blaine said and I jerked my head, painfully to his side, glaring at him. Me? Not knowing how to dance? After all the years of planning weddings? I knew dances he would dream of and I could move my body, he never saw anyone moving before. I even knew the freaking women and men steps!

“Fine!” I snarled and Rachel clapped in excitement. We walked to the middle of the room and for the first time I took a closer look at Blaine and damn him! He looked so good in his dark green suit and this slim tie. The last time I saw him he wasn't so put together.

“First waltz, okay boys?”

A small nod and then she went to the CD player with the iPod dock and started the melody. Without any warning Blaine took my hand and placed the other one on my waist, his eyes piercing into mine and slowly he began to move his feet and I let him lead me. Awesome, great, what else did I have to go through so this nightmare would finally end or make any kind of sense? If Santana would see me now, dancing with him while Rachel was watching us she would be laughing or forcing us to stop because this was anything but right.

I turned my head to see what Rachel looked like, but she was just smiling wathcing us closely and I hoped she wouldn't see it because damn, I already felt my heart racing and the heat crawling through my veins. His damn hands, his damn face, his whole being was too close and we were just dancing a waltz. A innocent waltz then what would it be like when we were dancing the freaking tango?

“Kurt, focus!”

“Jeez, yes,” I groaned as she noticed I wasn't really into it. His hand held me stronger, his lead was more powerful but we still moved slowly and my eyes moved to his, seeing that he sneaked for my attention.

“Calm down, I'm not stupid.”

“Yeah,” I chuckled with sarcasm.

“I mean it. I won't do anything. Not with her around.”

What the...? Anger crawled up my body and I leaned a bit closer to him, whispering: “You are an idiot. I hope you know that.”

“Oh, so, you think you know me?”

Well, of course because he made it pretty clear about what he was caring. And he definitely didn't care about Rachel, or the wedding or what people might think.

“You know nothing, Kurt.”

Nothing? Yeah, I knew nothing about his other life which he obviously had. The life were he had a boyfriend, was engaged and then broke up. The life were he owned a gay bar and had sex with me and didn't care about anything else. We pulled apart as the music ended and Rachel was clapping, her eyes shining and I wished someone would just shoot me.

“Very good! And now tango.”

I shook my arms and legs, rolled my shoulders to try to calm myself down but I knew it wouldn't help as soon as we were dancing. Tango, fucking tango which meant we would be incredible close, right in front of Rachel, right in front of the person he was supposed to marry. Fucking great!

The music began, we standing towards each other and then Blaine came to me, grabbing my hands and waist and holding me too strong, to close, like it should be. Fast steps back, fast steps forward, he leaned me down in a circling move and back, close to his body. Our legs were touching, brushing and I knew it, I could feel my cock betraying me. His breath was so close, his forehead almost touching mine and my fingers ran into his hair, like it fucking should be! Why was he so good at that? And why did I know how to dance this stupid dance? Again he moved forward, his hands on my back, holding me safe and I bent down with him, feeling his lips brushing my cheek. This fucking idiot needed to do that exactly at that moment when Rachel wouldn't see it from her angle. My eyes grew wide but he didn't smile, didn't made any sassy expression and it... surprised me. He wasn't teasing, he wasn't playing, he was serious. What the hell was happening now?

With struggles I was following his steps, letting him lift me up, letting him lead me while I looked into his eyes with a thousand questions. Something changed, something was different but I couldn't say what.

The song slowly found his end, we breathing fast, following the last steps and then we stopped, my hands in his hair, our foreheads against each other and our eyes hanging on the other ones lips. God, I wanted to kiss him but it wasn't right, not here, not while things were like this.

“Amazing boys!” Rachel cheered and I was back in the reality. As fast as I could and trying not to be suspicious I let off of Blaine and fixed my suit and hair, like Blaine while he was watching me.

Somewhere in my ears I heard a phone ringing, knowing it wasn't mine and then Rachel said something about that she'll be right back and as soon as the door was closed with a – for me – too loud noise Blaine came back to me, closing the space between us and kissing me with everything he had. Oh god, my head began to spin, my knees became weak and for one second I kissed him back because... damn, how could I not? His lips were so soft, so warm and I was addicted to him, no matter how hard I tried to deny this. I wished he wasn't engaged, I wish he was free, that we met each other under different circumstances. I wished it would be different and that he wouldn't hurt Rachel with what he was doing. Rachel... As sanity came back to my mind I shoved him away from me, staring at him and panting.

“Stop it!”

“I thought that's what you want?”

“Not like this, Blaine. You are engaged, with my friend, with Rachel and I'm the one who is planning your wedding, remember?”

He shrugged again, his hands sliding into the pockets of his pants and it made me furious. How could he shrug everything off so easily? How could he just pay so much attention to what he, we, were actually doing? We were hurting people, we were doing the wrong thing and he just...

“There is always an option and after the wedding I can say that I want a divorce.”

“Are you serious?” I said in disbelief.

“Of course. Now I can't just...”

That was too much for me, far too much because I couldn't believe what he was saying. He wanted to marry her and then dissolve their marriage? When and why? Because he thought we could be a thing? Because he truly thought I wanted to be with him in that way? With someone like him? No fucking way I wanted to be together with a jerk. Not as long my sanity was by my side.

“Hey, wait! Where are you going?”

“Away from you, away from this joke of a wedding, away before I lose the ability to think coherent.”

“But...”

“No but, Blaine! I'm not talking to you, until you got your shit straight,” I turned around to him after I took my bag from the chair where I left it: “I'm a wedding planner and I believe in the meaning of marriage. Which is making a significant bond between two people who love each other. Which is seeing, two people who would do everything for the other, exchanging vows, promises in front of people they love and want to share their love with them. It means that you love your partner, you trust him, you want to be forever with him. Because this person completes you and without this person you aren't complete. It's not a joke for me, okay? Don't marry someone when you don't mean it!” I yelled at him and left the building.

 

* * *

 

Friday evening as I came back home I fell into my bed and my head hurt so bad I was sure I would get sick. I already felt my nose was blocked, how my throat began to hurt and my body was just so weak that I literally crawled into my bed and snuggled into the covers. I was so tired, so exhausted I wanted a break, I needed a break from all of this. So I called Santana, told her I wouldn't come on Monday and instead visit a doctor. She asked me if I needed something but I told her I was fine and that I would mail her what needed to be done the next week. Yeah, I really wanted a week free so I could stay in my bed and watch old movies, bad TV and eat and drink whatever I wanted. I also called Rachel and told her that I was off for a week and wouldn't be there to help her, and that she should call Santana or Mercedes if she needed anything. Luckily Rachel didn't say anything else but wished me to get well soon. With a groan I buried my face into my pillows and took a deep breath – which hurt like shit. I was sorry for yelling at Blaine, I was sorry for Rachel, I was ashamed and confused. In the end all this reminded me of Peter and how he treated our engagement – that's why I actually yelled at Blaine. Peter did the same thing. His proposal was sweet and beautiful and well planned and it was ironic that Rachel and Blaine would get married in the bathhouse were Peter asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes and I was so happy that day I never felt this happy ever again. I sighed and stood up, with a blanket around my body, wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants, trying not to think about the past and went to the kitchen. All my gratefulness was dedicated to Carole who send me a package with tea and stuff against headache, colds and stuff. She knew how busy I was and that I didn't care about me at times. While I waited for the water I took out a two mugs and two teabags making sure I had enough to drink so I didn't need to stand up twice.

The doorbell rang and I only raised my eyebrows, checking the time and was even more confused. It was almost 1 in the morning and it was Friday night. With a huff and clearly not wanting any company now I went to the door and opened it just to find... Blaine?

“Hey,” he said, holding a plastic bag with food and tea and some medication?

“Blaine, I said I don't want to see you until you,” I coughed, sniffed and spoke on: “until you got your stuff straight.”

“I know and I'm here to apologize.”

Apologize? Blaine Anderson? Not convinced I stared at him, tired, weak and only wanted to go back to my bed already.

“I bought you this. Rachel told me you are sick and I know the others are busy. They are talking with Rachel about the next week and what needs to be done.”

“And you think being here is better than helping you future wife?”

His eyes were big, pleading, apologizing and damn those eyes!

“Fuck,” I groaned, rubbed my eyes and took a step back to let him in.

He smiled, came inside, slipping out of his shoes and looked around. Oh, yeah, I remembered he never had been here before, so I went to the kitchen and let him take his time to judge my not so fancy apartment. It was old, filled with books in shelves, pictures and furniture, not like Blaine's. Whatever, I thought and minded my own business witch was filling the mugs with hot water.

“Wait, I can do that you should go to bed.”

“I'm not dying, I have a cold or something,” I didn't want his help.

“Stop being stubborn, okay? Let me help you.”

Well, at some point he owned me that after the mess he made which was called my life. With my weak legs and pounding head I crawled back into my soft, warm bed and grabbed a tissue from the box on my nightstand while some stupid reality show was playing on the TV.

“Do you eat in your bed!?” he called from the kitchen.

“I'm not hungry!” I called back which turned out to be a mistake because I began to cough. Damn, my throat hurt so bad.

“You are eating! Otherwise you won't be well soon!”Oh God, like who did he think he was? My mother? My babysitter? God! I wished I could just fall asleep and forget everything for a while but with Blaine here I was a but afraid to close my eyes. Nevertheless I let him in, what probably meant that I trusted him... kind of.

He came into my bedroom, holding a tablet with the two mugs, two boxes with Chinese food and the plastic bag with the medication hanging down on his arm. I moved back so that I was sitting and leaning against my headboard and watching him as he placed the tablet on the small table next to the window. First he took the two mugs and placed them on my nightstand, were the small lamp was burning and then he took the plastic bag, putting it down next to my feet until he took the two boxes with food and gave me one. It was new, somehow strange to see him acting like this. Like someone who actually cared about something, like someone who didn't care about the time or what day it was just to make sure I was okay.

“Did Rachel send you here?”

“No.”

Okay,wow, he actually was here because he wanted to and it made me wonder, maybe, I wasn't so wrong about him. Maybe everything that happened was really just acting? Hiding something? If yes, then why did he such terrible things to me? Why did he say stuff that was confusing? I mean, okay, the sex was something we both wanted, but everything else?

“Um, thanks for... all this.”

“You're welcome,” he smiled, shoved the chair next to my bed, sitting down and he began to eat. His eyes were focused on the TV, his lips quirked to a small smile while he because something funny happened and again, he confused me. He was just sitting there, eating, watching something with me in one room like it was something normal, something familiar and for the first time I actually saw him. Not the sassy Blaine, no diva, no charming prince, no teasing idiot, just Blaine. How I knew that? Because he looked real, he looked comfortable with himself and not like something fake. Probably it was always that what bothered me so much, that he was so unreal to me but still he did something with me, moved me, my heart, my dreams and made me fall in love with him.

Holy shit!

I swallowed hard as the thought crossed my mind. Love? No! I didn't know him, so I couldn't be in love with him! Suddenly my food was really interesting and I kept myself busy with eating. We ate in silence, watching the stupid show I still didn't figure out what it was and after we were done with our food he took the box out of my hands and went to the kitchen to throw it into the bin and came back, taking the plastic bag into his hands.

“I brought you some painkiller and something for your nose and throat. And you should drink a lot. I mean, you probably know that but... yeah, here.”

He handed me the plastic bag and looked at me with wide eyes and something like worry in his face? Sniffling I took the bag from him and picked out the medication to take on of those painkillers and placed the other stuff next to my mug.

“You said you wanted to apologize?”

“Yes... well I was thinking about what you said to me the past days and... you are right.” he explained and sat down at the edge of my bed, next to me.

Oh well, that was interesting, so I made myself comfortable, holding the blanket around my shoulders closer to my body and eying him with curiosity.

“I don't want to marry her and if I could I would stop this. But I can't and I thought I made it clear that I really like you and that I want to be with you.”

“What?” I blurted out, almost with a chuckle and couldn't believe my ears. He tried what? Making me understand that he wanted me? How? With acting like a diva? With treating me like he made fun of me? With showing me that he actually didn't care what he was doing with his actions?

“I can safely say that I never thought you wanted that. Honestly you gave me the worst impression of who I thought you are.”

“Re... really?”

He was as much surprised as I was and somehow I thought this was really... cute. Who knew that he could be actually cute.

“I thought maybe you would see how much I wanted you and that I didn't want this wedding to happen. But... as I can see I failed at doing this.”

He hung his head, like a kicked puppy and although I felt sorry for him I was relieved. For almost two months I was doubting my own mind, wondering if I just made stuff up and saw what I wanted to see, like I was searching for a reason to just stop this wedding and give myself a chance to be with him. But I thought he was straight, then that he was an idiot, a jerk and now... now he just looked insecure and kind of broken to me.

“You didn't fail completely. I somehow knew that you didn't want to get married. I never saw a man caring so less about his own wedding like you do.”

He smiled with a sigh and nodded: “I really don't want to. But I have to do it.”

“You have to?”

“That's all I can say about this matter. Otherwise I would put you into a lot of trouble.”

“Okay, then, what about Rachel?”

“She'll be fine. I promise. No harm will happen to her.”

For some seconds I was just looking at him, reading his face but I saw nothing that made me doubt his words. However, it didn't change the fact that things were okay now because they were not.

“What about you?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” I sniffled and took a tissue to clean my nose.

“Do you... do you want to be with me? Or was it just.. for fun?”

Actually this was a good question. Everything that happened wasn't just for fun, not with Blaine. Of course I had some one-night-stands in the past but this was different. I really liked him and I really wanted to be with him, especially if this was the real Blaine sitting next to me. It was just... the situation we were living in wasn't the best and I didn't understand what he meant by, Rachel was fine that nothing would happen to her.

“I... I think I need to see the real you. You were trying too hard that I really thought you were a jerk.”

“I'm sorry, Kurt.”

“It's fine, like I said I somehow knew something was fishy. I just... I want to be with you but... things are not ideal right now.”

Blaine nodded, his eyes flicking to my hands and then he reached out for it, holding it gently and saying in almost a whisper: “I want you to know me, the real me. I'm not that bad I was, like you said, probably trying to hard.”

“You were acting like a teenager on too many hormones, Blaine.”

He laughed quietly.

“Yeah, I didn't know how to do it. But I want to fix it, from now on.”

Oh God, this sounded like heaven to me if things were different.

“What about the wedding?”

“It will happen like we planned it.”

“And Rachel won't happen any harm?”

“No, I promise.”

I somehow couldn't see how Rachel would get out of this without any harm. She loved Blaine, she was so passionate about this wedding, she wanted everything to be perfect. How on earth was she fine if Blaine planned on leaving her anyway?

“I really can't tell you everything about this wedding. I don't want to cause you any trouble. But I want you to trust me when I say, everything will be fine. Rachel will be fine.”

I looked at our hands, how good they looked together, how good they fit together and I really wished I could hold his hand like I wanted to hold it. Him as my boyfriend.

“So what we'll be in a secret relationship and you'll be cheating on your future wife with me?”

“No. I won't be cheating on anybody.”

Okay, wow, that was crazy. How was it no cheating when he was ready to be with me and at the same time with Rachel? That was cheating.

“I said Rachel will be fine. Please, Kurt, I really don't want you to be part of something that could cause you a lot of trouble. All I want is to be with you, to show you who I am and that I can make you happy. I promise we do nothing wrong.”

My head was pounding, my brain felt like it would explode any minute and I knew, I could think for ours, for days or even weeks I would make the same stupid, idiotic decision I made right now.

“Those painkillers must be doing something to me that I really agree on this.”

“So you trust me?” he said with a lot of hope in his voice.

“I must be fucking stupid, but yes.”

He squeezed my hand, stood up and then bent down to me, his beautiful face coming closer to mine and then he whispered: “You aren't stupid. You are gorgeous.”

After that he kissed me gently and I really wanted to call this our first real kiss, because right now I felt something different then just lust and need. There were feelings, strong feelings and it turned me into a puddle of goo.

“You'll get sick,” I breathed after he pulled back and heard him chuckle.

“I don't care. But now you really need to sleep, okay?”

With a nod I gave in and moved to the side, making enough space for him and he smirked while I rolled my eyes.

“No funny business. I'm sick like you know.”

“Of course not.”

He undressed himself, only his cardigan and his socks and crawled into my bed, stretching his arms out and waiting for me to snuggle closer. Jesus, he could be so adorable it was almost unreal. Everything was kind of unreal. The trust I put into him, agreeing on this although I knew nothing but I trusted him. I, the one who always made sure to know everything before I decided to do something. Whatever, I wasn't in the mood to ask more and frankly, my head hurt far too much to actually think about anything at all. So I lay down, on his chest and wrapped my arms around him, while he held me close, comfortable and calmed me down, so much I was sure I would fall asleep withing seconds.

“Thank you,” was the last thing I heard, his lips in my hair was the last thing I felt and then I fell into a deep, long sleep.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

Chapter 7. Pokerface

 

There was no need to lie to myself, because, yeah, I was curious why the hell Blaine was so sure about it, that what we were doing wouldn't hurt Rachel. And also there was this thing with his ex boyfriend, or so the gossip magazine said. If it was true or not, I didn't know. After four days of just sleeping and doing nothing I was glad that I could finally think properly. Sure I missed those days of doing nothing because those were the days I got to know the real Blaine Anderson. How I knew he was the real Blaine Anderson? It was is whole appearance that told me this. He looked comfortable and pleased with himself, he wasn't looking like he wore too tight clothes, he wasn't looking like his brain was overworking. He was just himself, smiling, calm and helping me without me asking him to do so. He was gentle, sweet and made sure that I was fine. He made breakfast for me, lunch and dinner. Every morning there was a fresh tea on my nightstand and at night I just lay in his arms and fell in a peaceful sleep. He was only for two or three hours away and than came back to me, looking if I had everything and then he just sat on my bed, reading something while I slept or watching my guilty pleasure with me, Spanish soaps. They were predictable, they were over dramatic and Blaine always made an noise like he couldn't believe what was happening there or just rolled his eyes. But he never complained, he never asked me to turn it off. No, he just held me, stroking my hair, giving me small kisses on my head from time to time and it just felt so, so good. I never wanted to stop what we had. He even changed my bedsheets. So, I never asked what he told Rachel when he was at my place, I never asked if he had to work or anything else to do. Because he was there with me for almost 24 hours. I never thought I could get used to this domestic life again. After Peter and I broke up I never lived with anyone longer than a two days together. But with Blaine it was different, it was like I imagined it to be. Maybe it was wrong to give myself into this life, into this illusion, because that's it what it was. An illusion for six days and as soon as I would return to work, I had to face reality.

So the seventh day came and with him my mood fell. I knew Blaine didn't need to be here anymore, I knew I had to let him go and be back at work the next day. Facing what was still there, the wedding, Rachel and their families and I found the strength to do it because I trusted Blaine. Which was still crazy for me, because I couldn't figure out why he was sure, nothing bad would happen.

No, I didn't want to think about it the last day with him. I wanted to enjoy this day and then, as soon as I would meet Santana again and hear what happened while I was sick I wanted to think about this. There was also the thing that I couldn't really say what Blaine would do, or to be more clear, how he would act around Rachel and his family while I was there too.

Whatever.

 

“You look better. Much more better,” he said to me as we were sitting on my bed, fresh sheets under us.

“I feel better, thanks to you,” I answered as he ran his hand up and down my back, slowly. I closed my laptop after checking my e-mails and luckily there were no bad news, thanks to Santana and Mercedes who always did an awesome job when I wasn't around. I was really blessed with my work and with the people working for me.

“I saw that you have a lot of books about Europe. You've been there?”

“Sadly no, but I want to. I actually planned to take a break for a year after the wedding. With the money I get from the wedding it will be possible for me. I already talked with Santana about it and she'll be the boss while I'll be gone.”

“A whole year?”

Oh, right... I had a boyfriend now.

“Yeah, well... that was my plan before I met you,” I gazed at Blaine with insecurity: “I mean, it still is but... you know. Now that we kind of together.”

“Not kind of, Kurt. We are.”

“Yeah, well, I'll say that when you are really free,” I wanted to say mine but it sounded too possessive and we weren't that long together – we were only for a week together for gods' sake: “Anyway. Now it's different but I definitely will do it.”

“I can come with you. I can take a break for a year.”

Yeah, Blaine was somehow lucky. He had his own bar and the people who were working for him and was part time working for his parents. Modeling for them. But actually he didn't need to do that because after his grandfather died he got all his money which was, to say, enough to live.

“There is still enough time to think about it,” was all I had to say about this matter and leaned back, against my headboard and took my mug with coffee – finally I could drink coffee again without feeling like I would puke any minute – and took a sip.

“You don't trust me? You don't want me to go with you?” he asked, moving closer and sitting next to me so we could see the face of the other clearly.

“That's not what I was saying, Blaine.”

“No, but it does sound like that.”

Slowly I raised an eyebrow and stared at him for a while, his smile was gone and his expression became unreadable. I wondered if he actually understood that we were only together for a week, only got to know each other and that there were so many things speaking against us. Maybe he was just crazy about me – yeah, as if – or maybe he was fooling me, or maybe he simply didn't understand anything.

“Blaine, you can't expect from me to trust you completely when I don't even know what is going on. And I know you said you can't tell me it because you don't want to pull me into some trouble. But you have to understand that I also try to protect myself. I'm tired of lies and games when it's about someones feelings.”

Blaine tilted his head, watching me closely and I looked back, quizzically. Was it such a surprise for him that I thought that way? I mean he wasn't stupid and he probably would do the same, right? Or not, I couldn't expect that each person would react the way I did. Furthermore he knew nothing about Peter and me and why it was so hard for me to even put trust into someone I was emotionally closer than I ever could be with a friend. Giving myself away, for him, completely meant that he could break my heart and under the circumstances it was even more possible than with Peter. Here I could basically guess, see that it could happen any time, while being with Peter it never came to my mind that it would break one day. It never looked like this. Or probably I was to naive with my 22 years to actually see it. Now 3 years later I wasn't that naive anymore, I was guarded but still trying to be open enough so I wouldn't scare people away.

“All I can do is tell you that you can trust me, convince you but I can't force you and I won't. Whatever you decide to think or to do I have to accept it,” he sighed and I saw that it hurt him and somehow I felt sorry but I didn't want to lie or fool him.

“It needs time, Blaine. I was watching you the last week and I believe that this is the real you.”

He smiled sadly at me.

“But it doesn't change the fact that you'll get married with my friend and what we do now is wrong.”

“Then I won't marry her if that's what you want.”

This was a new tone for me. Some days ago he told me he had to marry her because of whatever reason. And now it just felt like I gave him no choice as to stop it because only so he would get all my trust and myself. It didn't feel right.

“That's not what I want,” well, yeah of course I wanted this but I wouldn't force Blaine: “I just like to know what is going on because I'm basically blind, doing something that is utterly stupid because I want to be with you. And that's just not me. I want to know everything before I decide to do something.”

Blaine hung his head, his fingers fumbling with the hem of his pants and his lips pressed to a thin line. Watching him for a while in silence I understood that, whatever he couldn't tell me was something that bothered him, made him uncomfortable. He looked guilty, he looked unsure and than I couldn't take it any longer because I didn't want to see him like this. I placed my mug on my nightstand, moved closer so that I was facing him, our knees touching and leaned forward to kiss him. He kissed me back, lightly and then our eyes met.

“I trust you Blaine. I trust you in treating me right and that you are not lying to me. But I can't trust you when it's about this wedding because I don't understand what is happening. And if I have to chose between you and Rachel I would chose Rachel.”

“I understand that, Kurt. I understand it, really. But I know, if I tell you what is going on you could lose everything and I don't want that.”

I observed his face, his eyes and I saw he was honest and he really did this to protect me from whatsoever. I closed my eyes, exhaled and took his hands into mine.

“Will you tell me about it someday?”

“As soon as I can, I promise.”

And then I smiled at him, giving him some sureness that I wasn't mad or anything. All I did is protecting myself and Blaine understood why, so for now I had to live with how things were.

“Thank you,” he smiled back and kissed me again. This time though he didn't pull back and neither did I. First we kissed gently, then my tongue dipped against his lips and with a smile Blaine opened his mouth and my hands went down to his shirt to pull it over his head. I touched his bare chest, feeling the warm skin under my fingers and I really missed this feeling. It was soft but also masculine and when I felt his fingers unbuttoning my shirt I hummed against his lips and we both smiled.

“Just no hard sex this time, okay? I'm still a bit weak.”

“You like it hard?” he asked in a whisper and my shirt fell to the floor.

“Sometimes,” I answered, moving and Blaine moved with me: “But not now. I just want to be close to you before we go back to plan your wedding.”

“We don't need to have actual sex, we can only touch if that's what you want.”

I was laying on my back, my head between the pillows and for one second a thought crossed my mind. Actually it was absurd to ask that or even think about that and it made me super uncomfortable but... I couldn't help asking.

“Do you sleep with Rachel? I mean... do you care about if you sleep with a guy or a girl?”

Why the fuck didn't I ask him this yet?

Blaine chuckled, bent down to kiss me sweetly and stroked my hair back: “I'm gay. And no I didn't sleep with her.”

“I bet you have a lot of excuses to make up?”

He lay down, feeling his weight on my body and his half hard cock made me gasp.

“Maybe,” was all he said and we were kissing again, my legs open so he could lay between them and move his hips down on mine. It didn't take long and we were rutting against each other, kissing with tongue and teeth, our hands sliding through the hair of the other, or over the exposed skin, leaving burning marks. It felt so much better then the last time, I felt closer to him and not like a horny idiot who wanted to have sex with him because I really wanted to sleep with him. This time we were just slow, exploring and I enjoyed each touch, each new noise he made and I wished this would never end.

I kissed his shoulder as his lips were kissing my neck, sucking at my pulse where he could feel my heartbeat and while we were doing this my hand moved down to open his pants. He smiled against my skin, moaned quietly as I took his hard cock in my hand and then he opened my pants, doing the same to me.

“Is this okay? Or do you want more?” he breathed into my ear.

“This is just fine, don't stop.”

No, I didn't feel like having actual sex with him therefore this was more then enough for me. Only feeling the weight of his cock in my hand, pre-come leaking out, his moans, his whimpers, his voice vibrating against my skin. Jesus, I wasn't any better. Our cocks were slick with pre-come so Blaine moved his hand away, kissing my jaw, cheek and then finally my lips and moved his hips down again. Holy shit! I took my hand back, wrapping my arms around his back and holding him close, our cocks aligned, or hips moving to get the friction we needed and it didn't take long I felt already the heat building in my abdomen, feeling how close I was and judging my Blaine's noises he was close too.

“Oh fuck...” I moaned and came, my eyes rolled back to the back of head and Blaine came right after me, holding me almost too strong. My legs gave in, laying flat on the bed, feeling the come between our bodies slowly drying and my breathing slowed down.

“Shower?” he asked, kissing my neck while my hand ran up and down his with sweat covered back.

“Sounds good,” I smiled and kissed his shoulder.

 

* * *

 

No matter how often I told myself I could deal with my work, with seeing Blaine and Rachel together, wearing a fake smile, a pokerface I realized, as soon as I went inside my agency it would be harder. So much harder.

“Kurt!” I heard Mercedes and found her standing in the corridor to our offices.

“Hey,” I smiled and we hugged each other.

“One more day with Santana being the boss and I would go insane.”

I laughed and we both went to my office.

“Was it so bad? Your mails sounded different.”

I left my bag on my desk and eyed the post on it. Sitting down I checked it and listened to Mercedes.

“No work was fine we are almost done with planning Rachel's wedding. But you know Santana.”

I chuckled and noticed, although I was nervous as fuck and insecure to meet Blaine with Rachel and their families it felt good to be back here. I really loved my job and the people around me and I couldn't think of something else I wanted to be and to do.

“You only need to meet their families because Rachel wanted you to be there and take a look at the dresses for the bridesmaids and one last look at the decoration.”

I nodded slowly, going through the calender in my mind and knew the decoration would be the last point on the list. A day before the wedding. Ugh, I felt sick thinking about it.

“So,” she began and I heard by her voice that she wasn't talking about work anymore: “You were alone? Or did someone took care of you? I know I wasn't there or Finn or Santana.”

“No I was alone. I just had a cold and slept a lot,” I lied.

“No secret boyfriend? I know you are unable to do something on your own when you are sick, sweetie.”

I really hoped that, whenever Blaine wasn't with me he made sure to be with Rachel so that Mercedes and Santana saw him.

“No. Like I said I slept a lot.”

We looked at each other and I tilted my head as she was basically trying to look inside my head and then gave in.

“You should really go out from time to time. You are such a catch and you deserve someone.”

Yeah, well, I actually found someone who was engaged, with my friend.

* * *

 

As I drove to the central park to meet Blaine and Rachel at the boathouse I took my time to calm myself down. My hands held the wheel, my eyes focused on nothing and for one second I really thought about to drive back to my agency, or apartment and do nothing. I wasn't sure if I could trust myself, I wasn't sure if I could act normal around Blaine while Rachel was there and – holy shit – their parents. I hoped I wouldn't smile stupidly, I hoped I wouldn't say or do something that was suspicious. I mean, it's not the first time that I was at some point attracted to someone who was about to get married because I met so many men in my job... just this time I actually had some serious feelings, I had sex with Blaine, I was together with Blaine and I wished I could have him for myself. Exhaling I climbed out of the car, walking through the park to the boathouse and they were already there, well dressed and a huge smile on their faces. Rachel waved her hand, her dads giving me a warm smile and Blaine's parents too and Blaine... the moment our eyes met, the moment he smiled at me sadly I forgot why I was here and that there were other people with us. Exactly what I wanted to avoid happened. I thought about going away with him, leaving the others there and enjoy a walk through the park, hand in hand and smiling like idiots. But we couldn't.

“Hello, Kurt,” Rachel's dads greeted me and we shook our hands, same happened with Blaine's parents. Rachel hugged me and Blaine gave me his hand and my mind was already wandering back to the things his hand could do to me.

I told them to follow me and as soon as we were inside the huge room they walked around and observed everything while I sat at a table and checked my calender. On Thursday I would meet Rachel and the bridesmaids and I realized it was already mid August, only one month left till the wedding. The decoration was set one day before the wedding and the same week – oh fuck – vows. I had to meet them for their vows? What the hell? When did I agree on something like that? Groaning I closed my calender and leaned back, watching their parents walk along the veranda and then I turned around, to the empty space where they would dance and celebrate their wedding, and where Blaine and Rachel where standing. His arm was around her shoulder, while she said something to him and I had to admit, they looked good together but for me it was just a torture. Everything was a torture and it would be like this I didn't know for how long. Seeing them holding hands, kissing on the cheek, smiling and being just a couple... I slowly realized how much more it hurt than before. They could be like that no matter where they were while I and Blaine had to hide. We couldn't do what they were doing and it was just unfair. I hid myself in the past and promised myself I would never do this again. I told myself I would be myself and not pretend to be someone I wasn't. So I wondered what crazy thought, what on earth gave me the strength even made me do this. Sure, Blaine was everything I wanted I knew this especially after those days with him. But I wasn't sure if it was worth it, if we would make it because it hurt, so bad. Maybe Rachel wouldn't be the one who got hurt in the end... but I was hurt.

As they turned around I made myself busy, checking my phone and heard Rachel walking away and saw from the corner of my eye that Blaine was walking up to me.

_Please... not now._

“I'm sorry,” he said, bending down to me, pretending he was watching my phone while the screen was black.

“It's okay,” I lied, not looking at him and felt him kissing my cheek, knowing he made sure no one saw us.

It hurt but I had to pretend I was okay.

 

* * *

 

I didn't go to check the dresses for the bridesmaids, I asked Mercedes to do it because I honestly didn't want to see Rachel and hear her dreaming about the wedding. I called her and said that I was sorry but I had something else to do and Mercedes would do a far more better job than me. She agreed asked and I was glad that I didn't have to fine more excuses to convince her. I met them both for dinner, or to check some little things but that was all. It was enough for me to see them in each fashion, gossip or whatever magazine. Reading that it would be an awesome wedding, reading that I was the one who was planning the wedding – which caused a wave of calls in my agency and we were really busy – so I was working and busy and it felt good. Blaine always called me when he could, asking me to meet, to just hang out but I made sure we met in public so we couldn't do anything but just got to know each other better. He never talked about his parents, he never mentioned his ex and I didn't even think asking him this. I just wanted to be with him and those moments were good and made me feel good and forget about this stupid wedding. But it never felt real or right.

I wondered what his parents thought about the wedding and Rachel. They knew he was gay, right? And those rumors about his ex were true, right? Each evening I ended up on my couch, thinking about that. It didn't fit with all the other things I knew about Blaine and made this whole wedding even more suspicious. He said he couldn't tell me why he had to marry her but I was sure it had something to do with his parents. Why marry someone who's parents have also a famous fashion line? Why marry someone who wasn't a guy? Blaine didn't seem to be that kind of a person who would do something like that, not only because he was gay and had a bad taste in creating knew clothes, but it wasn't Blaine. When we were alone he was always gentle, caring and talking about how he loved his bar and enjoyed singing there just for fun. He told me about his dream, that he actually wanted to become a journalist and write about stories about people. He even studied journalism but he never applied for a job because he had money, he didn't need more. So he ended up working for his parents as a model and owning a bar. Which, I thought, was sad. I lived my dream and it made me happy and Blaine just didn't.

Nothing really fit and I wondered what it was that caused everything else. Because the way Blaine talked about people and how much he loved to write about them and share their wonderful stories made it clear for me, that he really loved doing that, even as a hobby. Compared to the way he talked about to model for his parents fashion made it really clear for me that he didn't like that. And while I thought about this each evening I only ended up in having a head ache and realizing it was all such a mess, so confusing that I wasn't sure if it was worth it. If it ever would be like I wanted it to be.

 

Saturday evening I was still in my office, sending some mails and just staying away from my apartment. Santana talked about visiting me and celebrating all the new orders we had together with Mercedes and Finn but I wasn't in the mood and tried to hide. I closed my laptop, took the glass of wine and drank it up, thinking about where else I could go. Of course I could go to Blaine and sleep there but I wasn't sure if Rachel was there and even if it was a good idea to do so. The past days I had to try hard not to ask Blaine about his parents or his ex and waited for him to tell me about it. If the gossip magazine was telling the truth then he would tell me about it. If it was only lying and no one noticed this or knew about this – or simply forgot – I didn't want to be the one to begin this rumor. Because of Blaine and also because of us. We already couldn't spent as much time together as we wanted to and like Blaine I didn't want to put him into some trouble. However, I needed to know it, at least about his parents to find some kind of sense in this whole mess. That's why I took my phone and in the moment I held it it began to vibrate.

 

Blaine 9:23pm:

My place? I made dinner and I'm alone.

 

I couldn't help myself but smile because this silly man made me happy. Sometimes it was enough to just sit with him, talk and share some time together. Then there were moments when my head thought too much and made me doubt. But I knew, I would go back to him and it was crazy that I stopped denying it that, after more than two months being around him and being able to call him mine at some point I really liked him. Maybe even loved him and whenever I thought that I wanted to slap myself in the face.

 

Kurt 9:24pm:

I'll be right there.

 

Blaine 9:25pm:

You better hurry it's getting cold here.

 

Kurt 9:26pm:

I hope you still talking about food.

 

Blaine 9:27pm:

I guess you need to find it out.

 

I only rolled my eyes, took my bag and left my office. It was always so strange to find my agency this quiet. Usually I would hear Mercedes talking with someone over the phone or Santana groaning about something or them all just laughing and working. It was almost a bit scary so quiet it was here. Yeah, I thought it was because I heard a noise from the corridor to our parking lot. I stood still, looking to the left, then straight on where I wanted to go and then to the right where the noise came from. Maybe someone was still here? Or what if someone burgled? I pulled my phone out, typing 911 and walking down the corridor hearing some noises and I pressed my back against the wall to move my head forward and take a peek. First I saw nothing, just a dim light and then I saw two figures, two familiar figures, holding each other, the one of them standing on tiptoes and they were... Holy shit! Holy fucking shit!

I turned away, making sure they couldn't hear me, couldn't see me and sneaked out of the building. What the hell was going on? What... just... the fuck!?

Why were Finn and Rachel kissing!? In my agency? In the corridors we used to walk down? Why was Rachel kissing him when she was about to marry Blaine?! Or maybe it was Finn kissin her? Well she looked like she wanted it! What the hell was going on?

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

Chapter 8. Truth

 

I had no idea for how long I sat in my car, parking before Blaine's apartment and staring at nothing. In my mind I always saw them kissing, Finn and Rachel kissing, holding each other close and acting like it was nothing special. Well, it had been nothing special if Rachel wasn't fucking engaged with Blaine and I was the one who felt guilty, who felt so much shame being with Blaine although it was wrong. And she? I wondered for how long she was doing this and I wondered why Finn didn't tell me about it. Well, of course, she probably told him not to do so. Oh god, I felt anger. I was so angry about Rachel like never before in my life. She had a perfect pokerface, she made me believe she really loved Blaine and wanted this wedding and now?

With an angry snort I climbed out of my car and walked into the building. Oh, this was great, really. Now we could just stop this wedding because neither Blaine nor Rachel where honest and so the whole wedding was pointless, right? Or maybe Blaine knew about this and that's why he said Rachel won't get hurt?

As I left the elevator I knocked against the door – maybe a bit too hard – and waited impatiently until he finally opened it. There was a wide smile on his face which faded as soon as he saw the anger in my face.

“What happened?” he asked as I walked inside and took my shoes off, leaving my back on the floor and looking at him.

“Let's sit, okay? I'm still not sure what actually happened.”

“O.. okay.”

We walked to the kitchen where I saw two plates and something inside the oven but I couldn't care less. Blaine sat down on the chair next to the small table and I sat right beside him, my eyes wide and he stared at me, confused and not sure what to say. Well, there was no need to make a big speech or anything.

“I saw Rachel and Finn kissing.”

And there was no surprise in his face, there was nothing that told me he totally had no clue about this. No he just breathed _oh_ and looked to the side.

“Oh? Don't tell me you knew about that.”

Oh, well, that was fucking great if it was true. I was going crazy with all the shame I felt, with everything that was bothering me because I was hurting my friend and now...

“Not... exactly. Damn...”

“You better tell me what's going on or we are done.”

He moved his head back to me, fast, eyes wide and than he grabbed my hands and squeezed them: “No, please. I don't want to break up.”

And then I realized how unfair it was from me to say this. I scared him and he obviously cared a lot about me. Maybe more than I thought he would.

“Sorry,” I tried to calm him down, leaned forward and kissed his lips to calm myself down too: “I'm just so confused and so angry because... I always felt so awful doing this although I want to be with you. And I know you said we wouldn't hurt her but still...”

Blaine nodded slowly, his thumbs stroking over the back of my hands and took a deep breath, exhaled and finally looked at me again.

“I call her, okay? And then I'll explain everything.”

All I did was nodding and he left to the bedroom while I went to the sink, filled a glass with water. My mouth was fucking dry and my head began to hurt while I tried to answer everything with my own logic. Well, that wasn't easy but it was clear for me that not only Blaine but also Rachel didn't want this wedding to happen, at least it wasn't their idea. Of course not. Why should Blaine marry a girl when he was gay? And why would Rachel marry someone, she only knew for what? Five months? She and Finn weren't together for... the same time. I groaned and took a sip as Blaine came back, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

“She'll be here in some minutes.”

I spitted my water into the sink, choked and stared at him with wide eyes.

“She... what?”

“She knows about us,” he said, came to me and rubbed my back while I wiped the water off my mouth with my hand. That was... I had no idea what to think about this. All I had was Blaine, his words and my trust which broke even more knowing that Rachel knew about us. It felt like he was playing with me, like he was using me for something although I knew, deep down he wasn't doing that. But it scared me, everything I didn't knew and all I thought was, I didn't want to fall in love, deeply, honest and then be fooled again. And I was sure he saw it, he somehow saw how I felt although we didn't know each other for long, but he knew.

“Trust me, Kurt,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against my shoulder: “I'm not playing with you.”

And I wished I could trust him.

 

* * *

 

It was strange sitting in Blaine's living room like this. I was sitting next to Blaine, not even trying to keep any space between us – honestly, I needed him close – and Rachel sitting next to Finn towards us. My stepbrother looked like he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, Rachel was staring at Blaine and he stared back while my eyes switched between the three faces. Thursday, 10 past morning and I was sitting here in a pretty awkward situation.

“It wasn't smart to do this in public, Rachel. What if someone had seen you two?” it was Blaine who broke the silence.

“Excuse me? You were the one who kissed Kurt almost on stage in your bar,” she objected and Blaine huffed, squeezing my hand he was holding.

I squeezed back, seeing him and Rachel looking annoyed and exhausted, while Finn rubbed her back and I still didn't understand anything.

“What if... you just explain to me what is going on,” I asked after another time of silence. Seriously, seeing this, how much they were annoyed about each other while being around their parents and other people they looked like the perfect couple.

“So you don't know?” Finn asked me and another wave of anger ran through my body. Oh, great, fucking awesome. So everyone in this room knew what was going on but me? I glared at Rachel, then at Blaine and he squeezed my hand again, eyes wide and clearly terrified I would just stand up and go. Still, I didn't think Blaine would play with me, still I thought he did this to protect me. But there was also hurt and my trust was almost gone. It felt like I fooled myself, like I was so desperate to be with him and didn't care if he was actually good for me or not. He was just everything I wanted, everything I dreamed of with this huge shadow covering this beautiful side I got to know from him. And then I ended up questioning if I really knew him. It was a mess... a huge fucking mess and I needed answers.

“Okay,” Rachel sighed and smiled at Blaine: “I'm sorry. I guess we are both just tired because soon it will be over.”

“I'm sorry too, Rachel.”

They smiled friendly at each other, like the friends I thought they were and Blaine turned his body to me, looking into my eyes, then to our holding hands and back to my eyes.

“Rachel and I met... almost a year ago at a fashion event. Our parents know each other very good and we talked about the troubles I'm in.”

Troubles? I didn't know anything about Blaine being in trouble.

“And I decided to help Blaine,” she continued and I looked confused.

“By marrying him?”

Without any answer she just stared at Blaine, waiting for him to explain and with a heavy sigh he looked back to me with apologetically eyes.

“I... was engaged a year ago but we broke up and with that I brought a lot of trouble for my parents.”

Oh, yes, so the gossip magazine wasn't lying and Blaine was really engaged with a guy.

“His name is Cyrus and he is a designer. He and my parents were working together and later we got together and two years later we were engaged. Last year, before I broke up with him he was planning the next spring, summer and fall collection for this year, together with my parents. And... as I wanted to break up with him he said he will do anything to ruin my parents fashion line. But I couldn't be with him... I just couldn't.”

Blaine's face, filled with guilt and hurt made my heart ache and so I leaned forward, kissing his temple and running my hand up and down his back to give him some comfort. I didn't care about Rachel or Finn because there was no reason to hide anymore. But, still it was unclear for me why he had to marry her.

“We met with my parents and made an agreement. If I was able to make a girl fall in love with me and marry her he would leave us alone and give us the rights for his ideas. If not, he would take everything away and ruin my family business. And then, I met Rachel.”

Slowly nodding I understood what was going on, that Rachel was only helping Blaine, that they both were only acting – and this in a very convincing way – that this marriage wasn't real. It was just a way to help Blaine and his parents.

“Obviously I had no real choice but like... I'm not into girls I knew it wouldn't work out. So Rachel knew everything and wanted to help me.”

“Yeah,” she said: “Our families are friends and I love their fashion so I thought I help him. I'm sorry for Finn to got through this but... we had to be quiet. So we planned it fast and made sure to look authentic.”

Blaine chuckled: “Well we were authentic.”

“Yes, until you fell in love with Kurt,” she snapped and Blaine turned red, like really red. Finn moved back, almost looking afraid by Rachel's expression and I only stared at Blaine, not believing what she just said. No, she was just interpreting too much into a... crush. Okay, maybe some kind of love, but not _this_ love.

“This... doesn't belong here, okay?” he mumbled.

“Of course it does. I helped you both to get out of your sad love life.”

“Rachel, please,” Finn said and I covered my hands over my face. Oh god... this wasn't happening. I never asked her to help me with this and frankly, I didn't want her to embarrass Blaine which she obviously did. Rachel huffed, leaned back and tried everything to be quiet.

“So, you two are getting married and then you'll divorce?” I asked.

“Yes. We thought about being married for two years to make it look real. Our parents know about that and do everything to support us. I'm just sorry, Finn, that you had to go through this,” Blaine explained and looked at Finn.

“I understand what you are doing but I won't say I like it,” Finn shook his head and looked for a second at me. I completely agreed with Finn and I was a bit mad at Blaine. He was sorry for Finn, he was sorry for Rachel and what about me? This was about the four of us and not just them.

“We should go now, Finn. Everything is said so far. Blaine can explain the rest to Kurt alone.”

 

They left Blaine's apartment, the food was already cold and frankly, I wasn't hungry anymore. I just sat there on Blaine's couch and stared at Blaine, while he wrote some messages on his phone and as he was done with that he looked at me, his expression unreadable. He said nothing while I has a lot to say. Like why he let his ex do this to him, or why he even agreed on such a contract or if he would just give up and don't even try to fight. Especially how did he think about us? Did he really think that I would wait for him for two years? Well, yeah, I probably would because I was crazy about him, but two years of hiding? And what about Rachel and Finn? What about his will to fight against his ex? Blaine never seemed to be the guy who gives up easily. Actually he seemed to be one of those people who could do a lot and have a lot of influence on things. But he just didn't use it. And I saw it in Blaine's face, how much it bothered him that I knew about it, that I knew this wedding was nothing but a joke, that it was against everything I believed in.

“So,” I broke the silence because I didn't want to talk about his ex or the wedding right now and Blaine neither judging by his face: “What did Rachel mean by until you fell in love with me.”

Yeah, this was nice, this was something I wanted to know and think about. Everything else could come later because I was fucking exhausted and before I saw Rachel and Finn kissing, I was really happy to go here and be alone with him.

“By that she meant my behavior towards you,” he sighed and took my hand, clearly looking more relaxed. Perhaps because I didn't began to talk about his ex or the wedding. Oh no, I hoped he wasn't thinking that I didn't care about that because I did, a lot.

“I was literally freaking out inside when I saw you and acted like an idiot around you because I didn't know what to do with myself.”

“Because you wanted to follow your plan and I wasn't part of it.”

Yeah, well, this sounded fucking bad and hurt. It felt like I was only some nice hobby, something that gave him what Rachel couldn't. Something... someone to fill this place no one else could and I even gave in and wanted the same. There was something between us, something about Blaine that made me wanting him all the time and at the same time I wanted to force him to stop the wedding, to be honest, to fight against his ex. But who was I to tell him this, to ask him for this. We only knew each other for two months and were together for two weeks.

“No, Kurt,” Blaine breathed: “You do things to me no one else did. You make me feel something that I thought I knew but I was wrong. And... I don't want to let it go.”

He kissed my cheek and wrapped his arms around my neck, which... oh. This felt different. He held me tight, close, kissing my neck not in a sexual way just like... like he wanted to make sure he wasn't lying. His body was tense, his skin cold – or I thought it was – and his heart was beating against my chest. Fast, heavy and all I did is holding him. I wondered why Blaine was like that. Was it because he knew it hurt me? Was it because he knew I still didn't trust him completely? Was it because he didn't want this to happen? Or maybe about his ex? Was there more than he told me?

“We should go to sleep, hm? It's been a long day.”

He moved back, looking into my eyes and I swore I saw something there. Tears? But Blaine blinked it back so I wasn't sure.

“You... don't want to talk about this? You don't have questions?”

Oh hell yes, I had a lot of questions, I had a lot to say about Blaine, his ex and this whole situation. But not now. After those days watching him being all in love and couple-y with Rachel I wanted him for me. Just for me.

“I have. Of course I have questions but not today.”

He was staring right into my eyes, quizzically like he couldn't believe it, like he waited for me to say it was a joke. Like... he thought I would go now and leave him. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to call him crazy but the truth was, I was crazy or something inside me was crazy enough to make me believe this was everything I wanted, needed and dreamed of. That I would be with him until the rest of my life and this scared me somehow. Probably I only thought this way because of the wedding because of all the planning, because sometimes I found myself imagining how my and Blaine's wedding would be. Jeez, it was so hard to separate fantasy and reality because I wanted it both.

“Actually I had other plans tonight,” I sighed, pushed him back and gave him a smile so he would calm down and see I wasn't mad or anything. Blaine followed my instruction, sat down, his back against the backrest while I sat down on his lap, both legs beside his thighs. And Blaine went along with a pleased smile.

“Does this plan includes us being naked?” he asked while his hands ran slowly down my sides, grabbing my ass so I had to gasp. Oh yes, the plan included us to be naked. Blaine moved his head up and I came down to him, our lips melting together, gently, happy and getting hotter and hotter. He held my ass, pressing me down to his growing cock and I followed his hands and began to move slowly. Again I felt this heat in my body, this wonderful arousal, this need for more. No one else ever made me feel so much of it, no one else ever made me lose so much control over myself and making me give in. Only Blaine and I wondered how he did it.

“I get the lube,” he whispered between kisses and with a nod I stopped moving and climbed off his lap. We both were smiling like idiots and Blaine made a small happy dance when he left the living room and I stared at the white, expensive couch. Blaine might had expensive stuff but when he was ready to make out with me here it meant that he didn't really care about such things, right? Well, I would but I would care more about him than about anything else. So while Blaine was in his bedroom I took my clothes off but my briefs and sat down, palming my half hard cock. No, I wasn't ashamed of just sitting there and doing this and I knew Blaine wouldn't mind. Actually he wasn't any better. As he came back he also only wore his briefs and his eyes along his smile grew wider. He rushed back to me, leaving the lube and condoms next to us and sat down on my lab. Smiling he leaned down, beginning to kiss me with everything he had and rocking down so our cocks were rubbing against each other. We were only doing this for some minutes, kissing, moving our hips and then I took a hold of Blaine's cock and began to stroke him through his briefs. He moaned in response and kissed my cheek, my earlobe and whispered, his forehead pressed against my temple: “I want you to fuck me.”

“What?” I murmured, my eyes half closed because the thought of being inside of him made me almost come.

“I want you to do this... I... I want you to know what I would do for you.”

Topping or bottoming, I liked both. Sometimes I wanted to be fucked and just take it and sometimes I wanted to fuck and give it. But when I slept with someone who meant something to me I was careful with what we were doing. The first time I slept with Blaine was only because I wanted him, I needed him to fuck me and have him just for one time in my life. Now it was different. Now I wanted this to mean something, to be a connection for us, a way to say things I couldn't say with words. And being the top, allowed to be inside of him meant I was the one who could hurt him more than he could hurt me. I was the one who took control now. I was the one who got so much trust from Blaine and gave him maybe half of it back. And judging by Blaine's words it meant something for him too. Maybe the same it meant for me.

“I think I know it,” I said and began to kiss him again. I felt sorry that I didn't trust him. I felt sorry that I said all these things because I had no idea what was going on. But I was also angry. However, now this didn't belong here. Blaine stood up and took my briefs off, followed by his and finally we both were naked. God, I really loved seeing him naked. His tan skin, his small waist, his muscular arms. And his ass, god, his ass. He was just perfect for me.

Back on my lap Blaine began to kiss me again, holding my face while I took the lube and poured some on my fingers. I warmed it up, ran one finger up and down the crack of Blaine's ass and teased his hole until I pushed it inside slowly. He held my shoulders, almost too strong and moaned against my lips while he moved his ass with my finger so I could go deeper.

A second finger followed, a louder moan from his lips and it drove me crazy. His strong hold, his body moving in such a well known movement, fluent, trying to get more and more. A third finger and we were kissing again, hot, sloppy and fighting for dominance.

His hands left my shoulders and one reached out for the condom, his lips still on mine, his tongue still dancing with mine then I heard how he opened it, felt his fingers on my cock and I moaned into his mouth. The white leather hurt a bit on my skin because we were sweating, because he was still moving and I moved along with him. I felt the condom around my cock, heard the plop of the lube. I let Blaine do the rest, let him smear the lube on my cock, let him make sure it was everywhere and even if I tried to help him, he wouldn't let me.

“It will feel so good. Your cock is so big,” he whispered and stopped moving. My fingers slipped out of his tight hole, held his hips and then he raised himself up, held my dick and moved down, slowly, the head of my cock pressing against his stretched hole and... holy fucking shit! Blaine was tight, hot and literally swallowing my dick inside his ass that I wasn't sure what turned me more on. The tightness, his low moan of pleasure or how he arched his body back, throwing his head back and still sliding down. His neck was just there, completely exposed to me showing me how he swallowed, his chest was rising up and down, the shape of his ribs, the muscles so clear, well formed... holy bloody hell.

“Oh Kurt... fuck.”

The way he said my name, how his voice was only filled with arousal, with pleasure, so pleased. And his skin, god. I leaned forward, attacking his neck with my lips and sucking hard while we both began to move. God, this was good, the tight walls around my cock, the taste of his skin on my lips and tongue, the smooth burning skin under my fingertips feeling each breath, each vibration of his voice, each muscle.

“So good...” he moaned, his lips back on mine: “You feel so perfect inside me.”

Holy fuck! He began to move faster, I did the same. Blaine was moaning louder, I did the same. We were moving fast, I tried to thrust as deep and fast as I could and then he took my hand, leading it to his cock and I began to stroke him to his orgasm. No it didn't take long and he was writhing in my arms, groaning my name while white hot stripes of cum covered my chest and belly. I came right after him, pulling him back down to me so I could moan against his lips, hold his shaking body and he held me.

 

* * *

 

It was almost 1:30am when we were laying in Blaine's bed, my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and his arms held me close, his lips kissed my forehead and his fingers were so gently drawing circles over my skin. I inhaled his scent, I snuggled closer to him and wanted more and more from this wonderful feeling only Blaine could give me. Oh yes, it was crazy and stupid perhaps... but I really, really began to love this guy. This wasn't just a crush, this was no phase, this was more and I wanted it. I wanted it but I couldn't have him... at least not the way I wanted to have him.

“Kurt?” Blaine whispered.

“Hmm?”

“You have to promise me something.”

Oh? I moved my head off his chest, only leaning back a little so I could look into his eyes and see the worry there. Worry? Why was he worried? And promise something?

“And... what?”

My boyfriend sighed, kissed my lips gently and his honey-amber eyes looked right into mine, like he was trying to plant some thought into my mind or to read it.

“Please do never... never look for Cyrus or talk about that.”

“Of course I won't do that.”

I didn't get it. I had no idea how Cyrus looked like and I knew he couldn't know about this because it would put Blaine into trouble. Knowing Blaine was safe was important for me.

“You don't understand, Kurt,” his voice was serious, calm and he still stared into eyes: “I told you this could be dangerous for you. I told you this could cause you a lot of trouble. Cyrus can do that. He can do things to people...”

Blaine stopped talking, sighed and kissed my forehead again.

“Just promise me you won't talk about this, or look for him or anything. Just act like you...”

“Like I'm just some wedding planner. Planning the wedding of a friend of mine.”

And again I saw the hurt in Blaine's eyes, how he bit his lower lip and it was such a different picture of the Blaine I got to know at the beginning. There was no idiot, no diva, no crazy guy. There was no man acting like he had no idea what he was doing or teasing me. I liked this Blaine but I also missed the other one, the.. strong Blaine who didn't give up.

“You are more than that, Kurt. You know you aren't just a wedding planner. You are more,” he held me close, almost too strong and kissed my cheek: “I told you... you do things to me... make me feel so many wonderful things I won't let you go.”

And exactly this made me stay here. Exactly the same thing Blaine told me. There was something, he did something to me I couldn't let it go. I couldn't let him go but also... I couldn't be with him while things were like this.


	10. Chapter 10

 

Chapter 9. Vow

 

Knowing why they wanted to get married because of something like this bothered me a lot. More than I thought it would. It bothered me at the beginning because I had a crush on Blaine. Then because I thought he was a bad person and not good enough for Rachel. Then because he and I had sex together and I didn't want Rachel to marry a cheater and I was part of it. I felt so much shame, I was so disgusted with myself because I agreed on being with him even if he would get married and play this game. And now I knew why they really wanted to get married and also that Rachel was kind of still or back together with Finn. Actually this should have been enough for me to not feel like a bad person for wanting and being with Blaine. Well, I knew I wouldn't be fine with how things were.

 

I was a wedding planner and I really believed in the meaning of being married with someone. It had nothing to do with god or the church for me. I believed in this bond between to people. A bond of love, a promise of being together through good and bad times. A bond you don't share with anyone. Because you love each other, because you want this person to be a part of your life, to have a family, to make it official. Obviously the wedding of Blaine and Rachel was nothing like that. It was just an agreement between friends and their families to avoid trouble. It was like... running away.

 

I wanted to talk with Blaine about that, I wanted to tell him what I thought and what he maybe could do instead of getting married. But there was always something that made me shut my mouth and say nothing. Like... Blaine and I weren't that long together so I felt like I had no say in that matter nor was our bond so strong that it made me 100% sure we would be together for a long time. Actually my heart screamed at me that he was the one, that I would never find someone like Blaine for me, while my sanity screamed I should wait and see. And sometimes it screamed I should stop this and use the following two years differently and not in a secret relationship. But I obeyed that part. I wanted to be with Blaine and he made it hard for me to leave him. After the day we talked with Rachel and Finn we met each other everyday and sometimes he slept at my place or I at his. Outside our apartments we behaved like before. I was the wedding planner and he was the future husband of my friend. Inside our rooms, hidden by the walls we were gentle to each other, talking, cooking together and having sex whenever we could. I loved his body on mine, I loved feeling his hands holing me on my hips, around my waist, my head or just his arms around me. And I loved to hold him too, do the same things to him he did to me. I just really enjoyed it being close to Blaine. My body became so relaxed, my mind stopped thinking and I was drowning in this incredible warm feeling. I felt safe, I felt loved and suddenly everything made sense and was so easy. Unless Blaine was not with me, then everything was just a mess.

 

* * *

 

I was sitting in my office when Rachel knocked against my door and came inside, with an unsure expression on her face. The moment I saw her I prayed to whoever would hear me that she didn't do something with Finn while everybody else was around. I knew Santana would be furious and not shut her mouth. She would have made sure that everyone knew what she saw and what it meant for the wedding. Well, probably she would be visiting me and tell me about it first. Mercedes for sure had done that.

“Do you have a minute or two for me?”

“Sure,” I said as I closed my file and put it aside. Her brown eyes looked at me with so much guilt that I wondered if she was only playing it or not. Rachel Berry was a good actress, I witnessed it and although things were clear I was still mad at her for playing that game with me. Lying at me, making me feel like a bad person because she didn't tell me about the truth. This wasn't even about Blaine or that she knew he had a crush on me. This was simply about our friendship. Usually she trusted me, told me almost everything and something like this, this wedding, this plan of helping someone out of trouble... I wondered if she really trusted me.

“I guess you are angry, right?”

Oh, yeah, of course.

“But look, I helped you and Blaine to come closer. Just think about it. I gave him your number, was gone for a while, you where in central park, had dinner together and then the dancing hour.”

The... fuck?

“Rachel, seriously... you consider this as bringing us closer?”

“Well of course. After Peter you closed yourself up and when Blaine told me he likes you I thought you would be perfect for each other.”

On one hand this was actually nice from her. But... I was no little teenage boy who needed help in his love life. If Blaine liked me from the start he should have told me so and he did... although his ways of showing me that he liked me were irritating and strange.

“Rachel, we are no longer high school kids, okay? Also if you had been honest with me from the start I wouldn't be so mad with you. You made me feel like a bad person because I did things with Blaine I shouldn't have done.”

“Kurt... I couldn't tell you the real reason. You don't know his ex and what he is capable of.”

“Blaine already warned me, thank you very much. And thank you for your trust.”

As if I would be the one, running around and telling the world what Blaine's plan was, why they wanted to get married. As if I would put my friends into any trouble. It hurt that she probably thought that way and it hurt me more than it made me angry.

“I trust you Kurt, but I promised Blaine I wouldn't tell anyone about that,” she sighed and again her eyes were apologetic.

“Look, Rachel. It's not only about that you didn't tell me about it because you know what I think about marriage. It's more. You were there, you saw what Peter did and how much it hurt me. And then you try to bring Blaine and me closer but still you both want to get married and this for two years? Do you think I want to be in a secret relationship for two years? If I decide to do that?”

Her body went rigid, her eyes grew wide. Yeah, exactly this and that she only realized it now told me, that she wasn't really thinking about what she was doing. Perhaps she thought it would be awesome to help me, bring us together and see us happy for a while. In the end though it would lead me and Blaine into pain, desperation and sadness.

“I... I never thought about that.”

“Yeah, I see that.”

And then her eyes became watery, her lips trembling and I couldn't stand it. Seeing a person cry or sad was something I didn't like no matter who it was. Who was I kidding? I knew she only wanted to help, I knew she only followed her heart and wanted to make us happy. Still, it didn't change anything. There was no way Blaine and I would be happy for a long time. Sooner or later one of us would break apart. With a deep sigh I stood up as Rachel began to sob and walked to her, wrapping my arms around her.

“I know you meant it well.”

“I'm sorry,” she cried and clung to my clothes: “I just saw how perfect you two would be together.”

Maybe we were... no, we definitely were if the circumstances were different. Blaine had his bar, his side job as a model and maybe he could give this all up and become the journalist he wanted to be. He didn't have to play this game, pretend to be someone and this for – when it was done – three years just to please some asshole of a ex.

“It's okay,” I tried to calm her down. How could she be fine with that? How could Finn agree on that? How could they all just accept it and move on? I couldn't.

 

* * *

 

There were only eight days left and then Blaine and Rachel would get married and I still tried to figure something out to stop this wedding. Of course I knew the consequences, I knew what his ex could do and I was no one compared to Blaine's family. They could ruin me, they would be ruined by Cyrus and I knew, if they wouldn't get married our life would be hell. No matter which way I choose each of them ended with us being in pain. However, I was a Hummel and my dad always said no one is pushing us around so I really wanted to fight and do something against Blaine's ex. Bowing down because someone might ruin your life is only a sign for weakness for the other person and who said Cyrus would stop his insane behavior even if Blaine got married to Rachel? No one could say that. There was only one thing clear for me, I wanted to be with Blaine despite everything that told me I shouldn't. Well, love and logic didn't belong together always.

I climbed out of my car when I arrived at the Anderson fashion house and walked inside. Today I had a meeting with Blaine to see his suit and the things they changed. Santana took care of the bridesmaids – because she was one of those – and also at Rachel's wedding dress. I really didn't want to meet her before the wedding I was still so mad at her.

While I walked through the hall and took the elevator to Blaine's office I fixed my tie, took on last look at my hair and whole presence in the mirror and walked outside when I reached the 4th floor.

Actually we wanted to meet at his apartment but we both knew this wouldn't end up with us preparing the last points for the wedding or checking his suit. No, we would end up fucking or cuddling or something else.

“You can't do this Blaine!”

Mr. Anderson yelled behind the door to Blaine's office and I stood still, staring at the door before I even got the chance to knock against the dark wood.

“We can figure something out, dad. We can go to a lawyer or something. There must be another way.”

“There is no other way. We signed this contract and that's it. And you marrying Rachel is our way out of this mess to keep the family business in our family.”

They said nothing for a while and I hesitated to go away or stay because – damn – I wanted to hear more but at the same time it was none of my business to hear what they were talking about.

“Think about it Blaine. Two years are nothing and then you can do whatever you want.”

Again Blaine said nothing and then I heard footsteps and quickly walked away, hiding behind a wall and hearing the door going open, closed and then how his father went down the corridor. I breathed in and out, two times and then I went back to Blaine's office unsure what I would see there or how Blaine would look like. But one thing was pretty clear for me, he said something that made his dad upset. Maybe he wanted not to marry her anymore? Maybe he made up his mind? For... me?

Yeah, as if.

I shook my head, knocked against his door and opened it as he called me in. I opened the door, peeked inside and saw him standing in front of his desk and placing his mug down and turning around. The second he saw me a huge grin stretched over his face and I smiled back. God, how could I not when this handsome, gorgeous man was smiling because of me.

He walked up to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and held me close, almost too strong.

“Everything okay?”

He hummed against my neck and nodded: “Now, yes,” and then he pulled back and placed a sweet long kiss on my lips. Damn those lips! They always made me weak and forget everything for a while but him.

“How was your day so far?”

“Not too bad.”

I wanted to tell him about Rachel, about the things that went through my head and made me worried. All the things that hurt me and told me to not go any further with him. I fell for him more and more, I felt how this crush, this need for him turned into love and I knew it was a pointless love.

“So.. the suit?”

“Yeah... the suit,” he mumbled, his smile disappeared and his shoulders fell. Blaine's office was almost lifeless. Just a desk, two armchairs, a bookshelf and a closet which Blaine opened and took out the suit. It was nothing special, nothing chosen by heart just a simple black suit, white shirt and black tie made by the Anderson fashion line.

“You haven't changed anything?” I asked as my eyes went up and down.

“Not really. I want to add a red rose to the breast pocket and that's it,” he answered and waited for me to nod or say something so he could put it back into the closet.

“Yeah I think this will work.”

“Good.”

I watched him walking back to the closet, saw his expressionless face, his tired body language and noticed how much he didn't care about this wedding. Even less than days ago.

“Blaine... I think we should talk.”

Oh god, I really didn't feel like I was in the right position yet. What was wrong with me? We were... together for almost a months and I wanted him to stop everything, this wedding, this hiding just so he would be available for me? All the time without pretending something?

He turned around while nodding and his big honey eyes were staring to the floor and god damn it!

“What do you want for... dinner,” I said quickly and made him smile again, his eyes sparkling. God, no... he was just fighting with his dad and now I wanted to talk with him about the wedding too? And tell him I didn't want to be with him until he was completely free? No, not now, he looked like a kicked puppy and I couldn't bring myself to do such a thing now.

“Mmmmh,” he hummed, his arms back around my body and his lips on mine: “As long as I have you as dessert I don't care.”

I rolled my eyes as he chuckled and kissed him back when I felt his lips back on mine. Slowly he was pushing me back, down to the armchair and held my face for a while. Oh sweet Jesus, he could make me horny within seconds and make me want things at the wrong time and place. Ha, yeah I wasn't the only one feeling like that. With a pleased smile he pulled back, went to the door and locked it.

He came back to me, still smiling and began to kiss me again. My hands were placed on the back of his head, pulling him closer and I opened my mouth as I felt his tongue against my lips. We breathed through our noses, made small whimpering sounds and his hand ran down from my neck, over my chest and to my pants. Instinctively I moved into his touch, feeling my cock hardening and then he opened my pants, slit down to his knees and began to stroke me gently. Oh fuck, sometimes I dreamed about office sex but I never really thought it would happen to me. In my office there were always people, impossible to do something like that. But here... holy shit his eyes looking at me, hungry, this damn smirk on his face and then I felt his lips around the head of my cock. Holy fucking shit, this was happening. I leaned my head back, keeping my mouth shut to not just moan loudly or groan in pleasure while Blaine bobbed his head up and down. It was so hot, his tongue so good around my dick and the little sounds he made ran through my body.

“Shit...” I whispered and bit on my knuckles while my other hand ran through his hair and pressed him down when he took me all the way in. There I was getting one of those incredible blowjobs only Blaine Anderson could give. Hard as a rock he began to move my hips with his movements, feeling the familiar swirling feeling in my abdomen and also Blaine felt how close I was so he began to move faster, sucking harder and I lost it. With a silent cry I came in his mouth, feeling how eager he was to swallow it all.

“Oh god...” exhaling I felt how my dizzy mind became slowly clear again and opened my eyes just to see his pleased face, his dark eyes and his hands running through my hair, wiping the cold sweat away.

“What... what about you?”  
“What about me?” he chuckled, kissed my lips and – fuck – I could taste myself.

“Aren't you... needing release?” I asked breathy as he tucked me back into my pants.

“You can thank me later,” he whispered and kissed my cheek. Oh god, be more adorable, let me love you more you idiot was all I thought.

 

* * *

 

It was the day before the wedding. Friday, the day I usually went to Blaine's place and watched some movies with him. This time however I would meet with him to work on his vow or at least listen to his vow he wrote for Rachel. I should be the one saying if it sounded believable, if it was right, not too much but enough. I really didn't want to do this. Listening to a vow, a fake vow, basically a lie from the person I wanted to be with and knew he was probably the one I wanted to spent the rest of my life with hurt. It hurt so deep and so much I emptied half of a bottle with wine. Well, not even the alcohol wanted to support me. My mind was clear not even a but dizzy, nothing and I groaned annoyed with myself.

With trembling fingers I stared on the display of my phone and thought about to call Finn or not and ask him what he was thinking and how he was dealing with this. We never talked again about the night I finally got to know why this wedding was happening. How could we? There was always someone around us like Santana or Mercedes who had no idea about Blaine and his problem. Actually I always figured things out alone and also I wanted to figure this out by myself. It was just that it wasn't only about me and Blaine. It was also about Rachel and my stepbrother and I wondered what Finn and Rachel agreed on because, obviously, they didn't want to break up or anything and Finn was the only one I could talk about this if I didn't count Blaine in.

With a huff I called him and waited until he picked up.

“Hey Kurt!”

“Hey...” and there they went, all the words I wanted to say.

“Did I forget something?”

“No... no Finn. I just... need to ask you something.”

“Okay?”

I rubbed my eyes, bit my lower lip and exhaled before I spoke: “How do you... deal with this? With this wedding?”

“Um, well... I know Rachel is only helping Blaine and after two years we'll be back together.”

“Yeah but... don't you think this isn't the right way? Bowing down and do what others say?”

Finn was quiet for a while, thinking.

“Well, I would fight against this dude Clyus.”

“Cyrus.”

“Yeah, Cyrus. But you know this is some huge stuff and I really think they should decide what to do and what not. I only know that Rachel loves me and that she'll be with me whenever she can. I trust her and think, that she wants to help him so... I think it's a good thing.”

The difference here clearly was that Rachel loved Finn and he loved her. They were together for years now, they knew each other and they were ready to get married, have a family and spent the rest of their lives together. They had this connection Blaine and I didn't have. They loved each other and I... I knew I loved him but maybe, in some months I or he would see how wrong we were.

“Are you and Blaine okay?”

“Yeah... yeah. Get some sleep, tomorrow will be a long day.”

For the first time ever I didn't want to go to a wedding I have planned. I didn't want to see the guest, Rachel in a white dress, walking up to Blaine and giving each other fake promises. For the first time I really wanted to just drop everything and go somewhere. Maybe I could visit my dad for a while. I haven't seen him or Carole for a long time and sure, he would be surprised and know that something was up. But it was still better than being here and let my heart get broken. I stared at my table, thinking and thinking and maybe... maybe I should try to talk with Blaine first before I do such a thing. I had a responsibility and before I could just leave I had to call Mercedes and Santana and give them all the stuff that needed to be done, the other jobs we had and everything that I had to do someone else would have to finish. All these thoughts made me feel such a discomfort I haven't felt like that for years.

As I heard the knocking against my door I knew it could only be Blaine and also that this was my last chance to tell him what I was thinking, what I thought he could do... what I wanted. I wouldn't push him or force him I only wanted to let him know how I thought and felt about that. Eventually he had to decide what to do and then I would make my decision.

“Hey,” he smiled at me as I opened the door and let him inside. We shared a brief kiss, went to the living room, while the warm light of the sunset shined through my window.

“You were drinking? Everything okay?” he asked when he saw the bottle of wine on my coffee table and I cursed myself for not hiding it.

“Not... really. But let's work on your vow first, okay?”

With a small nod he sat down, pulling a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it.

“You want some wine?”

“Sure.”

I went back to the kitchen, taking a wineglass and walked back to Blaine, sitting down and pouring some wine in our glasses. Step by step, I kept on telling myself in my head.

“Here,” he handed me the note and I only shook my head.

“Read it to me. I need to hear it and tell you if it sounds believable.”

Blaine swallowed, stared at me for a while and then focused on the words he'd written down. It was really strange, still so strange to see him like this. Not this ball of nerves, running around and trying to get on my nerves, or what I knew now, to impress me and show me that he liked me. Now he was only the handsome Blaine Anderson who liked to cuddle, say stupid things or dirty things but always be gentle, always nice, always prince charming. But weak, so weak and scared of a guy that could not only ruin his life but also mine.

I took my glass, enjoyed a sip – damn I really needed it – and waited for him to begin.

“Rachel, the first time I saw you I truly understood what it means to fall in love and imagine a life with someone else. People keep talking about love at first sight and I never believed in something like this. But now even I witnessed it and understood more than in my entire life. I see the colors people talk about when they talk about love. I see the beautiful things in the world. I understand how special life is when you can share it with someone you truly love. I understand why people make these promises, why they decide to get married to this special person. I understand what it means to be alive for the first time ever. And now it's my turn to promise you this, to be loyal, to be at your side no matter what, to make you feel alive and loved. And I promise to be forever grateful for what you give me with one single look from you.”

My eyes were stuck on his face which never left the notes. My hand held the glass to strong and my breath just stopped as I heard his voice. I... didn't expect this and it... surprised me, like really. It was like I could take a deep look into his soul, although each word wasn't true but it no one would think this all was a lie. Of course not. Not one person would guess that this vow was just a joke if they didn't know why they got married anyway. And he wanted to say all this to her, all these words someone else should hear. Someone he really wanted to marry.

“I.. actually this is... about you,” he stammered like a nervous child and slowly looked into my eyes. About me? He... wrote those words for me? Slowly my heart began to beat faster, making it hard to breath and my eyes were burning. Why? Why did he those things to me? Why couldn't it be easy for us? For me?

“This happened to me when I saw you in the restaurant... and... the closer we got the more I understood what was happening with my heart.”

I put the glass back on the table, stood up and walked around the room, wiping my eyes. Oh fuck no! I wouldn't cry in front of him now and show him how much it hurt me and how much I wished this was true. It was stupid, so stupid to feel like this after only a month. It was stupid and immature to give everything for a guy I couldn't have for two years.

“Kurt,” I heard him behind me as I leaned against to counter in the kitchen. His arms were on my shoulders, his lips so close to my neck and I let him turn me around so we could look at each other. My cheeks were red, my eyes watery and somehow I stopped my tears from falling.

“What happened?”

He really asked what happened? He really was so clueless? I couldn't... I just couldn't hold it back anymore.

“This wedding, Blaine. This is what is about to happen.”

“Is this about your believe in marriage?”

“No. Not only. It's about everything. You know, honestly, we shouldn't have started this in the first place. Look at us now. We were doing this for a month now, knowing that you would marry her anyway and now what? You think I can act like this for two more years? Hiding in rooms just for the sake to be with you?”

His eyes were wide, his hands left my body and he tilted his head to the side, watching me like he didn't understand what I was saying.

“I can't do this, Blaine. I don't want to live in a fake relationship because that's what it is for me even if we know the truth. I want to go out with you, hold your hand when we walk down the streets. I want to do all the things other couples do in public. But we can't. We can't do it because of your asshole of a ex fiance.”

“Kurt... this isn't easy for me neither. But I have no choice. This is for the best for all of us.”

“All of us?” I almost scoffed and walked through the room, rubbing my forehead: “Sorry to say it, but it's not the best for me. I won't run after something I can't have, again.”

Blaine only stood there where I left him and his expression changed. He wasn't confused anymore or trying to figure something out. No, he looked at me like a new thought just crossed his mind.

“What happened?”

“Blaine do you even listen to what...”

“No. I mean what happened in the past? Why did you say you won't run after someone again.”

Oh... this. I never told him about Peter, about that we wanted to get married in the boathouse. About how long we were together, the proposal, the time being engaged until we... I broke up with him.

“Someone hurt me, okay? That's all. Someone thought it would be fucking great to play a game with me and hurt me.”

“Kurt, I'm not playing with you. I want to be with you and I know we can make it through the two years.”

Hell no, I wouldn't sit there like a loyal idiot and wait for him. In those two years I could do more, meet new people, maybe someone else and finally go on that Europe trip I wanted to do. Blaine couldn't follow me because this would be suspicious as fuck when he wasn't around his wife from time to time.

“Why don't you just fight against him? There must be something a lawyer can do or not?”

“You don't know him, Kurt. I wasn't kidding when I said he can ruin everything.”

I felt the tears coming back, my anger growing and especially the desperation. How could he give up so easily? How could he not just try to work against him? If I was so important to him, if he really meant everything he said why didn't he act on his words?

“I want all those things too, Kurt. I want to go out with you, show the world that I'm with you. But I can't. Not now.”

“And I can't be with someone together who can't stand up for me or himself!”

Blaine stood stock still, eyes wide and staring at me while I felt how a huge relieve ran through my body and I could finally breath for the first time since I knew what was going on.

“There is always a way out, Blaine. Always. But you are just too scared to even try it. I would go with you, I would help you through this. But you decide to bow down and let this asshole rule your life.”

His honey eyes were glassy, his hands turning into fists and he opened his mouth but closed it again. I knew it wasn't fair saying this. I knew it hurt. But this past days hurt more compared to this and I knew we would hurt each other more and more.

“I try to protect you and my family! I try, okay!? But you don't see it!”

And with this he walked away, fast, opening the door and leaving my apartment.

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

Chapter 10. Careless love

 

September. I really liked September. It was the month when the summer said goodbye, greeted the autumn and the weather was just nice. Not too cold not too hot and the leaves slowly turned into all those warm colors. Red, orange, yellow and covered the pavements and streets in a beautiful colorful field. No painter could paint the beauty from the nature so real like nature itself. But this time I couldn't be happy about the coming fall. All I wanted to do was to go to my father and spent some days with him and Carole. To Santana's protest.

“I don't understand you. First you screw around with Blaine, then you still plan their wedding and let Rachel marry him? And now you are leaving?”

I packed my bag, ignoring her while she leaned against the door frame to my bedroom.

“Okay, something happened and I know it. You've been pretty busy and not with work.”

For a second I stopped moving, held the shirt to strong in my hands and she exhaled soundly.

“You kept fooling around with him!? Kurt!”

“It doesn't matter anymore. He will marry Rachel and that's it.”

I closed my bag, pulled it down from my bed and faced her, seeing her questioning look. I promised I wouldn't say a word about what the real reason for this wedding was. It was none of my business anymore and I didn't want to see this lie of a wedding. Actually I didn't trust myself to let this wedding even happen. In my dreams I ran to Blaine, to his apartment begged him to not marry her or ran through the church before he said yes and all eyes where on me, which was even worse. He knew what I was thinking and he still decided to marry her so it was clear for me that there was no future for us right now and maybe never. Yeah, sometimes you find the perfect thing but you can't have it. This would make a good novel I thought. Bestseller in the New York Times.

“So you let your friend marry a gay man who was screwing with you, cheating on her and just like that?”

“No. They decided to do so. She knows and is fine with that,” I said as Santana wanted to protest again that I couldn't let that happen to my friend and her eyes became wide. Yeah, Rachel knew it. Actually it was Rachel who brought us together in such crazy ways.

I took my bag and left my bedroom, walking through the small corridor to the kitchen and checked the time. 09:13am just three more hours and the wedding would begin.

“You should go, Santana. There is enough stuff to do before the wedding begins and I'll be back next Friday.”

There was a message from Blaine, one from Rachel and some missed calls from Santana and Mercedes. I really didn't have the strength to deal with Blaine nor Rachel I just wanted to leave my apartment, New York and have a break from all the memories with them. I knew my dad would cheer me up and give me that one thing I needed to be able to think straight again. This mess in my mind was just exhausting.

“Kurt, seriously. What happened? There must be something else otherwise you wouldn't act the way you do it now,” she said, no smile, no joking in her voice, nothing but seriousness. Her dark eyes were piercing into mine trying to figure something out, trying to find the truth but all I did is shaking my head.

“I just figured out that you were right,” I said and shoved my phone back into my pocket: “This crush gave me nothing but pain.”

I was 25 years old and I acted like a stupid teenager, wanting something I knew I couldn't have, falling in love with someone I knew would never be mine. This made me even more upset than the fact that they would get married anyway. My own stupid behavior.

“Fine. Just don't do any stupid stuff, got it? Mercedes and I will have everything under control.”

“Thanks,” I smiled weakly.

 

* * *

 

My dad had no idea about that I was on my way back to Lima for almost a week. I thought it would be a nice surprise although this was not the reason why I didn’t call him. He knew me better than anyone and with my call I would only worry him and maybe he would say something to me that would make me stay. No, I couldn't stay in my apartment or this city. It was better to talk with my dad face to face and get some rest. The rest only my dad's house could give me.

I took a flight to Lima, trying not to think about the wedding when it was almost 1p.m. And even turned my phone off. I didn't need to see messages from anyone or get any calls. All I wanted was to take a cab and drive to my dad and forget my work, forget the weddings and especially stop thinking about Blaine. Which I knew was impossible. My whole world was turning around Blaine Anderson and I tried to find a way out.

 

Around 2pm I arrived at the house I used to live in for so many years. This place would always be the one I considered as home. Here were so many memories, so many things that made me who I was today and here was the place were my dad lived and always waited for me and welcomed me back. I couldn't help but smile, truly with all my heart when I saw that the garage was open and my dad was working at a car, hands dirty, wearing his cap and just being himself. How I knew him and how I left him.

“It's Saturday, dad. I told you to take care of yourself,” I grinned and chuckled as he hit the back of his head against the car hood. He rubbed his head, turned around and stared at me, eyes wide and as he realized it was me a huge warm grin stretched over his lips right to his ears.

“Kurt!” he came up to me, his arms stretched out to pull me into a close hug and I didn't care about his dirty hands or my clothes. I was just happy to be here and get the comfort only my dad could give me.

“Kiddo! What are you doin' here?”

“I just needed a break from all the work.”

“Isn't Rachel's wedding today?”

Oh... there it began and I didn't have to say anything because I saw it in his eyes that he knew something was up.

“Well, seems like something big happened, huh?”

“You can say that.”

 

We went inside and I left my bag in my old room which never became a guest room. I always told my dad to do whatever he wanted to do with it but he always said he wanted to keep my room for me so that, when I came back I always had my place and never forgot that this would always be my home. It was such a nice feeling to have my room and knowing it would never change but, seriously, I loved living in New York even if right now all I wanted was to leave this city and be somewhere else. At a beach or somewhere with less people.

With two mugs of coffee we sat at the kitchen table and my dad stared at me, still happy but also with concern.

“How long do I have to wait until you tell me what happened?” he smiled around his mug and then it hit me what I actually wanted to say. What I wanted to confess. I was seeing Rachel's fiance, I was sleeping with him, falling in love with him and although I knew it was wrong I did it. Well, I knew now I did nothing wrong but at first... it seems so. Oh God, why didn't I think about it before I got here? Telling my dad such a thing... I never did something like this.

“Just promise me to listen to the whole story before you judge me or freak out, okay?”

“Kurt, come on.”

“Okay... fine.”

Since my dad knew that Finn and Rachel broke up and that she wanted to marry someone else I began from the day I met Blaine and let some details a father really shouldn't know out. When I told him about how Blaine and I secretly dated he frowned and then I told him about Finn and Rachel and my dad was the only one I told about Cyrus. I knew I shouldn't but otherwise he would just know I was hiding something, the real reason why I acted that way.

“And then I just needed to leave New York and I really didn't want to see this wedding. It's not happening because of what I believe in and... I just couldn't stand it anymore. We are hurting each other and I can't be with him when he let's this... this guy rule over his life.”

I was no one who liked to be pushed around and let others decide what I should do and what not. Of course I listened to my friends and family but I always decided to do what felt right for me. Not what others thought. Sometimes it was a mistake and sometimes not. This was life and I learned from my mistakes. My dad knew this, he raised me up so I wasn't really surprised when he looked at me with raised eyebrows. He always looked at me that way when I did something that is wrong. And being with Blaine although I knew nothing about Cyrus was wrong at the beginning.

“Seems like this guy is pretty special?”

“Dad... Blaine is... yeah, fine maybe he is special but he is also not standing up for himself.”

He chuckled a bit and squeezed my shoulder: “I get that. But it seems like he is special otherwise you wouldn't be... interested in him, right?”

I looked at him, tilt my head and didn't understand what he was trying to say.

“Look, after Peter you were pretty down and you rejected each guy who tried to flirt with you.”

“Wha... how do you know that?”

He leaned back, a small smile on his face and look like I was kidding him.

“Oh... right, Finn, I guess?”

“Finn, yes. But also when I was talking with you... you weren't really you. I know you liked Peter a lot but what he did doesn't mean each guy will do to you.”

“So you are saying I should go back and be with him?”

“No, of course not,” he laughed: “I think you should wait and see. After all he seems to be special because you stopped rejecting people. And I know you Kurt. You knew Blaine would marry Rachel, you knew it was pointless to even try something. Yet, you did it and this tells me that there is something special. Otherwise you wouldn't have done what you did.”

My eyes were focused on my mug, my fingers running circles at the rim. My dad was right, of course he was special to me and I really haven't done what I did if it doesn't mean anything. Right from the start when I had this crush I kept on telling myself how stupid it was to feel that way. But the feelings grew bigger and bigger and something was there... something that made me do things I wouldn't have done with any other person probably.

“But... I can't be with him when he let's this guy rule over his life. He didn't want to marry her, yet he did it. This isn't right and what if something happens in my life and he'll just run away like he is doing it now?”

“Talk with him. Talk, Kurt, not being stubborn. Listen to him and talk with him and if he means as much as he means to you, you two will figure something out. And... you know. His family is famous and rich like Rachel's and we both saw what problems they have and what decisions they have to make.”

I smiled at him and knew what he meant. One time we had dinner with Rachel and her dads and they told us about their problems and decisions they had to make. Problems I was happy about I didn't have them. This one time when they went to a fashion show and Rachel wanted to take Finn with her but her dad's said he wasn't the right type of a guy next to her for the theme of the show. She was furious, Finn was fine with that – honestly, Finn never liked those shows – and they had a huge fight about nothing to be honest.

“How long are you planning to stay here?” he asked when I didn't say anything.

“Actually until Friday, if Santana and Mercedes don't need me.”

“Good, then... let's enjoy those days, alright? It's been a while since my busy son gave me the honor to visit me.”

I smiled at him and stood up to hug him, grateful and happy.

“Thanks, dad.”

“It's alright, kiddo. Now, I'll call Carole and what do you think about when we three go out for dinner tonight?”

I pulled back, wiping my eyes and nodded. It felt really good to be here.

 

* * *

 

At evening we went to a nice restaurant with live music. It was a new place in Lima and probably also a perfect place to celebrate a wedding. This time though I didn't think about what a wedding would look like here, or how I would decorate the creme-white walls, dark red curtains and the round tables. No, for now I didn't want to think about any weddings, or marriage. It always took my mind back to Blaine and I really couldn't handle the thought of him right now. He was probably married now, together with Rachel and doing what a celebrity had to do. Giving interviews, let the world know that he was married to a woman so his ex would also know it. I turned my phone off and let it off and planned to keep it that way until Monday so I didn't knew what was going on. I avoided newspapers and the TV. The next two days should only be about my family and without any worries or work or weddings. It was great to be with dad and Carole. For the first time I actually ate something that was more than a soup or a bottle of water. I ate so much even my dad's eyes grew wide and we ended up laughing and chatting about everything and nothing. It was incredible, lovely and exactly what I needed to calm down and take a deep breath. After we were done with eating I actually rubbed my belly and sighed pleased which made my dad smile, like really smile, a huge, unbelievable smile. Carole placed her hand on my dad's shoulder and chuckled.

“You made your father speechless.”

“Look at him! He never ate so much in years!”

I rolled my eyes and smirked back.

“Thanks for the dinner, dad.”

He smiled: “So, are we going or...” My dad stopped talking as some people began to clap and the light turned dim. I turned around, watching the stage, the piano but couldn't see everything because there were hands put up in the air, clapping and then the lights went out for some seconds. A special guest? ([www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG3zbptpKOI)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG3zbptpKOI) Music began, high piano notes and then the lights went on again and before I saw who was playing there I heard the voice and it hit me right into my heart that I stopped breathing.

 

 

 _Love oh love_  
oh careless love  
love oh love love love love  
oh careless love

Blaine was sitting there, wearing a black suit, hair smoothed and eyes focused on the piano, half open. What the hell was he doing here? How did he know I was here? What... I shook my head and tried not to just stand up and run away, or scream at him or do... something else that was just wrong, that was too conspicuous.

  
 _You make me_  
you make me weep  
And you make me  
you make me moan  
you make me leave  
my happy home

Huh? As I calmed down and actually heard what he was singing all my anger, all the hurt, just everything went numb and silent and I swallowed each word he was singing.

  
 _Don't you never_  
drive a stranger  
from your door  
don't you never  
don't you never never never   
drive a stranger from your door  
  
It may be your sister  
or your brother  
you'll never know  
don't you never drive a stranger  
from your door

My dad and Carole were smiling, swooning arm in arm to the music and when I looked around they weren't the only one. Almost each couple smiled, moved slowly to the music and listened to the words of love. Love in all his shades, in all his colors. Love for siblings, love for a special person, what love could do. What it did... to me. There was a strange feeling crawling up my neck, making me shiver and when I looked back to the small stage I saw him and he was looking right back to me. His big golden eyes, glistening, screaming at me something I couldn't really understand and... maybe I didn't want to. All that was running through my head was, why was he here? What was he doing? Why... why was he singing for me although he was married and famous? People would know it... know everything if they noticed he was staring at me.

  
 _Careless love_  
you drove me  
through the rain and snow  
careless love  
you drove me, you drove me  
through the wind and snow  
  
You robbed me  
out of my silver  
and you robbed me  
out of my gold  
I'll be damned  
if I let you  
rob me out of my soul 

 

The crowd began to clap, to cheer as Blaine finished the song, stood up and bowed down. I heard my dad whistling, I saw Carole having tears in her eyes and then I turned back to see Blaine, smiling and looking at me. No... no way in hell I would to talk or even listen to him. Standing up, way too fast so I almost knocked the table off, I walked to the front door ignoring my dad's surprised call, ignoring everything. Awesome... so much about my fucking happy weekend.

 

* * *

 

When we were back home my dad kept on asking what was wrong with me and why I literally ran out of the restaurant. I was too upset and too tired to talk about it. All I wanted to do was sleep, wake up and keep on telling myself that this was all a dream and that it never ever happened. And I was mad at Blaine, so mad I thought about calling him and call him out. I said that I was sorry and went to my room, the basement. I was so done, so exhausted that I didn't even care if my clothes were neat and clean. They were beside my bed on the floor and I put my pajama pants and a t-shirt on, falling into my pillows and crawling under the blanket. 11 pm, fucking time to sleep I told myself and closed my eyes. However I only slept for two hours until I heard a _thud_ , another _thud_ silence for some seconds and then I heard muffled voices. Groaning I held myself up with my elbows and looked at my door. Was my dad still awake and watching something in the living room? My eyes moved to the clock on my nightstand. 1:12am. Unsure what to do I buried my head back into my pillows and decided to try to sleep but when I heard footsteps, my fathers footsteps I stopped moving and waited. Knock, knock... okay?

“Kurt?” he said my name silently as he opened the door.

“Dad... we can talk tomorrow,” I replied and pulled the blanket over my head so that my bare feet felt the cold air.

“It's not about that. There... is someone for you.”

“Send Santana away, okay? I can't believe she followed me to Lima.”

My dad sighed and walked into my room, dragging the blanket away so that the cool air hit my whole body.

“Daaad!”

“Kurt, some of your friends threw stones against my window because he thought it was your room.”

He? Stones? The fuck?

I turned around, sat and stared at my dad. Someone threw stones at his window? This happened was something for a fairytale, when someone wanted to get the attention of his princess but never ever have I heard about someone who failed on this mission. My mouth dropped open and my dad sighed: “I'm going back to sleep and you'll take care of this, got it?”

Nodding I stood up and somewhere in the back of my head I knew who it was. Only one person could do this, be male and be here. I followed him to the corridor said good night and then walked to the front door, opening it to find _him_ standing there. He looked like he was running, curls jumping out of the gel, shirt rumpled but his eyes were big, pleading and I leaned against the door, not having the strength to close it right in front of his nose. How could I? No matter how mad I was, no matter how much I didn't want to see him, he was still Blaine-adorable-crazy Anderson, the guy I loved so much I had no idea how to stop feeling like this.

When he was sure I wouldn't shut the door or yell at him his lips curled up into a tiny smile, hope flickered in his eyes and slowly he showed me his hands. Immediately my body froze, my eyes stared at his fingers and the pain I felt in the last hours didn't even come up. It faded, disappeared somewhere and relief ran through my veins. There was no ring, nothing, just his naked fingers I loved to feel on my skin. However I couldn't smile, I couldn't hope I needed... answers.

“Come in.”

I made room for him to walk inside and closed the door when he did so.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

Chapter 11. Unfair

 

 

We were sitting in the kitchen, in the middle of the night and Blaine wore one of my t-shirts and pajama pants. He actually didn't have any clothes with him. Just a small bag with his phone, purse and charging cable. No bag, nothing but this. My dad went back to sleep and I closed the door to the kitchen so that we wouldn't disturb anybody. The whole time I tried not to hope, to keep my hopes up. I tried to think about nothing and just act like nothing happened because I really wasn't in the right place to get hurt again.

“Here,” I said and handed him the mug with hot chocolate.

“Oh... thanks.”

Sitting next to him I made sure to have enough space between us so I wouldn't even try to touch him or he me. I didn't even look at him for a while until the silence between us became too hard to handle and ignore. Still, I couldn't say anything and tried to speak through my eyes. Slowly I stared at his face, saw how exhausted he actually was, saw how his usually slick hair was a mess and how his finger didn't have a ring on it. My heart screamed he didn't do it but my mind warned me that he tried to fool me or that he didn't want to wear it. So I waited and then he finally spoke.

“Your friend, Santana, can be pretty exhausting.”

Oh, so he met her and just imagining how she turned into that 'bitch' people liked to call her sometimes made me smile. Of course it was also my fault that it came this far but Santana was one of my closest friends and she would do anything for me. Even stand up in front of a rich guy like Blaine.

“I... thought about the things you said to me, Kurt. That's why I'm here.”

Oh, yeah, fucking great that he was here and left an incredible first impression towards my dad. But this was Blaine. Blaine silly Anderson who had no idea what he was doing. He was just doing things and hoped they would work out the way he wanted them to be. Like impressing me which was still the craziest thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. He tried so hard, he tried so many things that I really thought he disliked me because I was gay. It was just adorable for me how hard he tried and that it also worked out. Maybe I was just as strange as Blaine was.

“And... you were right. About everything. It's not okay to let Cyrus get through with this or let him rule over my life.”

“No, it's not right,” I agreed and he smiled because I finally said something. Although I didn't want to say anything and just listen.

“I didn't marry her, Kurt. I couldn't, knowing that I would hurt you. I think you already know that, right?”

My fingers held my mug stronger and I kept my eyes away from him and trying not to smile or show him what it did to me knowing that. I was happy, I was relieved but things were still a mess. How should I know that he didn't marry her?

“I didn't know. I avoided the news and turned my phone off. And don't tell me you did this because of me, Blaine.”

“No! I mean... yes, also. But I did it because it's the right thing to do. You just... opened my eyes. And you said you... you would go with me through this. I mean, I understand if you won't do that anymore because I of what I did and say and -”

“No, Blaine. Of course I'll help you because no matter what, for some crazy reason you matter to me. I keep my promises and care about the people I... like.”

Like, yeah. I loved this idiot and I wondered why because after everything that happened the sane decision would be to leave him and never meet him again or even talk to him. But I couldn't because I knew who Blaine Anderson really was when he stopped acting like a confused guy who tried to impress me in so many crazy ways. He gave me a small smile, clutching his own mug.

“Look. I'm sorry too. I'm not famous like you or your family are and I don't really understand what it means to be famous or how such a life looks like. I can only guess. And if I pushed you, because I'm just a wedding planner, living a life like any other 'normal' citizen who has other problems to solve, like, what do I watch this evening or what do I eat for lunch, I'm really sorry.”

For me life was easy. I had my job and my private life and that's it. I had my friends I would visit from time to time, go out with them but I didn't have to travel a lot, give interviews or sign autographs or meet famous people and make deals or connections – well that's what I gathered from Rachel's life so far.

“You did nothing wrong, Kurt. You just stay true to yourself and focus on what truly matters and what not,” he said and I looked at him, watching his almost sad expression and, okay, this was new: “Once you are part of this business, being famous and always in the sight of so many eyes you have to play a role, no matter if you like it or not. My role is to be the good son of my parents and avoid any drama. You know, my parents became really famous while Cyrus and I were together and he helped them but we never were in the focus of the media. We didn't want that. Not because I was gay but because we wanted a normal life. We met at my parents fashion house for the first time and got together a bit later. The first two years were fine, really. I finished my studies like he did and we began to work for my parents. I wrote some articles for my parents. I thought about getting a real job but I have enough money, so... god I sound like a spoiled child.”

He groaned and ran a hand over his face, showing that he didn't want to make the wrong impression.

“It's fine, I understand. Go on.”

“Well, like I said it was like this for two years and then we got engaged. He went with my parents to all those events and parties and they were working on some new designs and stuff, I really have no idea about that because I stopped writing for my parents at that time and was busy with opening my own bar because I love to sing and dance. Which was probably the wrong decision because after a while he came to me and told me how he wanted us to be public. He wanted to get the same attention my parents got and become famous himself. I was against it and we began to fight.”

I saw how it didn't hurt him what happened in the past but I saw the regret he felt that things turned out like this. So much regret I had no idea about. He took a deep breath and than looked back at me.

“First I tried to figure stuff out with him but he didn't want to listen. I had no idea why he changed his mind until later my dad told me that the upcoming spring, summer and autumn collection was mainly designed by Cyrus. I understood why he wanted people to know him but I didn't want to be a part of it. I didn't want to be a public person. We were fighting over this for weeks and then I told him I can't be with him anymore and then everything became a mess. He was fighting with my parents, with me and about the fashion. You know, he is a part of it but it still belongs to my parents. Then he began to threat us and we tried to find a solution and he even sold a story about our break up to a magazine.”

Oh that, I remembered that.

“He wanted to ruin everything and he knows people who have a lot of influence when it's about media. My parents paid the publisher to take the story about us back and then we tried to talk with Cyrus once again. He wasn't mad at my parents and he didn't even care about the fashion because he would get money anyway from my parents, it was part of their agreement but he wanted me to make a deal with him and he wouldn't spread shit about my parents. The deal was making a girl to fall in love with me and marry her. I... couldn't do that for real and then I met Rachel and because Rachel is famous and I wanted to make it believable and we went public. Well, now it's just a mess.”

I looked away from Blaine and took a sip from my mug, thinking about what Blaine just had told me. He truly wasn't lying when he said what Cyrus could do and I didn't even try to question what he told me. Blaine knew better than anyone that if he lied to me, one more time, I wouldn't even want to be his friend anymore. He knew he was walking on thin ice.

“Did you hear anything from him?”

“No,” Blaine breathed: “I just... we were about to get married and right before everything began I went to Rachel and told her I couldn't do that and she understood and told me to come here. My dad called me, he was furious but he also understood why I couldn't do that. It wasn't right. From the beginning it wasn't right.”

“So... are you telling me you didn't marry her because of me?” I couldn't hide the small smile and it did what I hope it would do. Blaine's shoulders fell, he looked up completely loose and smiled at me.

“Please, don't tell me you did this for me.”

Blaine smiled with hooded eyes and said: “I did this because you opened my eyes. I did this because it is right. It's not fair from me to expect you to wait and it's not right to let him do this to me. But-”

And there went his smile and he looked at me unsure, almost afraid: “You'll be there for me, right?”

Oh, yes, I told him I would go with him through this. I told him that I would be there and fight with him. It was just things had changed for me. Not my feelings, of course not they kept on annoying me and making me fall over and over again for him. Yet I wasn't ready to go back where we were. Just because he said it now, just because he wanted to fight didn't mean that he would hold on until his ex would stop doing this stupid stuff. Blaine showed me that he liked me, he showed me that he felt something for me but he also showed me how easy it was for other people to rule over his life. This made me so terribly unsure that I couldn't go back to where we were.

“Blaine... I really like you. Really and I'll be there for you as a friend. Just a friend.”

I saw it how all his hope just broke for a second and he stopped breathing and I would lie when I had said that I didn't feel any hope. Because I was hoping, I really was. There was something Blaine had that made it almost impossible for me to not want to be with him, something I couldn't understand and something that felt good but not perfect. This wasn't just hard for him it was also hard for me because I really wished I could just accept this what he did for me and fall back into his arms and start for real to be with him. But I would never be happy when I didn't know if he could stand up for himself or for me and I needed to know if he kept his promises, if he could do that. The last thing I really needed was someone who would let me down, again.

“Perhaps that's all I deserve after what I did to you,” he said trying to smile.

“You deserve the best, Blaine. We all do but... I need time, okay? I said as a friend and with that I meant for now not forever. Okay?”

And he smiled at me, his wide goofy smile. Fucking Anderson being this charming guy I really liked to see made it even harder to resist.

 

* * *

 

 

I woke up pretty late the next day by the sound of Blaine's voice from the kitchen. A voice that was anything but quiet or happy. Before we went to sleep I let him sleep in the guestroom just to make it pretty clear that I wasn't ready for anything else and also because of my dad. Not that he had said a thing about me taking a guy into my bed – I mean I was 25 – but I didn't want to give Blaine some false hope or any wrong intentions towards my dad and Carole. Slowly I stood up, left my room and walked to the kitchen to find my dad there and Blaine who looked like he was about to pass out. His eyes were wide, his hand holding his phone too strong and he groaned, rolled his eyes and said: “No, dad, seriously. Don't call him, don't do anything. Just wait, okay? No- dad no- god... I dated him, alright? I know him. He won't do anything.”

I looked at my dad who only shrugged and moved his eyes back to Blaine, watching him as he rubbed his forehead and listening to his dad on the other end of the phone.

“Yes, I'm sure. We never said I had to actually marry someone. All we agreed on was that a girl should fall in love with me and wanted to marry me, so calm down, okay?”

I watched Blaine nodding three times and then he said his good bye and ended the call.

“You okay, kid?”

“Yeah... yes, sir. My dad is just worried.”

Okay? So, Blaine knew that my dad knew it and they were having breakfast together, judging by the plates and mugs and food on the table? Was this still a dream or did I miss something?

“Good morning, Kurt,” Blaine smiled at me and damn, his bed hair, his curls, the pajamas he wore a bit too large for his tiny body made me almost blush because he was so adorable.

“Morning,” I mumbled and walked inside taking a mug out of the cupboard and poured some coffee into it.

“How is it going?” I asked and turned around, watching them and, damn, I really liked what I saw there. My dad and the crazy guy I loved sitting together and eating breakfast like it was something they've been doing for years now. Like Blaine never was anything else but a part of my family and I really wondered what happened while I was sleeping because, my dad had a huge heart, yes, but he was also pretty careful with the guys I brought home. Especially none of them ever greeted my dad like Blaine did it last night.

“The media is running into our fashion house but no sign from my ex, which is... good I guess. Rachel said she would take care of everything until I come back.”

“And when do you plan to go back?” not that I had something against it that Blaine would stay a while longer with us but-

“Kurt, if it's okay with you I told Blaine that he could stay here and go back with you. I think you both could need a break from all this mess over there,” my dad said and I stared at him clearly surprised and, I couldn't help myself but think that this was somehow suspicious. But he just smiled at me and Blaine made those big-hoping-puppy-eyes. The fuck did I miss when I was sleeping?

“Are you two bros now or what did I miss?”

Dad laughed and Blaine chuckled and both made me pretty angry because I didn't like it to stay in the shadow and know nothing. Eventually this was my dad, my home and I really wanted to know what the hell was going on, thank you very much.

“We had just a talk, that's all. Now, son, sit down and eat something.”

My dad left the kitchen and it was only Blaine and me – Carole was working at the hospital. After breakfast we went to the living room and decided to watch a movie because we both really didn't want see any news, especially nothing about the wedding or the Berrys and Andersons. We both just wanted to relax and think about nothing. As soon as we were back in New York we would have to face it all anyway and, maybe, it was even a good idea to spent some days alone with Blaine. Doing nothing but wearing our pajamas and watch some silly movies or just talk.

 

But we didn't really talk until Wednesday evening. All I did was watching him and spending time with him, no hugs, no kisses, and just words like 'can you give me the the this' or Monday morning we went to buy him some clothes because he had none with him. I watched him helping my dad in the garage or helping Carole cooking and saw how both of them really liked him. Of course they did. Not liking Blaine Anderson was like hating kittens or puppies and when he stopped acting like a confused, crazy guy he was a lovely, charming, smart, and helpful man and I also noticed how he gave me those looks, those hoping looks I would change my mind but he never asked and he never pushed me. Eventually, I couldn't stand the silence between us anymore and asked him if we wanted to go out and take a walk together. Blaine smiled at me, this huge, happy smile which made his honey eyes look like gold and him like a five year old. He always looked so young when he smiled that way, wearing one of those bow ties and – this time – curly hair. We put our jackets on and left the house when it was already dark outside.

We just walked down the street, watching the houses and families having dinner and it felt really good to be out, breathing in the air that told me autumn was close.

“Any plans when we go back?” I asked after a long time of just silence and looked at him.

“Actually, yes. I thought about going back to journalism and find a job there. Nothing big just writing some articles, recaps or whatever. I really enjoy that, chasing after stories, good stories and write them down and share it with the world. What about you?” he smiled.

“I've got the payment for the wedding so I guess after I organized everything and talked with Santana and Mercedes I take a long break and go to Europe.”

Blaine nodded slowly, his smile still on his face but becoming smaller and I knew maybe it was unfair from me to go away and leave him here. Well, it was unfair because I told him I would be there for him and who knew how long it would take until Cyrus called him or did whatever his crazy mind told him to do.

“Not now, of course. I told you I'll be there and help you. Europe won't run away from me.” To be completely honest, after Blaine said to me that he would go with me there I really wanted him to go with me. This idea made me so happy and like we could both enjoy the same things and maybe look together for a nice place where we could spent our summer vacation together. It was so easy to imagine all those things that I really began to dislike my mind and heart. Peter was a lot like Blaine, charming, smart and with a huge heart but those were only things he wanted me to see and I fell for it, pretty hard. I always knew something was there, something was strange and didn't fit but I refused to believe it was true. All I wanted was to just love him and get love in return and forget my awful years at high school, forget how people told me I would never be more than a gay kid and treated like that. I would never find love. When I was young those words really hurt and made me almost lose all hope but even I grew up, left fucking Ohio and came here where I saw life wasn't that bad and that people were able to love me and accept me and were like me. Sure I had my family and my had friends at Glee club but it wasn't the same like having a partner or people who were really like me.

“You are too nice, Kurt. I really don't deserve this.”

“Blaine, stop that. I told you, everyone deserves the best and I won't treat people bad just because they are assholes. If I do that I'll give them what they want. They all get what they deserve sooner or later.”

I really believed in that because I saw it happening. All these horrible years at high school looked almost like a bad dream compared to the life I had after I opened my own agency. It was fine, everything was fine and I slowly became a well known wedding planner. This story with Peter was probably just bad luck or me being too blind to see the truth. Anyway, it happened, it was done and now it was just an experience I made.

“Tell me about your life, Kurt. I saw some pictures of you being young and in Glee club? I was in a Glee club too, you know.”

“Oh, really?” I smiled at him and wow, this was really interesting. I told him about my high school years, about my mother, how I came out and also about the bullies. But when Blaine told me about his high school years, about how he had troubles with his parents and the Sadie Hawkins night I was really shocked. How little I knew and how much sorry I felt for him that he had to go through this. Luckily this never happened to me. Of course what I went through was just bad but I never ever someone beat the crap out of me for who I was. So, when he told me how he went to Dalton and basically ran away from everything it made sense to me why he didn't want to fight against Cyrus. A person who always took the easy way to avoid any trouble would do it all the time and somehow I couldn't blame him but at the same time I was incredibly proud that, this time, he chose to not run away. Who knew how much strength it took Blaine to do that. I didn't knew how much I probably meant to him that he let all his walls fall down and go against this guy who could ruin everything. Yes, my idea about who Blaine Anderson was changed pretty much by hearing his story.

“So, then you came here and knew you wanted to become a wedding planner?”

“Not really. I tried different things out, acting, singing but I always ended up in planning events and I really love fashion and weddings so, I somehow ended up there and I really love my job.”

We sat walked to a small shop and bought two cups of coffee and sat down on a bench, watching some people doing the last grocery shopping.

“And... what about that someone who hurt you?” he asked slowly, unsure if it was the right time or even if it was okay to ask. It was okay. Frankly it was only fair to ask that after everything I knew about him and fair because then he would understand me and I wanted him to understand me. I really wanted him to. But I hesitated, trying to ignore all the memories that suddenly came back and keep calm. The last time I talked about this felt like years ago although we only broke up more than a year ago.

“His name was Peter and we met at a wedding I was planning. It was actually my first wedding I was planning. He was a set designer and helped me to become even better. I was twenty two years old when we met. We exchanged numbers and met each other from time to time until he asked me out for a date and he was really nice, smart, charming, a lot like you are.” Blaine blinked, raised his eyebrows and I saw that he really didn't want to be compared to this guy who hurt me. No, who would want that? So I chuckled, shook my head and sighed: “Not like that, Blaine, don't worry. So we were dating for almost two years and it was really a good time with him. It was easy to be around him, having someone there who could help me and also understand me. I mean, I had some relationships before Peter but it never got as serious as with him. So, after two years he asked me to marry him and I said yes because it was like- it was perfect or I thought it was. We actually planned our wedding at the boathouse where you and Rachel wanted to celebrate.”

“Oh,” Blaine breathed and held his cup with both his hands and looked down, showing me how guilty he felt. Yes, this day wasn't really good for me. Being there hurt, coming out as gay to Blaine hurt and planning a wedding again there hurt. But I was professional and didn't want to avoid places and risk my job just because I had bad memories there.

“But the closer the wedding came the more nervous he became and then angry and we just- I don't really know because the day before the wedding he was just the Peter I knew. We were fighting for weeks, avoiding each other, only communicating through notes and I really had my doubts, I really wanted to cancel this wedding. But he was always like, no, Kurt, no I want to marry you. And I wanted it too. I wanted to get what any other straight couple already had. I wanted to marry someone, to be a husband and I completely ignored how we broke apart. And then, the day of the wedding he didn't come. I stood there with all our friends, with all the people, decoration, with everything. I stood there in the middle of my wedding dream and he never came.”

Oh it was like a dream, like a good dream at first. Everything was the way I planned it to be. The flowers, the suits, the decoration, the food, just everything. This dream broke into a million pieces because Peter never came. Back then it hurt and I shut myself down, avoiding everything, stopped working and just stayed at home for weeks drowning in the misery my life was. It hurt so bad to be rejected, to be left alone and I still wondered how I came out of this black hole.

“Santana and my other friends dragged me out of this misery and helped me to be human again, because I was anything but human. I was a mess, my apartment was a mess and all I did was eating ice cream and watching some bad TV shows.”

It felt kind of good to talk about it because I noticed how it didn't hurt me anymore. Sure it had some influence on me it made me more careful about what I wanted to do and what should do. Somehow thinking about it now it was like Blaine was like Peter at the beginning. He wasn't carrying about anything, not the wedding, not what people thought about him or how he treated people until I figured out this wasn't Blaine, this was just someone who was just as confused about what was right and wrong like I was. Now all the layers he wore fell down and I saw the real Blaine Anderson, day by day especially in the past days when he helped my dad and Carole and looked more relaxed, more comfortable with who he was and what he did.

“I think I know what you mean by I'm a lot like him. But I hope you know I'm not like I was when we first met and the following weeks.”

We shared a short glimpse then I looked back to the street, watching some cars drive by, hearing a girl speaking about some dress she saw and her boyfriend only nodded making face like he really didn't understand what she said but he listened anyway.

“I know and I hope you know why I don't want to jump into something that probably won't work out anyway.”

“Don't you think this is a bit unfair?” he asked and I turned my head, staring at him and there was no smile, just wide eyes and concern in his face. This was... new. Like really. Blaine never looked at me that way and somehow it made my heart beat faster and see something else. A new part of Blaine Anderson I didn't know yet.

“What he did to you was wrong and cowardly. But it's not fair from you to think everyone would do that. I understand that you want to protect yourself and not get hurt again but we all have to go through disappointment and pain. I know what it means to be engaged, to promise something, Cyrus and I did the same like you and Peter. It's a big deal, I know but it's unfair to shut yourself down and not try it again.”

Blaine eyed his cup again and ran his fingers over the rim: “I learned a lot while I was together with him and I'm sure this won't happen to me again. I know you would never do what he did to me. Of course I could always be wrong, of course it could happen again but... I understand that life is not about how you avoid things that maybe hurt you. Life is about taking chances and try and if we fall we'll stand up again and one day we'll learn from the mistakes and notice what is right and wrong before we fall into it. But more importantly, we are not alone with our issues. We have friends and people who understand us and help us.”

It took me a lot to not just lean over and kiss him, tell him yes, this was right and yes I felt the same way, I wanted him to think that way and be proud about him and how he changed. What he said, how he looked at me, how he just sat there and said all those things showed me just how much he understood and how much he changed. And it felt right, it felt like something I should grab and never let go. So I nodded slowly, realizing that this time it was Blaine who was right, who opened even my eyes and let those dark thoughts I took with me for such a long time look really like just a memory. Something that happened and would never happen again.

“It's like I'm going through the same thing like with Peter. But this time it's the other way around.”

“You mean I turn from a frog into a prince?”

We both chuckled and I couldn't stop smiling: “You can say that, yes.”

“Good,” he breathed and his eyes were warm, shining and his expression softening. I knew what this meant, I knew this face and I really didn't want to ruin anything but I wanted to be honest with him. No more hiding, no more lies.

“Blaine, just because we are on the right track or something doesn't mean I-”

“No, I know. It's fine. I understand that things are still complicated and we are still here not in New York and don't know what will happen when we go back. So it's fine, I won't push you.”

“Thanks,” I whispered and we stood up, walking back to my house.

I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do, to wait. Sometimes waiting leaded to regret because while people were waiting for something to happen they could lose a lot of things during that time and in the end they wouldn't get what they've waited for. I knew that and somehow I felt the need to just take his hand and start with him, start with him going through this not as friends but more. Then, though, my heart told me to not do that, to wait because it would work out anyway. And I really wanted to listen to my heart and not my mind, which was anything but a mess.

 

* * *

 

It was Thursday morning and I woke up pretty soon to pack my stuff and spend the last day with my family and with Blaine. We wanted to cook together, watch a movie together and talk for hours about all the things that had happened while we didn't see each other. Blaine was with me in my room, packing his stuff together with mine because he had no bag or anything and it gave me this domestic feeling. Like we were packing our stuff to go to the vacation we were planning for months now, then go to the kitchen and drink our morning coffee and eat breakfast together and I would steal some of his eggs and eat them while he would pout at me and – Jesus – those dreams hit me really bad and made things harder. I really missed kissing him or cuddling with him and fall asleep while my head rested on his chest. No matter that everything around was a mess when we begin to see each other, to be something like boyfriends and how much shame I felt because I thought I would betray my friend- being close to him, listening to his heartbeat, feeling his warm body was my safe place. It was like we were meant to be, like his body was build for mine to fall into a beautiful deep sleep without being afraid of anything. Yes, there were many things I really enjoyed and loved when we were alone and forgot what happened around us. Maybe it was the real thing and I still needed to truly understand it, or maybe it was just my mind playing with me because I really missed being close to someone.

“Kurt! Santana on the phone for you!” I heard my dad calling and groaned.

“Tell her I'll be back tomorrow.”

I heard him walking to my room until I saw him and – woah okay – he looked really serious and almost worried. Without another word I took the phone out of his hand and held it close to my ear, unsure if she would yell at me or not and I really didn't need to hear her screaming so close to my ear.

“Santana?”

“Kurt! You need to come back! Right! Now!” she was hysterical, I could hear her footsteps how she was walking around, fast, breathing almost too heavy and okay, I understood why my dad made this face.

“Hey, calm down. What happened?”

“The agency, Kurt! They want to close our fucking agency and we'll lose our jobs!”

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

Chapter 12. Losing

 

It was impossible. What Santana told me was just impossible and I really tried to tell myself this was a bad dream, a bad joke and when I would be back in my agency everything would be like it used to be. They would sit at their workplaces, give me some letters, new appointments, new orders and I would start to make all the calls, organize things, meet people and follow my usual day at work. But she wasn't joking, she wasn't making things up. The moment I checked turned on my phone I saw all the missed calls, messages and e-mails. Most of them were from Santana and Mercedes, telling me how some people came to them saying they need to close the agency because we weren't paying for the rent, we weren't paying for the electricity all kind of this stuff which was wrong and impossible. I never lost control over stuff like that, never.

“You are sure you paid everything, Kurt?” my dad asked when we left the car and I stared at him with disbelieve.

“Of course! You know I'm not like that!” uh... okay that was unfair to almost yell at my dad: “Sorry. I just don't understand. This is a huge misunderstanding. It must be a misunderstanding.”

It made no sense, not at all. Maybe someone of my employes made a mistake? No, they were all good at their job, always making sure things got paid and out in time. Nope, no one of them would have done such a huge mistake.

“Listen, kid. If you need anything call me, got it?”

“Yeah, of course. Thanks dad,” I answered and hugged him, whispering again how sorry I was for snapping at him and then Blaine and I went inside the airport. He was pretty quiet, lost in his thoughts which were – judging by his face – unpleasant thoughts. After Santana's call he said nothing just kept on being quiet and always giving me those scared and worried looks. We checked in, walked to the plane and when we arrived in New York I got more and more impatient. While I was waiting for my suit case Blaine was at the entrance waiting for Santana but what I saw there happening literally blew my mind. There were people, people with cameras, people with microphones and I wondered how the hell they knew, that Blaine was here. Because they were around him, making it hard to walk like some hungry animals and asking him stuff all seven people at the same time, shooting pictures and Blaine covered his face trying to pass them by. I? I was unsure if I should join him or just ignore it and leave the airport. I wasn't sure which impact it would have if I was standing beside him and I sure as hell didn't want to face all those people. But more than that I didn't want to leave him alone. Taking my stuff I walked with fast steps right into the small crowd of people, ignoring the lights of the cameras, ignoring the annoying voices and grabbed Blaine's arm and dragged him out of this sea of voices. Outside I still could hear them, their voices and steps following us and then I saw Santana who opened the car door and Blaine climbed inside, taking my stuff with him on the back seat and I climbed into the seat next to Santana who started the engine and drove away.

“You okay?” I turned around, making sure Blaine was alright and he nodded with an exhausted face.

“I saw them already there and waited here for you guys,” said Santana: “You know how crazy those people can get.”

“Thanks, Santana,” Blaine said and she smiled at him looking through the rearview mirror.

“No need to, hobbit.”

“What about the agency?” I asked and really couldn't care less about the stupid journalist and paparazzi or whoever was there at the airport.

“I checked everything and we did nothing wrong. Nothing. We paid everything like we usually do but they have some ass papers that say something different. Oh and this morning we got another letter saying we were doing some dirty business in our agency.”

“What!? What kind of dirty business!?”

Santana stopped, waiting for the light to turn.

“I have no idea. They wouldn't tell me shit. They said they wanted to talk to you, the boss.”

Dirty business? Me and dirty business? Like what? Dealing with drugs? Creating fake weddings – not that that was something you could get blamed for when you have no idea though – or what did they understand under the term 'dirty business'?

“They'll be there around three so be prepared, Kurt.”

“What? Today?!”

Santana nodded and I slumped down further into my seat, pressing my fingers against my forehead and groaned. It was just 11am so I had 4 hours to check everything and make sure I did everything right, that there was no dirty business going on in my own workplace. All the people, Mercedes, Finn, they all had my trust, they all were nice to me and, okay, sometimes I had my moods and days when I treated them like shit but also they had those days. Yet we did come along over the two years I was the boss. My last boss gave it to me although I was young, although I was still not as good as he was but he trusted me and I took everything seriously and made sure to be on the right side, to make no mistake, to not forget anything.

“Where should I let you out, hobbit?”

“Uh... I- I thought maybe Kurt needs me there?”

Oh, yeah, Blaine was with us which I almost forgot and somehow knowing that he was there, that he would be right next to me did something with me I couldn't really tell what it was. But it made me calm, not entirely but it made everything somehow more bearable. Not to mention that I promised him to be there for him and help him through this and letting him out at his place or wherever was a bad idea. They probably knew where to find him, where Blaine lived and we both wanted to avoid this.

Sitting straight again I turned around and looked at him seeing how unsure he was and how he swallowed because he had no idea if this was okay or not. This made him look so young, so adorable that I couldn't help myself but smile.

“I want to be there for you too, Kurt. You know I would do the same for you.”

“I know,” of course I knew it. I freaking knew that he was serious, that he was sorry for what he did. I mean they only show this stuff in movies, in romantic movies how one of a couple chases after the other no matter how far they go just to get them back and yes, I thought this was only something that happened in movies. But Blaine did it. He jumped into the next flight and followed me to tell me he wasn't married, to show me that he really was serious about us. Maybe this dirty business stuff was just the joke of this movie I was living in.

“Please, you can fuck each other at your place, Hummel,” Santana sighed and Blaine chuckled while I glared at her.

 

* * *

 

“Kurt!” Mercedes jumped when he entered his office and pulled him into a tight hug, babbling stuff about the guys that were there days ago, how worried she was and how happy she is to see him.

“Don't worry 'Cedes. There is nothing we did wrong,” I told her and we began to check all the papers together and after three hours we found out what I already knew. All taxes were paid, each thing I had to pay for was paid and I even checked my list of employes to make sure they were all legal, all old enough to work and what else was necessary to have a clean business.

“What about the papers they showed you, Santana?”

She opened her bag and pulled them out, three sheets of paper and I literally grabbed them out of her hand and began to read. There was written I had three clandestine employees. I had... what!?

“That's bullshit. That's not true!”

“I know it's not, don't yell at me,” Santana said.

Clandestine employe? Like who? Maybe there was someone angry with me because I fired him or her last year and tried to drag me into some shit? Or maybe this was all just a misunderstanding because I would never have a clandestine employe, never.

“And they say I haven't paid my taxes from... five years ago? I wasn't even the boss here and I know Howard always paid the taxes and everything else.” Howard showed me everything, taught me everything and he ran this business with all his heart and so did I. This must be a misunderstanding or some bad joke it couldn't be anything else. Mercedes and Santana flipped through the papers, scanning everything with their eyes and I looked up at Blaine to see him biting his lower lip while he stared down at the floor. This was a new expression I haven't seen on him yet. He looked like he knew something – which of course couldn't be the case because he would never do that – but at the same time he looked like he blamed himself for it. Or maybe it was just me misinterpreting this expression and he only tried to figure something out to help me.

“I guess we just have to wait for those assholes and you'll see and hear it what they actually have against us,” Santana sighed and closed the folder.

There was the thing with life. Whenever I thought things wouldn't change they did and often it happened suddenly. Like when Peter didn't come to our wedding, like how I began to work again or how I met Blaine and now I was here, fighting to keep my own workplace and dealing with all these stupid allegations that weren't true.

Someone played a sick game with me. Someone thought this was incredible funny. But it was not and I was truly thinking about to call my lawyer because this was serious.

 

Santana and Mercedes left the room after I told them that I wanted to be alone with those guys as soon as they would show up and with worried eyes and with some hesitation they finally left my office, until it was only me and Blaine standing at the door which the other two just used to go out. I met Blaine in June, I knew Blaine for almost four months and it was crazy that I knew him for such a short time. It felt longer, like years but it only took 4 months and all I needed was to see his face and it took me back to earth away from all the mess in my head. Maybe because we both drew this new line we wanted to follow. A pure white line without lies, without wearing a mask, without running away from the things we used to and follow this line together and walk over all the stones on our way together. I almost chuckled because of my own thoughts. It sounded like we were engaged or married or something but we weren't. We both were just willing to get to know each other without pretending something and – to be honest – I might have started this whole 'boyfriend' thing just yesterday. We both knew there was something special between us, something you only get one in a life time but we also didn't want to rush into things. So all I did is smiling and watching his beautiful honey eyes. There was sunlight in them, there was a small hint of green, summer and autumn in one pair of eyes and, oh, what would I have given to fall asleep while staring into those eyes and wake up to them again.

“You can stay at my place, if you want to,” I said it without even thinking about what I just said. Ugh, yeah this happens when I couldn't separate my daydreams from reality and Blaine had always been a wonderful daydream for me.

“You know... because of the press and stuff.”

“You want me to stay with you?”

Okay? This was new. Within two days Blaine learned from my words and it was all over his face. Days ago he was insecure, defending himself, giving excuses for the mess he was living in and being someone he didn't want to be. But this here wasn't that Blaine anymore and I really, really liked it. He looked sure, he looked confident, like he exactly knew what he wanted and he was challenging me. Blaine was actually asking things and making sure he wasn't running into something that we both maybe would regret in the end. It really felt like I was going back. Not to someone I used to be but to a place I missed a lot. A place where I was happy and thinking how wonderful it was to have someone with you. Someone who wanted you in a way no friend, no family member could have you. In a way only someone who loved you wanted you. Well, of course I didn't know about that if he loved me or if I loved him but... it felt like that. It felt like I was back at that place I was able to love someone, to give and take love. Still I didn't want to rush things.

“Yes,” I breathed and Blaine gave me this goofy grin and I rolled my eyes. Oh, so Blaine could be a silly love sick puppy, yes? Be more adorable, Anderson.

“Here,” I pulled my keys out of my pocket: “I'll be back as soon as I can. Ask Finn to drive you because I doubt you are safe when you take a cab.”

Blaine nodded and left the room. Actually I should have been thinking about the guys which were about to be here in some minutes but all I could think about was how Blaine would wait for me in my apartment. I would open my door, calling that I was home and he would greet me and maybe made something to eat for us. This domestic feeling was raining down on me so heavy, so fast I needed to take two deep breathes to calm my pounding heart down. I already knew this feeling because Peter and I used to live together. Was it happiness? Or maybe I was scared? Because this was not like years ago. This was new, this was different. Blaine was not my boyfriend, not yet but it still took my breath away thinking he was there. Sometimes sanity was a bad thing because it kept me away from all the things I knew would make me happy somehow, someday. But just because Blaine was now sure about what he wanted and ready to stand up for himself didn't mean he would do that tomorrow too. Not when a person is used to run away for years.

A knock against my door dragged me out of my thoughts and Santana peeked her head inside.

“They are here.”

 

* * *

 

Fucking rain. Why was it fucking raining? And why the hell didn't I have an umbrella with me?! Oh! And why did I have this fucking great idea of  _walking_ home instead of taking a cab? Ah, yeah, how could I forget it. Because I just lost my dream. Well, I didn't really lose my dream but I had to wait at least two more years until my dream would become true. Unless some rich people asked me to plan their wedding and pay a pretty good amount of money. It wasn't impossible because people knew me but I wasn't exactly popular. Not after the Berry/Anderson fiasco. The wedding never happened and people knew I was planning it but so far I've heard nothing from other wedding planners or read something in magazines about my agency. So I couldn't tell if it was good publicity or not. But this rain was annoying me, like really although I tried to look at the positive parts in this mess. I still had my job, I still had my agency and all the people who were working for and with me still had their jobs. All it took was to give up my dream for a while. But the reason why was just stupid. Fucking stupid and unbelievable. As I reached the front door to my apartment I was soaked, tired and grumbled nonsense while I walked to the elevator. Reaching the 21 th floor I took my other pair of keys and opened the door to... wow. I knew this smell. Cookies! Oh, and yes there was someone waiting for me. Someone special and... what? I heard more than one voice. 

“I'm back!” I called and heard fast steps coming closer and Blaine smiled at me when he saw me walking inside, closing the door and then his smile faded when he saw how soaked I was. 

“Hey... you are... where you walking?”

“Um... yes. I needed a walk but the rain surprised me.”

He went to my bathroom and came back with a towel handing it to me so I could rub my hair dry. 

“Rachel's here and Finn. They wanted to see us and tell me what happened. I hope it's okay I let them in.”

“Yeah, sure,” I mumbled and really needed to get out of this soaked clothes: “I just change into something more comfortable.”

Blaine nodded but didn't make a move and kept on watching me like he tried to figure out how things went. 

“Later, okay?”

“Okay,” said Blaine and his shoulders slumped down. 

15 minutes later I walked to the living room Rachel and Finn giving me wide looks and Blaine still trying to read my face while he sat there in a hoodie and sweatpants. What was the thing with Blaine Anderson and being always this adorable? 

“Hey guys,” I said and sat down next to Blaine, sighing and this wasn't exactly how I planned my evening with him. Frankly, I didn't quiet plan anything at all. Just the thought that he was here waiting for me and we would spent the night together – not that I wanted to do anything that includes us being naked – but just a nice evening maybe watching a movie and just forget all of this for a while. 

“Hey bro!”

“How are you, Kurt? Blaine told us about what happened at your agency.”

“I'm fine. Everything is fine. I'm just exhausted,” I answered and seriously she didn't need to know what happened. No one needed to know what exactly happened. 

“So we aren't jobless?” Finn asked.

“Nope. Everything is like it should be. But I'm thinking we should all take a little break. A week or something and the end of October.”

I saw Finn smiling and how he left us and probably imagined what he could do with his week off. 

“What about you guys? Anything new?”

“After Blaine left,” Rachel began with a warning voice and I felt Blaine tensing up next to me – they probably had a little argument while I was gone: “I explained that it was a mutual thing we agreed on because it didn't feel right. But our fashion lines still will work together. My dads are fine but Blaine's parents are going crazy because they haven't heard anything yet.”

“You mean his crazy ex didn't show up yet?” 

It surprised me to be honest. Of course the press was literally haunting them but not hearing from Cyrus although I knew a bit about him and could tell that this guy was crazy and wouldn't let this go easily. So it was no real surprise that Blaine's parents were nervous and going crazy because each day meant could be the day they get a call from Cyrus or his lawyer or whoever and maybe lose a lot. A whole collection of clothes and get blamed for stealing someones ideas. Kurt was pretty sure that Cyrus could blame them for that regardless. 

“Yes.”

“That's Cyrus way of dealing with things. He waits. He waits and observes and then... usually he acts,” Blaine explains but it sounded more like he tried to convince himself that he was right. 

“But... don't worry Rachel. He won't be after you or your dads. He will contact me or my father sooner or later.”

“And what about the media? I thought about giving another statement, together,” she said it like Blaine owed it to her and as I looked at Blaine and saw the small nod I noticed something else about Blaine Anderson. He wasn't just adorable and trying to get the control over his life. He was also willing to fix the lives he changed and he changed Rachel's life for some months although they both agreed on that. Because of his lack on being brave and face problems he took Rachel's help and made her break up with her long time boyfriend. Because of him they both pretended to be something they never were. Of course it wasn't entirely Blaine's fault. Not at all because she agreed on that and wanted to help him. But still, if he hadn't done what he did nothing of that had ever happened. And – I swallowed hard – maybe we had never met? Oh, okay... maybe it wasn't so stupid that he ran away from his problems. Ugh, I groaned and rubbed my eyes because my mind was such a fucking mess I wanted to stop thinking. 

“Maybe you two should go. It's been a long day for us all,” Blaine said and stood up, shooing them out – although Rachel protested and Blaine promised to call her and his parents tomorrow - of my apartment and I was more than thankful that he noticed how tired I was. 

When the door closed and we both were alone I sank deeper into my couch and didn't care how I looked or how I laid there. My body hurt, each bone and muscle and all I wanted was sleeping. 

“I made you cookies if you want some.”

“I'm not really hungry but thank you. That's... sweet.”

Uh... ugh... hopefully he didn't take that the wrong way. But he only smiled and came back to me with two mugs of hot chocolate. Sitting next to me he took a sip of it and smiled so calm, so beautiful although we both knew something big was coming or... was already there. Like those idiots at my agency who blamed me for not paying my taxes, for having undocumented workers. Two really creepy men with a letter that they were allowed to close my agency if I didn't pay them 100.000 dollars. Which I had. The money I got for Blaine's and Rachel's wedding. Now it was gone and my dream too. Right now it felt like the worst thing that has ever happened to me but I also knew it was the right thing to do. I've been waiting for my dream to come true for a while now and I could wait another while even if it meant two more years. For now I still had a job, still was allowed to plan weddings and my workers still had a job they enjoyed. They still could pay their rent, feed their families and didn't have to worry about money. That was more important than my dream coming true. Sighing I sat up and took my mug, taking a sip and humming with pleasure because this was good, really good and warmed me up. 

“That's excellent!”

“My mom used to make me some hot chocolate when I was tired or upset.”

Oh, yeah. It was surprising for me that he didn't ask me what happened or what the result was. Well, he knew I still had my job but I was sure he wanted to know the details. 

“You aren't curious about what happened?”

Slowly Blaine turned his head, eyebrows raised and nodded slowly: “I do want to know. But I see how exhausted you are. So it can wait until tomorrow.”

So he wasn't only adorable, smart and mature. He was also helpful, knew what sympathy meant and how it worked and it was like with each passing hour we spent together I figured more and more out just why I couldn't stop feeling the way I felt for him. This couldn't be wrong, right?

“Speaking of tomorrow. You're probably tired and need sleep more than anything right now.”

Uh, yeah I was tired but it wasn't only sleep what I needed. Usually when stuff like that happened I had someone with me. May it be my dad or a friend or a guy I really, really liked. Right now I really needed sleep and someone close and maybe it was not the right time but I didn't care.

He stood up took a blanket and a pillow from the armchair – well he knew my apartment and where everything was – and walked back to me while I stared at him with wide eyes and my mouth slightly open. 

“What?” he asked and chuckled because I for sure made a funny face.

“You are not sleeping on the couch.”

“Uh... then where?”

“Blaine,” I sighed in annoyance and rolled my eyes: “I have a huge bed. Big enough for three people and it's far more comfy than this couch.”

“I... I thought we aren't... I thought we are not ready for this.”

“I'm not talking about sex I just... I mean we aren't boyfriends or something... but... I mean,” damn, no rush, I told myself, no rush you have to wait before you go any further: “I just don't want to be alone tonight, okay? And like I said this couch isn't as comfy as my bed. It's not only me who needs a lot of good sleep.” Good sleep was only possible with him next to me, no matter how hard I tried to deny it. I've never felt more calm and more safe when Blaine was with me. When we began to... fool around? Could I label it like that? Sure it wasn't just fooling around but it wasn't something 'real' either. But it was more real than any dream I ever had because the time we used to cuddle together, sleep together and even have sex together was always beautiful and it was so easy, so natural to be close to him and want to be there. 

“Only if you are sure because... Kurt. You know how much I want you back like we used to but this time for real.”

This straight honesty, this not even trying to pretend something, to make it sound anything but what it was hit me so bad I felt something strange running through my mind and veins. Something so clear and bright that I only gaped at him and couldn't think straight. Here he was, this boy trying to make things right, trying to get me back and this silly boy had no idea that he already had me. Me, my soul, my heart, my whole being. He had me, almost. But I still needed time because this around us, all this stuff about Cyrus, the wedding, the living mess. This wasn't over yet and I needed to see what would happen and what Blaine was ready to do. 

“I know. And if you don't want to I understand that bec-”

“I want to, Kurt. I would never say no to just be around you. But I also don't want to... read too much into things or do something you don't want to but feel like you should do it because of me.”

Okay, now I had to laugh and I did it, small and short and then shook my head: “Don't worry. I won't give you any wrong signals or something. Also, I won't do anything I think I'm not comfortable with, okay?”

And he believed me, he trusted me without any doubt. I stood up and we went to my bedroom. I told him to make himself comfortable and started a movie because this was what I need. My bed, a movie to distract me and Blaine next to me. Turning around I saw his eyes, this unsure look and there he was again, Blaine adorable Anderson not sure what this meant or what he was allowed to do. Honestly, I wasn't sure myself but I knew I needed this. A friend, okay, more than a friend close to me and just know, feel, I wasn't alone in this and make him feel the same. With an encouraging smile I climbed into my bed, moved closer and snuggled at his side with my head on his chest. I just... I needed this and I was too weak, to exhausted to be that strong person I wanted to be. For the next hours I would let my walls fall just to give him this and make myself a bit happier. Blaine knew it, I was sure he knew that this didn't mean I took him back. This here only meant one thing. I didn't hate him or was mad at him. This didn't mean that I didn't feel anything at all for him. This here, when he wrapped his arm around me, holding me close and leaning his cheek against my head meant, that I really liked him, that I wanted him and wanted to give us the real chance. He knew that this was only my answer to all his doubts about if he ever could get this back.

Because he already had it back. He had my love. All he needed now was me saying it. Saying that I loved him so much I still felt the urge to slap myself in the face. 


	14. Chapter 14

 

Chapter 13. Unspoken

 

Once I heard some people live more in 10 years than other people in 50 years. And some people knew what they felt for another person at first sight. But here comes the thing. People can't act just by their feelings, not always and sanity was always in the back of my head. I knew what I felt was true, wasn't wrong and no matter how hard I tried there was no way I could stop feeling the way I did for Blaine. Right now it was just there I waited for something I had no idea what it was. Then I thought about how I should just take this chance and let him know I want to be his boyfriend and him being mine. Then I thought about the mess we still were in and the conclusion was nothing. I fell asleep, my head on his chest and tried not to think about that anymore. It was just that even in my sleep I've found no rest at all. I had a strange dream that night. Well, it wasn't really strange it was just... upsetting? Yeah, something like that because I hadn't had those dreams in a while and why I had this dream that night was maybe some sign or whatever. I dreamed about Peter. It was nothing that ever really happened it was more like he was haunting me with words. Words about our future, about how much he loved me and words about who would clean the dishes and who would go to the grocery. Things that were just lies and hurt so bad I wished I could forget them. But this meant to lose a bunch of experience. I woke up with a gasp, feeling an arm around me, hearing someone breath next to me and pulled back just to sigh when I saw Blaine's sleeping face. It was just a dream, a silly dream and nothing to be worried about but it left a bad taste in my mouth. Almost like the time when Peter didn't come to our wedding and the next days I remembered his kisses, hugs, everything and felt dirty and sick. Even right now I felt all this but couldn't just go to the kitchen, grab some ice cream and drink wine glass after wine glass to just forget. This time was over and I had someone new, someone better. Someone who made me forget these dark times and gave me hope. It was still a secret for me how Blaine could do that, what it was that made me love him so easily and sure that we would be together for a long time. Maybe not forever because I wasn't ready to think that far but we would be honest to each other and at least try.

Hell yes, my heart told me all that but my mind needed an answer, something that erased each _maybe,_ or _what if_ or _impossible_ out of my mind. The fact that Blaine was still here, still fighting and now even supporting me although I gave him no guarantee for a relationship and wasn't always nice to him he stayed and tried to make me happy and comfortable. Peter would never have tried that. Jeez, something like this never even crossed his mind. But Blaine... Blaine tried and was here and wanted to show me he was serious by not running away. While doing that he was this beautiful, handsome and always so adorable guy who made my heart melt.

Sighing I placed my hand on his cheek, running with my thumb over his tan skin, watching the corners of his mouth moving up, eyelashes fluttering and he even hummed in his sleep. Even when he was humming I couldn't help myself but think how beautiful his voice was, how beautiful his face was and when I stared at his pink lips I remembered how good they felt against mine. How warm and sure they used to kiss me back. I swallowed, felt my mouth watering and just tried to hold it back. Snuggling closer and holding his face in my hands I pressed my lips against his, kissing him gently and melting into the feeling I haven't felt for days. Only days were between our last kiss but it felt like years which... said a lot. Usually I was more patient, had more control over myself but he somehow made me do all those things I wasn't used to anymore. Make me lose control over myself which was a bad thing for my sanity but a blessing for my heart and soul. This felt good, so good that I didn't even notice when he kissed me back and placed his hand on the back of my head to pull me closer. Honestly, I didn't care because this felt so right and too good to stop. We just kissed, first gently still half asleep then with more passion, moaning silently when Blaine nipped against my lips with his tongue and I just parted my lips because yes, yes I needed and wanted this. I wanted and needed him in any way possible. With each kiss he pumped more life in my veins, with each touch on my skin he drew a warm path over it and making me feel like I was somewhere else, somewhere safe and only with him. I leaned back, pressing him still against me and when I was laying on my back he was half on me, still kissing and sliding his hand to my cheek kissing me a while longer until he pulled back but I still could feel his breath against my lips. Opening my eyes I found him looking at me with shining eyes, blown pupils and this lovely smile which made each person melt away. In a life without Peter and all these bad memories, in a life where I was someone who followed his heart and not his mind I probably had said something cheesy, something funny or blush like a teenager. But this was not that life and my mind always tried to be louder than my heart. That's why I had no idea what to say. There was no regret I felt and there was no shame I felt because I wanted him. But it was unfair to give him this, to share this intimacy and give him hope. Eventually it hurt me too. It hurt me so much more than I realized. One kiss from him made me the happiest person alive, one touch, one look and still I acted like a crazy masochist hurting myself by keeping him away from me. He was not like Peter, nothing that felt so right could be wrong. Maybe hard but which relationship didn't have its up and downs?

“You had a nightmare, didn't you?”

Huh? How did he... okay, maybe I was speaking or moving and woke him up.

“It was just a silly dream,” I answered and watched him resting his chin on my chest with this sleepy smile and his adorable curls framing his face. My fingers acted on their own accord and ran through his soft hair. There he was looking so blissful with this smile on his lips, with this too big honey eyes and too long eyelashes but oh was he perfect. For me. I felt his hands moving, placing them under his chin while we still looked at each other and I knew he was waiting for me to say something. Oh... yes... what I just did is unfair and maybe the worst thing I could give him. By kissing him it was like I handed some food to a puppy and took it away from him.

“Blaine... I... I mean what just happened was...” What? Was I seriously looking for an excuse why I kissed him? Why I wanted exactly that and more? Would I do exactly the same thing I didn't want Blaine to do? Running away, denying and pretending? And more over, hurting him and give him false hope although I knew, I fucking knew what I wanted and how I felt? One last deep breath and told myself, no running away, no pretending.

“I don't want to wait anymore.”

His smile was gone and his eyebrows lifted up. Yeah, of course this was confusing. Two days ago I still wanted to wait and still kept him far away from me and now it was almost like I told him a bad joke, like, hey the past days were just a test.

“I know I've been saying I want time. But this is the sane part of me while my heart is so much louder, so much stronger that... thinking what could happen while we... I wait and maybe lose this chance before I even took it... I don't want that. I want this, us... now.”

Blaine said nothing and it drove me nuts. He was just blinking from time to time while he kept his eyes on me. Yeah, okay, it was understandable that he was confused and unsure and waited for the catch but this time there was none. It was crazy but I just really changed my mind and wanted this. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to stop dreaming and thinking about Peter or the shit that happened at my agency – no one was pissing on 'Hummel Weddings'. It felt like I was losing too much and no matter how hard I tried to hold those things in my hands they just slipped out of them. And Blaine? Probably losing him would hurt even more than my agency or anything else at that very moment. Call it crazy, call it strange because I had no idea how to name what I felt and why I was so sure about that. It was just that being this happy, feeling this special bound between us that was something I never experienced before and definitely something that felt way too right and good and just... yes, please stay and don't ever turn around and go away from me.

“Kurt...” he finally said and dragged me out of my thoughts getting all of my attention: “Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you don't do this because of... other reasons?”

And there it was the part of my thoughts, this memory I almost forgot although it just happened yesterday. I gave up my dream, the dream I had for a very long time. It wasn't really something that made me rich or anything like that. It was a personal thing, a journey I wanted to attend to find something. The house near the sea, the place where I could go when the city was too loud. A place I could share with someone and call it home. I wanted to see England, France, Germany. I just wanted to go out there and see the world, find the place. Maybe even find myself again. Yes, I wanted to find myself again and with leaving New York for a while, leaving the old me and find the me I wanted to be, the me I would love, that's what I wanted. But now this dream was out of reach. But... was it really a dream? Like something I truly needed? By going around Europe, explore all these foreign places it was more like an adventure, getting something new to get rid of the old. Maybe this was all what was behind my so called dream. Just a way to run away. However, it had been a part of me for a long time and I lost it within minutes and suddenly. I had nothing but my job, my friends, family and all these bad memories. Oh and not to forget the recently discovered masochistic side of me. I had good things and bad things left but I couldn't lie to myself and pretend it didn't bother me that I couldn't go to Europe. Perhaps by losing this I clung to the one thing I still didn't get and that was Blaine. Was it really like that? Because I couldn't have one thing so I took the other just to have one? No... no that wasn't me. I wasn't doing this because I couldn't stand it to lose something. There were so many people and things I lost in my life and I learned from it. In no way I was doing this because of these reasons. Also, if my trip to Europe only meant it was an unconscious thought to running away I didn't want to make this dream come true. I understood it, completely. Going to Europe without fixing the stuff here and finally get over everything was just running away.

“Hey,” he whispered and moved up so he was right above my face, his chest on mine and I felt his fingers running down my cheek while he kept a steady, searching look into my eyes: “Whatever it is I won't be mad.” Oh, I probably made a pretty tense expression.

“There is no... fuck,” I groaned closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. I was no one who just ran away from stuff but suddenly seeing what this whole trip truly meant hit me pretty hard. Maybe those weird people who had the power to close 'Hummel Weddings' and who took my money for my trip were just sent from fate itself? Like they needed to come and ruin almost my whole life so I would see that time was temporary and no one knew how much time we had on this planet. Just because you are young doesn't mean you live 50 more years. Just because your life is good doesn't mean it will be like this forever. Just because Blaine was now here with me didn't mean he would be here tomorrow. Someday I'll do something pretty stupid and lose my agency. It all could happen but no one knew if, or when or at all. And running away was a waste of time. I didn't want to run away nor wait nor pretend things are fine. Because they weren't and it had nothing to do with Blaine or the mess around us. I wasn't over my broken heart, over Peter and how he left me on the day which should have been one of the most amazing days in my life. This and the mess around us. All this was eating my soul, making me do things like running away and I didn't want this journey to mean that. I wanted to go there and enjoy life, learn things and come back with many many stories to tell. This little house at the sea I knew I could find it even here.

“Kurt,” he said my name so gently and kissed my lips so softly I thought I would just turn into a puddle of goo: “Tell me.”

Only one thing was clear. One thing was so right and easy but also difficult in a good way. Blaine Anderson. I loved him, I wanted him and I already saw our future. Fuck the short time I knew him, fuck the people around us. Never ever in my life I felt so sure about someone or something. No, I wasn't only saying I wanted to be with him just to have him before I lose him completely. I wasn't looking for a rebound. I wanted to be with him because it had to be this way. This was one of those things that had to be like the sun would rise in the morning, or like it would rain when the clouds were gray. Like when I was hungry I had to eat. For me it was like that.

“Yesterday when... those guys came and told me what was going on and I showed them how wrong they are. All taxes paid, all employes legal and everything else. So they told me the truth eventually.”

My fingers ran through his curls, down his cheek and his eyes were so big, waiting for my words.

“They said they would spread bad rumors about Hummel Weddings, about you and about the wedding if I don't pay them.”

“They were blackmailing you!?” he exclaimed and there was a small spark of anger in his eyes. Something I never saw before in his eyes. Like how could those adorable big eyes turn into something dangerous? But then they softened and he opened his mouth to say something but kept quiet for a while until he realized why I did it.

“I'm sorry.”

“It's not your fault. There are some crazy people out there and we have to deal with those,” I said and shook my head while he bit his lower lip, clearly worried that because of this wedding I had to give up something I really wanted to do. More important, because of this I almost lost my job and my friends too. But this wasn't Blaine's fault.

“I'll give you the money back. I don't want you to wait for your dream to come true.”

“No... dream,” I said and Blaine blinked quizzically: “This was just some... running away project and I didn't even notice it.”

“Running away from your past?” he asked me with such a calm voice his fingers still stroking over my cheek and eyes focused on mine.

“Yeah. From Peter, from all the memories and... It's not right, you know. I told you to face your troubles and I?”

Blaine shook his head slowly, moving off me so that he was next to me and I turned so I was laying on my side and facing him.

“You are right. Running away is not always the best option. Sometimes it just happens. Though... since I know you will help me go through this I'm not afraid anymore.”

I sighed and took his hand in mine, squeezing it gently.

“And I'll be there for you, Kurt. Don't think I won't because this is... that's what you do when someone matters to you.”

I saw it, the hesitation before he said his last words and maybe, just maybe he was actually feeling the same way I did. But none of us was ready to say it. Not because we were unsure, not because we were afraid. Right now wasn't the time for that and if we really agreed on being together, like really together this would be the last thing we kept to keep ourselves safe. Sure we both should feel safe enough around each other to just say it but life and love weren't that easy sometimes. And our lives were still a mess, our way was unclear and we both agreed on something without saying it. As soon as the time was right, as soon as it felt right we would know it and say those three words. At least that's what I thought.

“Look... I really don't want this because I can't go to Europe, or because I want a rebound for Peter. I want us to be together now because... it feels like time is way too short and life is so unpredictable. I know that, I've been through a lot and I don't want to regret anything. And yesterday, when I almost lost my job, when my friends almost lost their job it hit me, you know?” Blaine didn't look convinced or anything like that. He just stared at expression unreadable and I tried harder: “It... opened my eyes and I want you. I need you like really and I... I really like you. So much that thinking I can't wake up to your face or fall asleep next to you – God! I can't believe I'm saying this!” Groaning I rubbed my eyes and felt embarrassed. Jesus, since when did I know all those cheesy words? Since when was I quoting romantic movies?

And then Blaine chuckled and I was looking back at him, raising my eyebrows.

“I think I get it,” he smiled, cupping my cheek and leaning forward to kiss me gently: “But there is one thing you forgot.”

Oh God! Why couldn't he just say yes or no? It was embarrassing enough to say all these words and my racing heart, the tingling nerves because I was so nervous was almost unbearable.

“We can't go out in public and I remember this was one thing you didn't want to happen.”

“I don't care,” I said immediately and moved closer, pressing our foreheads together: “I want to be with you.”

“You know it won't be easy, right? There are all these paparazzi, crazy people spreading rumors, statements I have to make. If we'll be seen outside it could ruin you for real. I don't want that.”

“I know and I'm fine with the hiding. One day we'll be able to go out. It just needs time.”

“You are sure?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Blaaaaine!”

And he chuckled again, wrapping his arms around my body and pulling me closer like it should be. Leaning into his touch, pressing myself against his body I breathed him in, this smell that was just Blaine and heard him whispering: “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

Blaine was right. The following days were crazy. Like really. While 'Hummel Weddings' was still open and following the usual business – which was now dealing with everything so we could take our week off – Blaine had to run from statement to statement, from interview to interview and always with Rachel. Not because he couldn't do it alone but because it was better this way so people would see they weren't fighting or that one dumped the other. Anything about their fashion lines and future plans was something their parents dealt with. Of course they did it because Blaine had absolutely no idea about fashion. Like he knew how to look good and what was good for him but he just had no sense for fashion when it wasn't about him. Or me. We agreed on being together but those days were so exhausting that when I came home he was already sleeping and left something to eat for me or the other way around. In the morning we woke up together, sharing lazy kisses but had no time for more. And it was hard. I had a long day of work and so did Blaine so we silently agreed to wait. But it was hard, really hard. Every morning when we stood up I watched him getting dressed and felt my mouth watering because, damn, his body was just perfect for me. Of course I already knew his body, each inch, each muscle and this small waist, but this time it was different. I knew I loved him and we were like really together so... I saw him differently but in a better way. When I got dressed he always told me to wear this shirt or this sweater because it looked good on me and there it was, his sense of fashion which only worked for him and me. It was this domestic life I wished to have with Peter when we were together. It were all these small things, morning kisses, whispers, breakfast together, get dressed together and meet at my place when it was late, eating supper and go to bed together and watching something on TV before we fell asleep. I knew we weren't there yet, I knew this was only the beginning. But it felt right.

 

“You okay, Kurt?” it was Mercedes who asked me this before we all would head out to our break. Opening my bag I nodded slowly and looked up, seeing her small smile but also tired eyes. Yes, the last days were pretty hard with re-planning, canceling stuff, re-order things. We all were working from morning until late evening and come home just to eat something and fall asleep.

“It's been a hard week but I think-”

“I mean you and Blaine.”

Oh. Yes, yeah and I couldn't stop the smile stretching out on my lips.

“Yes. We are just fine.”

But I saw it in her face that this wasn't what she really wanted to know or to say.

“Spill,” I smirked and she rolled her eyes knowing how good I knew her.

“I just wanted to thank you, from all of us for what you did for us.”

“'Cedes,” I sighed, taking my bag and walking up to her with a smile on my face: “I could never be so selfish.”

“I know you aren't but you were dreaming about this for so long and now.”

I shook my head and hugged her, kissing her cheek: “It's okay. Really. This whole trip was just... not what I really needed in the end.”

She blinked obviously not following my words but then, slowly she understood and there was this smug smirk on her face and I almost blushed. Yeah, since I was with Blaine together, like really so people who were close to us knew I was in a good mood. My life felt like it was in order again and I wasn't running in circles looking for something, anything.

“Go home to your man but don't forget tomorrow night. We'll be at your place around nine.”

Nodding we left my office, turned off the lights and left the building to go our separated ways. Taking a cab and climbing inside on the backseat I felt impatient. I wanted to be home, right now and fall into Blaine's arms and forget the rest of the world for a week. Tomorrow there was no need to wake up early, no work, nothing. I could sleep until noon if I wanted to and I could do this with him. His arms would hold me or I hold him. Listening to his breathing, to his sleepy voice wishing me a good morning and share a sleepy lazy kiss. Or just come home, meet him there while Blaine was sitting on the couch reading a book and a steaming mug of tea on the table. Then I would smile because whatever he did it is beautiful. Then he would hear me coming in or probably only notice me when I called I was back and look up, smiling with this happy shine in his eyes. Yes. Looking forward to all of this I couldn't wait to leave the cab and ran to the elevator and just like I imagined, he was sitting there, reading something in his sweatpants and his Dalton t-shirt. This time thought I said nothing, took my coat and shoes off and walked up to him as quiet as possible just to wrap my arms gently around his neck from behind. He didn't wince or jumped. Blaine only placed the book aside and leaned back, smiling like I imagined it and humming happily.

“How was work?”

“Okay. And your day?”

We spoke quietly, eyes closed and just feeling what each touch gave us. Endless warmth, endless peace, all the things we only got from each other but not from the world.

“Way too long,” he sighed and pressed his lips under my jaw.

Sometimes life could be simple. So simple like, coming home and find the person you love there waiting for you, being happy that you were back and share this happiness and show it in each way possible. I wanted that. I wanted it tonight because this was the beginning of my week off. Our week off.

“Come on,” I said and took the book out of his hand and taking it right after that.

“Uh... but what about supper?” he asked but stood up.

“Can wait,” I smiled pulling him closer and pressing a sweet kiss to his lips. Blaine kissed me back, just as sweet and lovely as I did. Would there ever be a moment when we kissed and I wouldn't forget to breath? Probably not. His hands stroke up my back, back down and then he nuzzled his nose against mine. So simple, so familiar like we did this for years. Not waiting was a good decision, probably the best one I made in the past two years. No regret, no worries, only him close to me, only sharing the unspoken love made the mess we went through worth it. Made everything that still stood in our way worth it. I was hopelessly, deeply and insanely in love with Blaine Anderson but not ready to say it. Just not yet.

“So clingy today,” he whispered and I couldn't help myself but nod and share a small laugh with him.

“Of course. Last day of work, one week off and... you being here with me. I want to enjoy and not waste this time with worries, media, work or anything like that. I just want to spend this time with you.”

Oh for fucks sake, since when did I know all these cheesy things? And since when I didn't vomit saying those things. Yes, my old me had thought that but not the new me. Not the one that was ready to love and be loved and walk this way again with someone who made me feel so connected, so safe and special like Blaine did. Hearing how he caught his breath and watching how he closed his eyes he leaned closer, kissing me again but this time not sweet or gentle but passionate, hard and pressing our bodies flush against each other.

Kissing and getting out of our clothes we made it to the bed, falling down and without any words we had sex that night. I remembered the times we had sex before all of this came out, before all this happened and though the sex was amazing it was always just... sex. Sure something happened each time, some feelings woke up, some heart beats were different to the others but this time, when Blaine slipped inside me, moaning into my ear and kissing my shoulder, my neck, my lips while he slowly began to move I felt how he touched my soul, my heart in a way Peter never was able to. It wasn't important to come, to get an orgasm. It wasn't important to fight for dominance, to beg, to say dirty things – although we both quiet enjoyed that. This time I only wanted to feel, to remember and never forget. And all of this, all of these thoughts, these feelings I saw in Blaine's face and it felt like I was about to cry but it didn't happen. His eyes were tense, his lips formed to this breathtaking and beautiful smile, his thrusts just touching the right places and giving me more than pleasure. This night we made unspoken love and I hoped I could say it one day, that he could say it one day and we would make love.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

Chapter 14. Heart

 

Having a boyfriend had many benefits. Like I didn't have to wake up alone in a huge bed with one warm and one cold side. I didn't like to sleep in a cold bed although I loved cold weather because of all the scarfs and coats and fashion in general was beautiful in autumn and winter. Then there was this waking up together, sharing some affection and eat breakfast together including stealing kisses, touching, giggles and all these silly things that were oh so beautiful. Also the fact that I never was alone for long when I came home and had someone to talk about my day at work or just talk with someone who was not only my boyfriend but also my friend. There were many benefits people saw at the beginning of a relationship and I was no exception. Honestly, I wished we could have started like this the moment we met but life was just this strange thing with it's strange ways. All I thought was, fuck the bad times that would come because I wanted to enjoy our week off and just be. Days ago something was unthinkable. My defensive self was always strong keeping me away from pain and disappointment and now I was ready and literally drown into this feeling. Cloud nine was my favorite place and also Blaine's. We still were careful, still exploring each other and on one side I was happy about that but on the other side I wanted to be rough, dirty like the first night we were. It scared me somehow that I was ready and able to go this way but when I thought about who would be by my side being scared was just stupid. Blaine could be and do the things I thought, of course, he was there when we had sex for the first time. However, we agreed on taking things slow or more mature that is. Whatever the fuck this meant.

 

Curled up on the couch, my head resting on Blaine's chest we were watching something. I totally forgot what it was because his chest was far more interesting. I heard his heartbeat, watched his chest rising and falling slowly, felt his body heat through the fabric and fought against the urge to just take it off and let my fingers run over his skin. This was fine, so fine, just laying here and let my fingers run up and down the dark red fabric. The last time I spent time with someone like this felt like ages ago. It was so natural, so calming and comforting that I wasn't sure to keep my eyes open and make sure this was real or not because I knew it wouldn't be hard to fall asleep. But it was midday, now wasn't the time to sleep.

“Kurt, you don't even pay attention to the movie,” Blaine said calmly, running soothing circles over my back. Resting my chin on his chest I looked into his warm eyes, the pleased smile on his face. My mind echoed the words I couldn't say. I love you, Blaine Anderson, so I just smiled and pressed my face back against his chest, wrapping my arms tightly around his body. I wanted to enjoy the last peaceful minutes before my friends would come here. There was no real reason to celebrate but it had been a while since we all were together to just drink, talk and have a good time. Far away from work. Right now I was fighting with myself to cancel it and just stay here, breathing the smell of sun and cinnamon in, feeling the warm hand on my back and the other on my arm. Really, I just wanted to lay there and never leave.

Blaine turned the TV off, placed his fingers gently under my chin and lifted my head up so he could look into my eyes.

“Something happened?”

“No,” I breathed and moved further up his body to place a loving kiss on his lips: “I just like it here.” There was so much I could say to him about what I was thinking and what I was feeling. Like when we kissed it felt like falling down into a bath of soft sunlight. Like, when he touched me naked or not my whole body calmed down and my knees gave in. Like, whenever he smiled at me I wasn't sure if I should cry, smile back or kiss him. With just being here with me, just knowing and seeing him I felt more alive than I ever felt in my entire life. And when he touched me, when I was allowed to just feel him in anyway possible it was almost too much life in my body. But, because he was there he took a part of it with him and I wondered if he felt all the same things. If Blaine, too, thought the same things, would he ever say them out loud? Sure, there was some reassurance that he probably felt a lot for me. He flew from New York to Ohio to find me, to fight for me. He agreed on all the silly rules I came up with and followed them. He did so much and try so hard to convince me, but he never said the things not even I was ready to tell.

“You know that you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know,” I sighed and closed my eyes when his fingers ran through my hair. There was just no need to have any serious conversation. It was fine how things were and this week when we both just took a break and spent most of the time together was, perhaps, the best idea we had. Each morning we woke up together, cooked together, watched something. The only time which was pretty exhausting was when we had to go outside or wanted to go outside. Blaine insisted that he would go first and we met at a place with less people so no one would see us. The thing that happened at the airport when we came back turned into Blaine's everyday life whenever he went outside. There was just no way we could act like a couple outside or get caught together. Too much gossip but Blaine was more concern about myself and my job. All I could do was accepting how things were for now and wait until it changed. It had to change at some point.

 

* * *

 

It was Sunday. The last day of our week off and I'd lost track of time while we were laying in my bed and just kissing what felt like hours. Lightheaded with swollen lips and dark eyes I looked at Blaine, laying next to me and saw how his eyes were just as dark as mine. It was just so easy to let him inside my apartment, share my closet with him, my bed, my bathroom. Seeing his toothbrush next to mine, seeing his clothes next to mine and how he sometimes sat at his laptop on my bed and typed something down, while I snuggled close, holding him, feeling him next to me only focusing on this was so, so easy to accept. I remembered how hard it was to live with Peter together. But this? This was good, almost perfect.

“What is bothering you?” he asked me like everyday and I said things were fine or just kissed him and smiled. Because it was, everything was fine. We were together, we made each other happy and helped each other through this time, kept all the dark thoughts away.

“Nothing,” I whispered when he held himself up on one elbow and was looking down at me, his fingers caressing my cheek while his warm eyes kept on looking at me. If something was bothering me than it was the fact that I wanted to tell him what I felt. I wanted to say I love you, you make me happy, I hope we'll be together for long... maybe forever. But for some reason I couldn't. There was still something missing, the... right feeling? Yes, something like that.

“You sometimes have this... look, you know? Like you want to say something but you can't.”

His words hit me pretty hard, but not in a bad way. They made me happy like little kid, gave me butterflies and it was hard to not show a wide smile. The fact that he knew what was going on without me saying a word was making our bond stronger, made me fall in love even more because he was looking at me. He noticed me, watched me and tried to do the right thing any time. And I did the same but wasn't sure if he noticed. I watched him when he was sitting at his laptop, typing something – I once asked him what it was and he told me he wrote some articles for fun about random stuff – or when he was eating something. The way he held his fork and knife, how dapper he was while eating something – seriously, I never thought the way someone was eating could be described as dapper. Or when he woke up. The first mornings I always watched how he slowly opened his eyes, walking out of his sleepy state and realizing he wasn't in his room but with me. Then, his eyes would turn to my side, stare at me for a while unsure and then turn completely warm because it was real.

“Or I'm imagining stuff because-”

“No. You are right,” I held myself up and kissed him sweetly, feeling his hand going down to my waist.

“So... something is bothering you?”

“It's nothing bad. Don't worry.”

He forced himself to smile but I could see how hard it was for him. I already knew this face too well. Blaine asked me, at least once a day if I was okay with us hiding our relationship although I never wanted that. My answer was always yes and then he made the same face. I was fine with that but he wasn't. Of course we both wanted to be able to go out and show the world who we were. We both were almost 26 years old and left the closet many years ago.

“Don't make this face,” I whispered, kissing his neck and running my fingers down his bare chest – we were only in our underwear – and blushed, just like him, still feeling shy for some reason: “I tell you sooner or later, okay?”

“Promise?”

“Promise. Now come here, it's our last day before the chaos comes back with full force.”

With a smile which was reaching his eyes he kissed me sweetly, then with more and I felt his tongue nipping against my lips and with a smirk I let it happen. We kissed a just for some minutes because that was what we've been doing before and then Blaine pressed a kiss on my cheek, let his lips gently gaze over my jaw, to my neck and I pressed mine against his shoulder. Loving the feeling of his skin against my lips and tongue I moaned when he did the same to me. We had sex almost each night and with each passing night it became not just an act to get off and enjoy some closeness. With each passing night we used this to get closer, to connect. Either I nor Blaine said it because there were no words needed to explain what was happening. Often, when we came down from our highs I snuggled closer or Blaine and thought how I ever could believe that, what Peter and I had was everything love was about. With Blaine I realized that I've only known the surface of what it meant to sleep with someone you really love, touch and kiss and talk. With Blaine I broke this surface and walked over a new ground. One which was still uneven, still unknown but he held my hand and helped me not to trip and fall. He helped me to explore each unknown place under this surface and slowly to understand what love truly meant. When his hands ran slowly over my skin, painting warm lines they all went straight to my heart, surrounding it and creating a warm shield to keep it safe from all the bad things. It was like he healed my old heart, made it shine, red warm light which only opened up for him, pounded for him and whenever he wasn't around it kept everything he gave me waiting for the moment he was back to suck more of it inside and keep it there. More love. And when he did touch me, I couldn't help myself but stare at his hand and wonder what it was able to make me feel. Then I would look into his eyes, seeing so much affection, so much of how even he couldn't believe this was happening. And when it was my turn to do the same things to Blaine all I could see was just the same I felt. At least I thought it would look like this. But he never complained, he never pushed me back. He absorbed everything with this pleased smile and so much relief. Yes, it maybe was relief we both felt and this relief changed into happiness and love. I really liked it that we never said it out loud, that we never mentioned anything not even a hint. Though, slowly, it was driving me crazy because despite the things we knew and felt there would always be this small shadow called uncertainty. We only thought those things, felt them but we could have been wrong.

I kissed his cheek as his fingers slipped under the waistband of my briefs and pulled them down. He slipped out of his and while I was half laying there he sat back, kissing me with more passion and soon we were both fully hard. Leaning over me he took the lube from the nightstand, pouring some into his palm, warming it up between his fingers and I turned to lay on my stomach and feel his finger circling around my entrance and soon felt the first finger slipping inside. It didn't hurt anymore. Actually I ached for this and got easily eager for more, moaning, pushing into his hand and then I felt three fingers and his lips on my shoulder, behind my ear and his hot breath, his moan and sighs falling on my skin. Bending my knees I let him deeper inside, throwing my head back in pleasure because he just knew where to touch me. Sometimes teasingly but most of the times gently, wanting to give me pleasure. I enjoyed this, wanted this but sometimes I missed it, the teasing because we both were so good at that. Eventually I would turn around, feeling guilty that he always gave and gave and shook his head with a smile when I wanted to give him something back, just as much. But after shaking his head and smiling at me he always said: “You don't need to. You already give me enough.” And I couldn't help myself and feel guilt alongside how my heart swelled with too many emotions. “Blaine, please,” I'd plead when it was just too much and he would nod, pull his fingers gently out and settle between my legs while I made space for him and held myself as open as possible in this position. One hand held his cock, while the other ran up and down my back and when he pushed inside I smiled so pleased, so calm and turned my head around because I knew he would bend down, kiss me while he pushed deeper and deeper inside. This time though, while he slipped inside and just hit all the right spots I came silently, trying not to be obvious but of course he felt it, the way my hole clenched around him, the way my body shivered and he blinked, looking at me quizzically and all I could do was shaking my head and placing my hand over his, entwining our fingers and whisper: “Don't stop just... fuck me.”

It sounded so wrong, not what I intended to say. Though, saying 'make love to me' was not right either. We didn't love each other the way we should or wanted. Open, let the world know it, with words.

“Okay,” he breathed and began to move while I became hard again and just took it, holding his hand and clenching around him to give him more pleasure. Judging by his moans, how his body was responding I felt the guilt slowly going away. He thrust faster in and out, hitting the right spots over and over again and then we came together, moaning deep and low and he was on me, wrapping his arms tightly around my body until we both came down.

 

That night I understood something I thought was unreal. Part of a fairytale, a book, a movie. We were made for each other.

 

* * *

 

Being back at work was good but also annoying. I got so used to live with Blaine and sharing so much time with him that, sitting in my office or driving around and do my job felt too long. I couldn't wait to be back home and talk with him, be with him and fall asleep with him. Blaine was just the same and his days were far more exhausting than mine. He constantly tried to avoid the media, the paparazzi, all these annoying people and still, what bothered him the most was that Cyrus didn't show up. It was like he accepted what happened and the damage he had done which eventually solve itself out – some day – and I wanted to believe that. Yet, he didn't believe that. Of course because he knew his ex and I didn't.

 

Weeks passed by. Weeks with work and hiding and only being able to be who we were at my place. At the beginning it was fine but on Thanksgiving we both realized what this actually meant. Each Friday evening we sat together, planning what we could do over the weekend and then one of us would say it: “We can't go out. I mean we can try but what if they see us and the out come will be a huge scandal.” It would ruin my business something along the lines like; _Kurt Hummel, well known wedding planner is not a professional – Kurt Hummel might steal your husband._ Blaine knew this business way better than me and I nodded, giving in. It would also mean damage for Blaine's parents and their fashion line. They didn't want people to refer to them as: Their son broke a girls heart. No matter how many times Blaine and Rachel said it was a mutual thing not to get married, they always blamed the boy because poor girl. So we stayed at my place with all my friends during Thanksgiving.

 

A week after Thanksgiving I asked him because I couldn't take it anymore: “How long do you think this will go on like it is now?”

He sighed, looked down and sat on my couch, clearly uncomfortable: “Maybe until next year. My parents are traveling, visiting fashion shows and presenting their winter and spring collection. My dad told me people slowly stop talking about the wedding and focus on their clothes. So I guess... then?”

I knew I would wait for him, I knew I could do that but knowing he was allowed to go out with Rachel or any other person but me hurt and made me jealous. I've never been a jealous person but he just made me feel things and took me by surprise. I was often surprised by myself and how insanity – or love – took control over me.

“Next year... that's more than a month,” I groaned and felt his hand caressing my cheek.

“I know and I'm sorry but... I don't want them to run into your office or follow you everywhere you go.”

“They already do that, Blaine,” I said because yes, I sometimes ran into someone from some magazine asking me if I had any idea that they didn't want to get married. I always said no and they left me alone because we never were seen together or even mentioned each other. We just acted like we didn't know each other at all outside my apartment.

“But they didn't write an article about you or spread gossip. Not yet and if they want to, they find something because we are careful. It's just for you Kurt, so no harm will happen to you. They can ruin you, they really can.”

“I can handle it, Blaine. I'm not alone and we all could handle it.”

Blaine shook his head: “Believe me. They can ruin so much and so fast with the right words and right photos.”

“So you think I'm too weak to stand up for us both and keep my business running?” I snapped and stood up, walking through the room before I would do something stupid.

“That's not what I'm saying. I just know what media can do, that's all.”

“But I can't just sit here and pretend like we... we are nothing!” I yelled and he stared at me, letting the silence fill the distance between us. Yeah, like each person I had reached my limit.

“I want to go out with you. We don't have to go into a park or something super public. But at least the movies or a restaurant would be fine, right? They can't just walk inside there and see us and it's not like we are the only people on the streets. You get easily through New York without being seen. Don't tell it's not.”

Blaine sighed and stood up, walking around the couch and leaning against it knowing very well to keep the distance.

“I want that too, Kurt. Don't think I don't want that and it's hurting me too. But I don't want to take this risk and get blamed for if they ruin you.”

I almost laughed: “You think I would blame you if this – which is highly impossible by all means – happens? I would do it because I want to and deal with any shit that will happen. As if they can ruin me, please. I'm no one.”

“You obviously don't know what they are capable of!”

“So you think I'm stupid?!”

“No... God! No, that's not what I'm saying.”

“So you want to stay here forever until we can't stand each other anymore and plot how to get rid of the other?”

“Listen to yourself, you talk like a teenager!”

Oh, yes, maybe I was talking like some immature brat but I didn't care.

“Even if, Blaine! I prefer to act like a stupid teenager and take a risk and show the world who I am and who I am with than staying here and just... hide! I'm done with hiding and done with pretending! You should know that!”

He stared at me, maybe angry, maybe disappointed I couldn't tell because there was so much but if I were a sane person at that moment I would have done anything to make him smile again. But we both were just too frustrated.

“You agreed on that, Kurt! You said you were fine with that and I told you what it would be like!”

“But not for months!”

“It can take years! You clearly don't understand what-”

“Years!?”

And maybe he was right, maybe I didn't understand but... years?

“No... Kurt. No. I doubt it will take years, we are almost out of it but... we still need some weeks. My dad and I are working on that so soon... really, soon we can just be... out.”

So he was working with his dad on it but not with me? Who were we anyway? Why didn't he tell me or ask me for help?

“And why don't you talk to me about that? I can help you too, you know. I maybe don't know this business like being really famous but as... as your boyfriend – which I hope I am – I want to help you.”

“Kurt,” he almost cried, walking to me, placing his hands carefully on my arms he said, clearly hurt: “Of course you are. And I'm yours but... this is just something I don't want you to go through. You already gave me so much.”

I gave him much? Yes, maybe, but we weren't equal and this bothered me a lot. Turning around I walked to the front door, shoes and coat on and heard him asking: “Where are you going?”

“I need space to think. And you should think too. If you can't trust me or talk to me I can't see us as boyfriends.”

 

* * *

 

Saying I didn't care what people say about us or what it would mean for me to come out as a couple with Blaine was a lie. Of course I was unsure and a bit scared but I also knew I would never know without trying. But he was just... no. Blaine was right but I was angry and frustrated because I wanted the world to know about my amazing boyfriend and that I found happiness. So I went to my favorite cafe, pulling my phone out and reading something about celebrities, about gossip and compared the stuff I knew and the stuff they said and after two hours I realized that, of course, Blaine was right. I even googled stuff about Blaine's parents, what they wrote about Blaine and Rachel – which I haven't done because it made me uncomfortable – and found many articles, a month old or so only being about the wedding and how this huge event didn't happen. Then I read some articles calling Blaine being unsure about his own sexuality, about how he probably slept around because he once had a boyfriend. A lot of nasty stuff, pictures with Blaine leaving the fashion house from his parents – hiding his face with a news paper, leaving a restaurant, driving with a cap and someone with him who turned out to be assumed new girlfriend or boyfriend - and it made me sick because none of that was true. It also made me sick because I knew where he always was but he never mentioned how they took pictures of him or about any of these articles, and he knew about it, I was sure he knew. I swallowed the urge to yell at something, at someone because those were lies. Then I read some stuff about Rachel, mainly things about how sorry they were for her because she didn't get her wedding which she was speaking about and dreaming about. Luckily they didn't know about her and Finn. Of course there was gossip about her too, that she probably didn't want to be with someone like Blaine who couldn't decide what he preferred, men or women. My head hurt but my heart hurt more. I checked some articles from the last days and those were – luckily – about the upcoming winter and spring collection from the Anderson's and also Berry's fashion line and how they still worked together. One about how Rachel and Blaine got along and were seen eating somewhere together, smiling, chatting. It seemed like it really slowly stopped. And I felt sorry and guilty because I didn't believe him and said all these awful things, yet knowing he was right. But I was never there, I never went through this and I realized I actually had no clue about what it meant to be famous. Me and my little agency were known in the part of New York we were living but that was it. This couldn't be called being famous, right? Taking a shaking breath I googled myself and found the articles I knew – which were about me opening my own agency and about some weddings I've planned – and three new articles about that I've planned the Anderson/Berry wedding with praises from Rachel and Blaine, one about how it was beautifully planned but never happened and one about how I had no idea about that it wouldn't happen. I was clean, I was safe, Rachel and Blaine made sure no harm happened to me.

Well it happened when those guys showed up and it was just another proof of what Blaine said. If they want to, they find something out or make stuff up and by paying them they kept quiet. And they really did judging by the articles.

Fighting against tears I wrote a quick, simple message to Rachel, saying 'Thank you' and she replied with 'You're welcome ;)' knowing probably what I meant because she knew me.

 

I walked around for a while, visiting some places I hoped to visit with Blaine one day and felt how my heart and guilt hurt and became to heavy to hold. We've been together for two months now, like really together and ignored the world around us too well. Blaine did even more. He wasn't sharing all the things I figured out and not because they were true or because he was ashamed. They were lies, all of them and shame was replaced with care. He cared so much about to please me so I wouldn't break up or have doubts. It was just unfair from his side. We were boyfriends, supposed to help each other no matter what happens and I wanted to do that, he knew that, right? I told him I'll be with him, help him but maybe... maybe because we never talked about all the unsaid things, which we felt when we were together, kissing, cuddling, having sex maybe this was the reason why he kept all these articles and gossip from me? Enough, I thought, it was enough. I took a cab back home, feeling like time was running away and hoped he was still there, still waiting, sitting on the couch with a book or his laptop and smiling at me as soon as I came inside. Though, when I came inside he wasn't there where he should have been.

“Blaine?” I called his name, pulled off my shoes and coat and walked inside, looking through the kitchen and living room but he wasn't there and didn't answer. Panic crawled over my skin. What if I screwed it up this time? What if I hurt him because I did this all the time. At the beginning we were hurting each other unconsciously with out actions, with our words and hiding, but this time we hurt each other consciously. It might have happened because we were frustrated, because we couldn't be free but this was no real excuse. I didn't want to hurt him or get hurt.

“Blaine?” I asked once again and heard the door to the bathroom going open. Turning to the direction I saw him walking out, damp hair, wearing his pajamas and looking at me with puffy eyes. He was obviously crying and for a 25 year old man he looked like a little boy with his curls and his watery eyes and hanging shoulders, making him look so small.

“You are back,” he whispered with a rough voice: “I... I can go if you want. I actually wanted to leave but I-”

I cut him off, wrapping my arms around him and fighting against my own tears: “Don't ever go.”

He held me close, burying his face against my neck and sobbing. I couldn't control my tears anymore and cried with him.

“I'm sorry for yelling at you,” I began but he shook his head.

“No. It was unfair from me to call you... stupid. You would have understood it if I explained it.”

“No, Blaine. I am sorry. I agreed on that, I knew it wouldn't be easy and I was unfair to you too.”

I kissed his damp hair, ran soothing circles over his back and held his warm body closer, not able to let go.

“We... we both were unfair.”

Yes, yes we were and I never ever wanted to fight with him again. But I also didn't want to be the one who only knew half of the stuff that was happening. And I also didn't want to hide things too anymore. I took his hands, went back to the living room and we both sat down, while I told him about the stuff I figured out and he looked down, looking guilty. I squeezed his hands, told him that I knew these things they wrote were lies, that I would never ever believe them. That, when he told me what was the truth I would trust him.

“I didn't want to worry you. It's so big, Kurt, too much to deal with and I don't want to bother you with this stuff.”

“Blaine. If I ever feel uncomfortable with anything I tell you about it, okay? But... what really bothers me is when you keep me out of your life. I want to know what you have to deal with. Bad and good things.”

He sighed, looking a bit better and ran his hand up and down my arm finally looking back at me.

“I don't try to do that. I trust you, I know you'd understand. But I've ruined so much and I want to do the right thing. Make you happy.”

Moving closer, trying not to cry again and breath evenly, because his words just made me stop breathing, I kissed his lips and felt how they were trembling.

“You make me happy. More than anyone ever did. But I want to do the same. I want us to be equal.”

And for some reason we both began to cry again, between kisses, between caressing each other faces, arms and curled up on the couch just letting everything out we both been keeping inside us. All the frustration, all the eyes watching us, all the lies and unfairness our life just had been at that time.

“We... we can go out, you know. I will do anything to keep you away from the media. You don't deserve to hide this what we share. You deserve the take outs, the movies, the walks through the park and city no matter if it rains, or snows or when the sun shines. I want us to explore this.”

I was happy he didn't say to break up with me. It was the easy way, breaking up and finding someone else to be with. But either I nor he wanted that. Honestly, how was I able to let him go? I couldn't and he obviously couldn’t do that too.

“Let's... wait a little bit longer, okay? From what I saw the gossip slowly stops and... maybe a week more or two and then we can... try? Okay?”

“Whatever you are comfortable with,” he whispered, kissing my hair and I propped myself up, looking down at him from where he was laying under me and ran my fingers over the place where his heart was hidden.

“But promise me something too.”

“Anything.”

“Talk with me. Tell me anything that is happening outside here. The articles, the photos. Because, obviously, I'm not so much into this gossip stuff as I thought.”

Blaine laughed, sitting up and kissing my puffy cheek: “It's not important Kurt. They are mainly lies.”

“I know, but... I want to know what you are going through. I want to make you happy too and help you, you know.”

And Blaine shook his head, so ridiculously adorable and cupped my face, giving me a lovely kiss. Agreeing to watch a movie before we went to sleep I let him choose the DVD – of course it was the Hobbit. This time he was laying on me, running patterns over my chest and let me hold him. After an hour he fell asleep, breathing evenly and arms wrapped around my body and I liked it. Usually it was always me but this was just as nice too. It was fine. Blaine for sure was exhausted and went through enough fears because of our fight and I want to give him the rest he needed. Obviously, he had to carry more with him than I did and this for two whole months. But I was here and more than ready to share the weight with him. When the movie was over I kissed his forehead, waking him up carefully and he blinked, rubbing his eyes and realizing it was him who fell asleep this time.

“Let's go to bed,” I said, turning off the TV and hand in hand we went to the bedroom. Changing into my own pajamas he was already sitting there on his side, always laying left to me and already pulling the covers aside. Climbing inside I leaned over, placing a kiss on his lips and saying: “Remember how I told you I would tell you what was bothering me?”

With a worried look and a nod he gave me his full attention , staring at me, waiting for what would come and I saw how he breathed a little bit faster, may it be because he was nervous or scared. But there was no reason to be scared. Actually nervous was right. I was nervous, nervous like hell and felt my sweaty palms, my blood running through my head and making me dizzy. I haven't said this in a while to anyone. I never said it in such a way like I did that moment. Honest, from my heart and making myself completely vulnerable.

“I love you.”

Somehow I made it to not break the eye contact. Somehow I was able to make no sound and carefully watch his expression change. First he seemed to not understand what I said, then he blinked many times and then his whole face softened to the most beautiful expression he ever gave me. A soft yet wide smile, sparkling eyes and burning with just what I said. Love.

“That was bothering you?”

“Well... I... I never said it and meant it like I do now.”

“You can be a fool, you know?”

“But I'm also a smartass.”

He chuckled and cupped my face once again, ever so gently and kissed me in a different way. No, it was the same way, the same loving kiss but it felt different. Like a kiss only meant for me. We kissed for a while but I quickly became impatient, even more nervous though the words were out and pulled back.

“Say something.”

He chuckled and nuzzled his nose against mine, driving me crazy.

“Me too, you know.”

“You too, what?”

“You know, what.”

Then he laughed as I groaned and silenced me with another kiss just to whisper against my lips: “I love you too.”

Sighing in relief I closed my eyes, wrapped my arms around him and we laid down, facing each other, still kissing sweetly and feeling the heart beat from the other through our kisses. This connection between us grew stronger, bigger, made me almost complete but I knew, we knew this wasn't everything. This was just the beginning of more, maybe even a future together. In the back of my head I could see a future with him but I didn't let it to the surface just yet. Breathless we stopped kissing, foreheads pressed together and smiling like the fools we were.

“I mean it, Kurt.”

“Hm?”

“I really love you.”

We shared one last look before I placed my head under his jaw, kissing the exposed skin and laid close to him, as close as possible with my arms around him, my legs tangled with his and his arms holding me. For the first time in my life I smiled with so much happiness and fell so peacefully asleep that I hoped I would never ever forget this moment. No matter what would happen in the future, what was waiting for us.

 

Because I really needed it.

 

* * *

 

I don't know how it happened, or even why, or what it must have happened to me. But, right before my desk there was standing a woman. An obviously rich woman with conspicuous jewelry, wearing a super expensive pink dress and long brown hair hanging over her shoulders. She eyed me with her piercing blue eyes and held a news paper in her hand, letting it drop down right in front of me and I swallowed, read the headline 'Kurt Hummel – the reason why the Anderson/Berry wedding didn't happen?' I shook my head, knowing the press was well known for gossip and tried to hide how much it bothered me to read this, because yes, it was true in some way. When did this article came out?

“Are you this Kurt Hummel?”

I nodded slowly, standing up and forcing myself to be the professional I knew how to be.

“I am, yes. But I hope you know Miss...?”

“Tomason. Tanja Tomason.”

“Miss Tomason, that this publisher is known for his gossip and lies. I-”

“Oh, I know that,” she exclaimed with a wide smirk.

“Uh... you know?”

“Yes, that's why I'm here.”

And Kurt swallowed, unsure what this meant for him or who this woman was.

 


	16. Chapter 16

 

Chapter 15. Shadows

 

“I don't really care if this gossip is true or not. It's none of my business. Though, I have to admit it would be a good story for a movie,” the woman in front of him said and I was fighting against the blush on my cheeks.

“Anyway,” Miss Tomason sighed, sat down and crossed her legs: “I want you to plan my wedding. I heard from people how beautifully organized the Anderson and Berry wedding was, sadly I wasn't invited but I want the same wedding.”

I blinked, sorted my thoughts and slowly nodded, still unsure if this was just a joke or if something else.

“And I want to publish an article about it. It's a shame that no one wrote an explicit review about this wedding even if it didn't happen. My fiance is working for the press so I hope you are fine with that.”

“Uh, yes... sure. Why not.”

She beamed at me and pulled a map out of her bag, handing it to me and when I opened it I saw different drawings from a wedding dress, from a invitation card, notes about where the wedding should happen and listened to her, still trying to realize what happened.

 

After her visit everything just went crazy. Like really crazy. Good crazy. December began and I had so many weddings to plan for the new year I was completely booked out. I had famous people, not famous people and there were articles going around about who would get married and that my agency was planning it. There articles about Rachel's and Blaine's wedding and for once not about how it didn't happen but about how well and beautifully it was planned. I gave some interviews for wedding magazines, random people called me for my advice and it was like a dream coming true. Sure, we had a lot to work and I knew I would be pretty busy the following year, but it was good. Blaine didn't need to be worried about ruining my business and we both could go out. Finally.

We could be the silly, deeply in love couple I wanted to be with him. We were able to walk through the Central Park, hand in hand, share some hot chocolate and visit the theater. The first day of three weeks before Christmas we were able to close the agency because there was enough work for us for the first six months and of course we took the opportunity to celebrate. It was a party for our success and also our yearly Christmas party. This year though was a bit different.

Since Blaine had his own karaoke bar we went there with my whole crew and our friends and I've never seen us all so happy and calm. The last months weren't just exhausting for me and Blaine but also for anyone else and looking at us now I got emotional.

“Oh fuck, are you crying Kurt!?” Santana exclaimed as we stood together at the bar and I watched them all laughing.

“Let him cry, it was a hard year for all of us,” Tina said.

“I think Anderson is making him weak. That's not good for the upcoming year.”

“I'm not crying!” I cried anyway and Blaine was right beside me, smiling proudly and kissing the happy tears away. What made all the good things even better was seeing Blaine being so proud of me and supporting me all the time. Of course I was worried he felt like he had to do this, to make all the bad things okay again but really, he didn't need to do that. There was nothing he had to fix or owe me. His love, his support was all I needed and wanted.

“I was joking, Kurt,” Santana said, coming to us followed by Tina, Mercedes and all the others and we made group hug until Santana said it was enough – well she would never admit that she liked that – and called for more shots. Soon we separated and I watched them all dancing, talking, laughing and enjoying this little party. Mercedes and Rachel were singing some songs and Blaine was talking with Finn about something, probably sports. And I stood there watching them. My friends, my boyfriend and smiled into my drink. Perhaps I could go to Europe next year. Counting down all the weddings I would be planning until July and the money I got I could even travel twice to Europe and travel around there. With Blaine of course. In the past weeks, after we told each other we loved the other things were even better. The feeling of being unfair was gone, the feeling of not giving enough or not being honest was gone. And since we were allowed to go out it was just... perfect. Life was a strange thing, I thought that night. My life was so dark, so pointless and such a mess when I met Blaine. Now it made just sense, now it was good and okay, sometimes we got caught by someone and Blaine smiled and walked away not saying anything but holding my hand. I checked articles about him each day and he kept his promise. He kept us both safe, paid them to not write lies or anything and also the fact that no one really gave a fuck about their wedding anymore made it just easier. Yes, life was good and I didn't even try to hide the smile on my face as I took another sip from my drink.

“Did I miss something?” Blaine asked me when he came back, his arms sliding around my body.

“No,” I placed my glass back on the bar: “I just thought about how perfect everything is.”

“I'm happy for you. You deserve the success,” he told me with this honest smile which made me weak.

“Sharing this with you makes it perfect.”

Blaine laughed, raising his eyebrows and held me a bit stronger: “You can be cheesy. And incredible lovely, you know?”

“Ugh... don't say that here. Others might hear it and think they can go away with everything.”

“So I'm the only one who gets to see this side of you?”

“The only one,” I answered blushing and kissed him lovingly. We both danced some more, talked with our friends and soon I asked him to go because I wanted to just go home and fall asleep in his arms, welcoming the weeks of no work, away from all the famous people, journalists and prepare everything for Christmas. Blaine agreed and we both left.

 

* * *

 

The thing was, just because I already had my break didn't mean Blaine was free too. He was busy, standing up early leaving, meeting me for lunch and then went again. Of course I wondered what he was doing because, he was rich, he didn't really need to work and his bar worked even without him being there all the night. Fashion was not his world and he ruined more than he fixed when he was around his parents designers. Though he told me he apologized for his behavior and soon they began to see the real Blaine Anderson, the dapper, charming and big heart Blaine Anderson. I wondered if he was always this person, even with Cyrus and as his mother called me – we slowly became friends after the whole fiasco – that yes, in fact Blaine was always like this. He turned into someone else when he and Rachel agreed to get married. Which wasn't surprising because he was gay, he didn't want to live a lie and then we both fell in love during that time. The first time I met his parents as his boyfriend was actually fine. All the fears and scenarios I came up with didn't happen. They welcomed me like an old friend and thanked me for making him happy, while they obviously couldn't do it. They talked about how hard it was to be famous and wear the right image and sacrifice a lot. Well, sacrificing his happiness or their sons happiness shouldn't be an option at all. I was just glad that this was over and we liked each other, also for Blaine's sake.

 

Still Cyrus didn't call them or anything. Sometimes I heard Blaine talking to his dad, reasoning that he didn't hear anything from his ex and that he shouldn't be worried something bad will happen. This topic made us all uncomfortable, nervous and no matter how often Blaine assured his dad to stay calm, he himself was tense and it needed a lot of hugs and kisses to calm him down. Then the time began when I saw Blaine only in the morning, shortly for lunch and late at night. There was nothing odd about it, not really but after a week I had a strange feeling something was off. Which scared me and made me insecure. I loved him, no doubt, but because I loved him it was even more fragile. Losing him, though there was no sign at all for this to happen, scared me. His lack of words made me insecure but when I asked he said he was only exhaust. After our confessions we were two love sick men, having sex whenever we could, kissing until we both felt drunk and always, always being close when the other was around. This suddenly stopped. Only a good morning kiss, a welcome back and see you later kiss and the sex turned into some handjobs and blowjobs. So I decided to make my own research because Blaine was obviously holding something back. Not that I didn't trust him or something, but I needed to know what was going on. First I thought maybe he was hurt because my life was going so well and he had nothing. Not really. Being rich, having a bar would never give you this feeling that you achieved something because you were talented or worked hard. Blaine never had to do this. He studied journalism and told me he wanted to try this but it was only mentioned once and then never again. The times he spent at his laptop and wrote something or read something were named as: I just want to see if I'm still able to write something good – or – I like to check new articles from new journalists. Something along those lines and then he would stare at his laptop and I could tell he was unhappy. Once I tried to talk about it but he asked me to leave it and I accepted his wish.

 

12 days before Christmas on a Saturday morning I decided to follow him. Constantly worrying and wondering what was going on drove me crazy and I just needed to make sure he was fine. After all, it was fucking Saturday. The day he usually didn't go anywhere. Wearing a hat and a black scarf I tried to... yeah to make myself basically invisible and sent a text to him asking where he was and when he would come back. He told me he was eating something before heading back home – Blaine basically moved in into my apartment – and I knew two places where he could be. Taking a cab I visited both restaurants but he wasn't there and before I would look for him for hours I asked him where he was and if I should meet him there. The answer came, with the name of the restaurant and told me there was no need to pick him up and I should save the money because he would drive with his own car back to me. The place was pretty close to where I already was and didn't even bother to take a cab and walked. For some reason I was nervous and maybe a little bit scared because his answer was short, without a smile, without the Blaine touch. He never answered me without a smile, or a x or anything sweet. He never answered my texts with simple words. Trying to calm myself down and finding simple excuses I reached the restaurant and looked inside, trying to not be suspicious and couldn't see him. Walking inside I felt like a creepy man, standing there and looking over the many tables just to find him and see him alive and okay. Regretting my decision, when I saw him, I walked quickly outside and looked through the window, pulling a newspaper out of my pocket to pretend to read something and watched him, sitting there with another guy, blond perfect styled hair, expensive clothes and a smug smile on his face which faded away as Blaine spoke. I had no idea who this guy was or what they talked about, but this was not the last time I should see Blaine meeting him. Since I wasn't working I followed Blaine from time to time and watched him meeting the same guy over and over again. They always talked, never touched never flirted, though the blond man was our age sometimes showed this smug smile, which made me furious. And every time I followed Blaine and saw them together I made sure to be home before him, pretending to know nothing but always asking if he had a good day. His answer was always the same, it was exhausting and I wondered what was exhausting.

 

Soon I couldn't help myself but think he was cheating on me. No one knew what they were doing behind walls where no one could see them. But why would he cheat on me? I doubted he was doing that because this was just not Blaine. No, what really hurt was that he didn't tell me about it. I asked him to tell me what was going on in his life when I wasn't around, after all, I wanted to be a part of his life. Completely. But he said nothing and while I dreamed about our first Christmas Eve together – which should have been beautiful and lovely - I felt numb and alone although he was there with me. He was decorating the tree, humming to some Christmas songs and placing the gifts under the tree while I made myself busy with cooking, thinking about how it would only be the two of us because I told my dad I wanted to be with Blaine alone for a while but we would visit him as soon as we could. Now I blamed myself for doing this because I was unsure what would happen until midnight. Would I snap? Yell? Fight with him? I really didn't want that to happen. Why was it that, when we were okay and happy that something like this had to happen? Was it too much to ask for no drama, no fights? And why was he meeting the same guy over and over again and never spoke about it? It felt like everything was going back to where it began. We've reached our happy moment and now he was doing the same... the same thing he did, the same thing Peter did and it hurt. My hands began to shake and the spoon fell down. I jumped, heard Blaine walking into the kitchen and picking the spoon up, giving me his questioning look.

“What's wrong? You are shaking,” he said quietly and when he touched my arm and felt how tense I was, how much I was shaking Blaine's expression changed into pure worry. I expected to see panic, to see something that told me he was hiding something from me. But no, he only looked worried and a bit helpless and I started to cry out of fear this would turn out into another Peter story.

“I... I saw you, Blaine. With the same guy over and over again.”

Blaine blinked while I pressed my palm against my forehead: “Please don't tell me you are cheating on me.”

“What? No! Of course not!”

“Why don't you talk to me? I was worried because you were so... strange and I needed to follow you and... saw you two,” my words died out as I began to sob, ugly sobbing and he pulled me into his arms, squeezing me tightly.

“Oh Kurt. No, I'll never cheat on you. I love you, how could I do that to the person I love?”

“Peter did,” I sobbed and wiped my tears away. For a second he looked surprised, then angry and then worried again. Yeah, I never told him that Peter actually did that. He cheated on me the day before our wedding, telling me he was unsure and needed to figure out if it was what he truly wanted. I wasn't really angry about the cheating at first, because he ruined my wedding, our wedding later though, when it really hit me what he had done to me I began my miserable life, with staying at home, crying and do all these terrible things to me.

“But I'm not Peter, Kurt. I'm Blaine who loves you so much that when I would ever hurt you it would hurt myself even more.”

He pressed his lips against mine, through tears and sniffles, kissed my cheek, my eyebrow and slowly I rested my head on his shoulder, forgetting the cooking. Crying for a while I let him hold me, soothing me and then he took my hand, turning the oven down, the stove and we went to the living room, settling down. His warm fingers wipe the last tears away, smiling and looking into my eyes and I saw that he was sorry.

“I will never cheat on you, Kurt. Never. Don't ever think that.”

“But... who is this guy you were seeing in the past days and didn't tell me about it.”

He sighed, long and deep and his smile was gone while his eyes looked away. Unsure if this was good or bad I decided to wait until he spoke.

“It was Cyrus.”

“Cyrus?” I echoed his name and suddenly all the worry, all the hurt was gone and I stopped feeling and thinking for a while.

“My dad went crazy, like you know, and I called him, knowing where he was working and we met and... talked,” his hands ran over his face, showing me how hard it was to talk about it or to meet with him, the person who ruined his life, almost.

“I... I didn't want you to know this or meet him. And I didn't want you to feel like I keep you out of my life again. Because I don't do and want that.”

“But we agreed on helping each other. We both could work against him, Blaine. We could throw just as much dirt on him like he did it to you.”

Blaine shook is head and gave me a pleading look: “I know we could but I don't want that. I want him out of our life. I want only you, only us and I want to deal with this alone until it's done.”

His words ran through my mind, over and over again until I understood them. Blaine wasn't just protecting me and us, he was doing something, working at something and I was no part of it. Maybe this was one of those things a person needed to do alone, without friends, family or even their partner. Which meant that it wasn't important what I thought or wanted and it wasn't my place to stay with him. Of course I didn't like it. I almost let the anger take control over me and call him out but I nodded. After all, Blaine was still a free person, still himself and could do what he wanted. What was left for me was trusting him and I did that. I trusted and loved him so much.

“Is it done? Whatever you are doing?”

“Almost. Don't worry and don't... don't think I'll cheat on you or don't want you. I love you, so much, and I do this for us so that soon, very soon he'll be out of our life. And I promise I won't do anything stupid, I won't ruin anything and if I feel like I can't handle this alone, I'll come running to you.”

There was nothing left for me but agree on this and trust him. I needed to give him all my trust, all my love and stop looking for a reason to break up, for something wrong. I needed to trust him completely so I wouldn't sit here, worry, make stuff up and be angry with him or sad. But it was hard to give him this trust because I knew how much it hurt if he broke it. My sanity was a bitch and my heart was beating for him.

“Okay,” I whispered and wrapped my arms around his neck.

“Thank you,” he whispered back, holding me and pressing a kiss on my cheek: “I love you. I really do.”

“I love you too,” I mumbled against his shoulder.

 

* * *

 

Christmas turned out to be incredible. After our talk I promised myself to give him my trust, to let him do what he thought he needed to do. But in the end he would come back to me, smile at me, kiss me and love me. And how he loved me. That night, when he told me about Cyrus – which should have been a total turn off – he made sure to show me how much he loved me and that he wasn't lying and worth being trusted. His kisses were deeper than ever before, his hands somehow making me crazy with each touch and when he blew me, and opened me up it was like he tried to suck the dark thoughts out of me and fill those empty places with pleasure and love. I was moaning, deep and long and probably came three times before he even entered me. But Blaine was just the same. For some reason we couldn't stop, were never sated and never tired of kissing, touching and making love. Of course the next day we were too tired to do anything and only left the bed when he had to. Day by day passed and we easily fell back into being us. Teasing, laughing, smiling and not one single worry was bothering us. We took a walk through New York, visited our friends and the evening was only for us. We fell back into the domestic life I wanted so much to share with him and Blaine, clearly more comfortable and relieved after he told me about Cyrus, wanted just the same.

Yes, it was a good decision to trust him.

And it was even better for our sex life.

 

Sure I liked it when we made love, sweet, lovely sex. Yet, knowing what Blaine could do and say, like the first time we slept with each other, made me insanely horny and desperate for exactly this. So one day before New Years eve I wanted exactly this to happen. I wanted Blaine to stop being so dapper and the gentlemen and get dirty. Everything was planned and bought for New Years Eve and no one would visit us and we had no where to be that night. So I wrapped my arms around his shoulder from behind, kissing his ear and taking the book out of his hands, which he was reading on the couch.

“It's still early, you want to sleep already?” he giggled and turned his head so he could place a kiss on my lips.

“No,” I said low and slow, my hands running down his chest, slowly and humming in a, what I hoped, sensual way: “I actually have better plans.”

Taking a sharp breath Blaine's hands rested on mine, running slowly up and down his chest while his head leaned back on my shoulder.

“Remember our first night?” I asked while going lower, my fingers running over the waistband of his pajama pants: “When we were drunk and horny?”

Humming he licked his lips and kissed my jaw: “Of course. It was hot... so hot. But... our real first time will always be my favorite.”

“That's true,” I sighed, stopping my hands as my fingers slipped under his waistband and pressed my lips against his ear, whispering hotly: “Though I miss it sometimes.”

Blaine swallowed, letting a small moan out and smirked at me: “Are you asking me to get dirty with you?”

Smiling I pulled my hand slowly from under his waistband and stroked over his clothed, hardening cock: “I wouldn't say no.”

He turned around, with dark, lust blown eyes and kissed me fiercely, pulling me closer and I climbed over the couch, kneeling with him and just kissing while we both undressed each other.

“I knew you liked it,” Blaine said his voice lower like never before: “The way you let me touch you and begged for more. You were trusting me back then.”

While his touch and his voice made me shaking with arousal I knew he was right. I trusted Blaine back then and was ready to sleep with him though it seemed to be wrong. It was thrilling, no need to lie and now it was just more thrilling because we were together, loving and completely trusting each other.

“So,” he groaned, as we both were naked and his hands grabbed my ass, squeezing it tight and I whimpered with the need for just more: “What do you want, Kurt?”

My mind wasn't coherent and my hands running through his hair, down to his neck and my lips still close to his, moving my ass further into his hands.

“Finger me, rim me.. anything.”

Blaine moaned a low 'oh my god' and turned me around, pressing my chest against the back of the couch and kissing down my spine. Each kiss send another shot of heat, need, pure lust right to my cock, to my entrance waiting for Blaine to just do something there.

“Your skin is so beautiful,” he groaned, kissing deeper down and when I felt his lips near the crack of my ass I cried out and felt his hands spreading my cheeks: “And your... hole just waiting for me to lick it, finger it or put my tongue inside.”

“Oh fuck...”

“You want that? My tongue?”

“Yes! God! Do it!”

And Blaine gave me just that, running his tongue over and over over my entrance, opening me up, fucking me with it and then he replaced his tongue with his fingers, first one, two and then three and turned me into a moaning mess. This was definitely better then the last time. My hands clutched the couch wherever they could as I fell forward, pressed against the cushions, feeling his fingers and tongue opening me up. Oh god, this was indescribable. I just moaned, moaned like never before in my life and pushed back wanting more.

“So filthy and eager. I know my fingers and tongue aren't enough, hm? Am I right?”

Words where no part of my mind right now. Even when I tried to say something I only moaned, groaned but I nodded looking over my shoulder when my body got a bit of the strength back and saw him, panting, eyes dark, so dark and staring at my hole then at my eyes when he felt I was watching him. Then he smirked, leaning closer and placing a kiss on my shoulder, while his hand wrapped around my throbbing cock, leaking with pre-come.

“Want me to fuck you, baby? Feeling my cock inside you?”

Trying not to whimper I nodded and he let go off my cock, feeling how close I already was and bringing his fingers back to my entrance, slowly shoving them inside and while I was still kneeling, open and taking his fingers he leaned forward, kissing me deep and moaning with me.

“B-Blaine... _oh god_!” I cried before he kissed me again, running his fingers over and over again over the right spot and I broke the kiss before I lost it, pleading: “Fuck me, please. But-” I swallowed, closing my eyes and taking a shaking breath: “Without a condom. I really want to feel _you_.”

Humming he leaned back, bending down to the table and opening the drawer – we left the lube there – and stood behind me, pulling his fingers out and pouring the lube on his hand and slicking himself up. I faced away, feeling his slick fingers running over my hole and before I could complain or beg for more he slowly entered me.

“Oh fuck, baby,” he moaned, going deeper and deeper and it drove me crazy. This was him, nothing between us, no fabric, no latex, nothing and my eyes rolled back trying not to come.

“So good... so fucking good,” he groaned, his mouth ghosting over the skin of my back and then he began to move whispering all these dirty things to me, letting his hands run over my skin before he held my hips and moved faster, skin smacking against skin and each moan lower than the other. I smiled in pleasure, feeling tears behind my eyelids because it was so good and so much, almost too much but I wanted it. I wanted this, I wanted the sweet sex, the kisses, hugs, everything and just with Blaine. Forever with Blaine.

 

* * *

 

“If you don't sing with me, Kurt Hummel, after everything I did for you two, I swear to god,” a not so sober Rachel Berry said to me across the table, while Finn patted her back.

“I'll sing with you, later. Okay?” I said knowing she won't be able to sing later or doing something else and just forget it if she kept drinking like that. Finn told her to take a break because it was New Years Eve and he wanted her to remind their midnight kiss. It was like he pushed the right button and Rachel smiled at him, placing a kiss on his lips and he pulled back: “Not now.”

We laughed while the party around us kept on running. There weren't only people we knew but we saved some tables only for us. One after another went to the stage, picking their songs and singing, sometimes well, sometimes drunk and sometimes not so well. But it was good, perfect with Blaine next to me and our friends with us.

“So, let's talk about what we expect from the new year and what we want to do,” Mercedes said and also began: “I expect that our agency will become pretty famous and I wish to finally meet the man of my dreams, just like Kurt did.”

I groaned and Blaine laughed, placing a hand on my back as I covered my face inside my hands hiding the deep blush. All these cheesy things they could say without a hesitation and not even blush, I wondered how they were able to do that? Okay, fine, I said some cheesy things to but Blaine knew how hard it was for me.

“I'm going to take a break next year and expect for Finn and me to get married.”

There was a round of 'oooooh' going around the table and Santana smirked at Finn: “You better come up with something amazing.”

Finn only swallowed, smiling with wide eyes and turning pale while Rachel leaned against him.

“So, I expect the same about our workplace and wish to become deputy boss, Hummel.”

She gave me a look and I rolled my eyes, smirking and we laughed for no real reason. They shared their wishes for a while, drinking, laughing and I listened to them, holding Blaine's hand and runnin my thumb over his skin while he leaned against my shoulder. I expected the same for 'Hummel Weddings' but what I wished for? My wish was sitting right next to me and only he could make it come true. But I wouldn't share this with all of them, only with him. When the time was right. They were excitedly talking about something – Rachel's loud voice dragged me out of my thoughts – and before I figured out what it was Blaine squeezed my hand and I turned my head looking at his lovely smile.

“Come. Dance with me,” he whispered and I followed him, holding his hand and listening to the song. Oh God... oh my fucking god. In each situation I had rolled my eyes and turned away. It was just that this was Blaine, romantic and handsome Blaine who could smile like a child about the tiniest things. Beaming at me he pulled me close as we reached the dance floor and I shook my head, hearing him giggling.

“Seriously?” I said as we began to slow dance.

“You love it, don't deny it.”

And I did. I loved everything that had to do with him and I loved him. Slowly my arms wrapped around his neck, his arms around my body and holding each other close. There were other people around us, couples, dancing as we did. Though my mind wasn't there. I was only here, focused on Blaine on us and smiled as he leaned his forehead against mind and sang along.

 

_Wise men say only fools rush in  
but I can't help falling in love with you _

 

Trying not to laugh I bit my lip, just like he did. This, exactly this was how it all began between us. Rushing into something but not being able to help ourselves but to fall in love.

 

 _Shall I stay_  
would it be a sin  
If I can't help falling in love with you 

 

He pulled back, spinning me slowly and pulling me back close. We both grinning like lovesick people.

 

 _Like a river flows surely to the sea_  
Darling so it goes  
Some things are meant to be

 

He kissed me sweetly after those words and yes, yes... this was so true because we were. We just were meant to be.

 

_Take my hand, take my whole life too  
For I can't help falling in love with you _

 

I rested my head on his shoulder, holding him closer and kept my eyes closed, listening to him humming, feeling his warm hands holding me just as close and forgetting everything, anyone and breathing all this in. Some things were just clear, simple despite all the mess that was around us or what other people thought, or even how our story began. We, Blaine, our future, it was clear and so simple. We were meant to be.

 

 _Like a river flows surely to the sea_  
Darling so it goes  
some things are meant to be  
take my hand, take my whole life too  
for I can't help falling in love with you  
for I can't help falling in love with you 

 

Moving my head back to look into his eyes all I could see was the warm golden color, shining at me, for me with so much love and so much honesty and I hoped, I really wished I was able to look at him just the same way. And judging by his smile I probably managed that.

“Boys! The countdown!” Mercedes called and we left the bar with everyone else, walking outside into the cold, snow covered streets and saw more people, heard them counting and then when they all shouted zero the fireworks began and music and there was so much laughing, so many smiled but my lips were glued on Blaine's, right at the moment when they said zero and we didn't stop kissing. His fingers on the back of head, digging through my hair he held me close and I cupped is face, kissing and kissing and enjoying it so much because this was how our year began, with a kiss full of love. Then he wrapped his arms around me once again, lifting me up and I yelped when I lost the ground under my feet but laughed with Blaine as he spun us around.

“Silly, let me down!”

“You are no fun,” laughing he let me down and kissed me again: “But I love you, Kurt Hummel. Happy new year.”

“I love you too, Blaine Anderson. Happy new year.”

Then I heard our friends laughing, turned around and got pulled into one hug after another wishing

us a happy new year and people began to dance on the streets, strangers wished us a happy new year and walked through the crowd, wanting to go back inside because Santana kept on saying 'shots, shots, shots'. I followed Mercedes, feeling Blaine's hand holding mine so we wouldn't get lost. I looked around, making sure no one of us was behind and saw someone that I first thought it was just my imagination. Blinking I looked again, and again and stood still until his eyes met mine and I froze. This face... I hadn't seen this face in a while and actually I thought I forgot how he looked like because I threw all the photos away and even deleted them from my phone and laptop. Yet he was there, his hair shorter but he was there and looking at me with no shock at all. Peter stood there like he knew he would meet me here.

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

 

Chapter 16. Proud Part 1

 

I wasn't sure how long I stood there and stared at my ex-boyfriend who just stared back at me. But I knew it were only seconds which felt like hours. With time the face a person you once knew fades away and sometimes it was a good thing and sometimes it was a bad thing. I remembered how scared I was to forget my mothers face one day. Luckily this never had happened. But I wished I'd forget Peter's face so whenever he would walk pass me or stay in front of me I'd would go on or look away because he was a stranger. Unfortunately this wasn't the case. Peter was there, dark brown hair, stubble, green eyes, body and face like a model. Not that this was ever important to me but many people described him that way. Blaine was smaller, compact and just adorable at times. He could be a puppy while Peter was more like a cat. A dark one and bringing bad luck into my life whenever he crossed my way. That was the first thought I noticed when I was able to think again. There were still people around us, still laughing, celebrating but for me time froze. Peter's eyes were just focused on me, clear green, no blinking, but telling me that he knew I would be here and also, regret?

“Kurt?”

I felt him squeezing my hand, heard this beloved voice close to my ear and making me forget for one second who I had seen. Facing Blaine I saw the concern in his face and cocked my head, trying to hide my fear, confusion and probably anger. Oh yes, definitely anger.

“Is there something?” Blaine asked, standing on his toes and looking over the crowd like he would know what I was looking at. But he had no idea how Peter looked like and I had no idea if I should even bother him with this. I was with him, I loved Blaine and there was no one and nothing that could change that. So why even bother him? At the same time I knew Peter wasn't just here by accident, not with this look. By any chance Peter would follow me inside for whatever reason and I seriously didn't want that to happen. I wanted to dance with him, laugh, celebrate with our friends and no worries.

“It's nothing,” I smiled and gave him a short kiss: “Let's go back inside.”

Blaine tried to read my face, eventually he nodded, smiled and told me with this that he would listen as soon as I was ready to talk about it. And I would tell Blaine about it as soon as the moment was right.

 

We were dancing and drinking some more and though I was a bit scared to meet Peter inside the bar it didn't happen. Still I was vigilant and when Blaine noticed that I wasn't really there we both decided to go home. It was the best decision we both could make because, as soon as we were inside my apartment I relaxed and only wanted to fall in my bed and feel my boyfriend close to me. It helped to forget that I'd seen my ex though I had other plans for the new year. Plans which for sure didn't include our ex boyfriends. The new year started with Blaine, with a kiss, with a hug and happiness and I wanted it to stay that way. I wanted our life to be forever like this and after two weeks of nothing but us and our work I told myself that I only imagined Peter standing there. Maybe it wasn't even him but someone who looked like Peter.

 

* * *

 

“Hey,” Blaine smiled at me as he walked inside my office, a Starbucks bag in his hand, cheeks red from the cold outside. For a 25 year old man he looked pretty young in his hat and scarf and this wide smile on his face. Yes, my boyfriend could be the most adorable person ever and because of that he made me feel all these butterflies in my belly and almost made me giggle.

“I was surprised you seriously found time to meet with me for lunch,” he said and before he took his coat off he walked up to me, giving me a short kiss and placed the bag on my desk.

“Sorry. Everything is just crazy. So many weddings to plan it's just... crazy.”

Oh, it was. Of course it was also fun but it was also eating my time. During the day I stood up pretty early, made sure to meet Blaine for lunch – which not always worked out – and back home we both were mostly too exhausted to do anything. Especially the days when Blaine didn't stay at my place or I at his. Saturday was usually our lazy day or the day we both finished what wasn't done during the week and the evening and whole Sunday belonged to us. It wasn't much time but it was better than nothing. I even thought about moving in with him together but... I was a bit scared to take this step. Sure we spent a lot of time together and we usually slept in the same bed, but it was different to actually live together as to have two places to go. It was not the same as living together. If I needed space or Blaine we both had our own apartment for ourselves and this wouldn't be anymore if we truly lived together. But I couldn't help myself and exactly think about that. Why not? It felt different compared to the time when Peter and I decided to live together. This time it just felt like the right thing.

I took the two cups out of the bag and bagels, two for me and two for Blaine while he placed a chair next to mine and sat down, wearing a happy smile on his face. One that had nothing to do with me I could tell.

“Care to tell me what makes you so happy?”

He smiled even wider when he figured I could basically read his face.

“Remember how I told you I want to give writing another chance?”

Nodding I took a sip from my coffee.

“I got a job at 'Life stories'. It's a magazine about, well, life. They write about anything. How a couple met, how people made it out of the poor, all these amazing stories which give people hope and make them smile. But they also write about people who aren't good.”

“Okay?”

“Wait, it's not like gossip. It's more like people come to them and tell them about the injustice that happened to them. And they make sure it's true. It helped a lot of people and I want to do that too, help people.”

Blaine and digging through bad stuff and call people out? Not that I couldn't imagine that because each person was capable of doing anything. It was just not Blaine. He would cut off his right hand before he would hurt someone, even if the person was guilty. Like his ex.

“That's great, honey. But you want to write about those bad guys or?”

“I can decide what story I want to go after. And I really want to do this. That's why I studied journalism.”

All I could do was smile and feel incredible proud. The boy who lived from the money his grandmother left and didn't know where he belonged to, fashion or a bar – which both were only a distraction for him for sure – finally found his passion. Leaning over I kissed him and smiled: “I'm happy for you.”

Blaine smiled back, blushing and we began to eat and talk about the day. I told him about this crazy women Miss Tomason who made my success even possible, but still she was just crazy. Lovely crazy but also exhausting. She had all these crazy ideas about a spectacular wedding and some weren't just physically possible. Or her ideas about which colors fit good together. Even Santana found it hard to talk with her but in the end she agreed with us, after hours and hours of discussing stuff. After two hours Blaine had to go and even after months of being together it was hard for me to let that happen. Sometimes I wished he would just stay here but this was unfair. I would be busy and he bored. However, now he had his job and one that made him happy which made me happy.

“Are you coming over tonight?” I asked him as I wrapped his scarf around his neck.

“You want me to?” Blaine wiggled his eyebrows and I rolled my eyes. Adorable idiot.

“I want to talk about something,” and while I spoke his face fell: “No, it's nothing bad. Don't worry.”

“Well, you made me worried now.”

“There is no need to,” I smiled, kissed him sweetly and felt how he relaxed: “I promise. It's nothing bad. Actually, I hope it will make you even more happy.”

“Okay,” he answered because he trusted me.

We shared some more kisses, giggled as Santana knocked against my door - so hard that I feared it would break - and pulled apart. He left and she came inside, rolling her eyes at my stupid grin.

“I hope you cleaned up your mess. The costumers won't approve any semen on their chairs.”

“We weren't... god, whatever;” I stopped defending as she smirked.

“I only wanted to tell you that-”

“Kurt!”

We both looked out of my office just to see Mercedes basically running to us, not smiling, not scared just... unreadable. Behind her we saw another person and before I noticed who it was I heard Santana hissing _'no. fucking. Way. Shit!'_ and then my mind worked again. It was the same guy, the same eyes, same face, same short hair. Peter. Painfully I realized he was real when I saw him at the bar while we all were celebrating the new year.

“What does he want here?” Santana hissed at Mercedes who shook her head.

“I don't know. I told him to go but he wouldn't listen.”

I saw how Santana slowly but surely turned into the high school girl she once was, ready to snap, ready to call people out on their shit. Then there was Mercedes, giving her not approving look towards him and before I could stop the words they came out of my mouth: “I handle it.”

“What? Kurt, he doesn't even deserve your attention.”

“Santana is right.”

I knew they were right. I knew Peter didn't deserve anything from me. No attention, no ear, nothing. After what he did. Of course not. But I also knew Peter and when he was here it could only mean that he wanted to apologize. At least I thought that. He came closer and I was ready to feel nervous to feel scared, anything, but all I could do was stare and think about the last time I saw him. The night before our wedding.

“Santana. Mercedes,” he said, voice just as deep as I remembered and my friends left, slowly, always looking back until it was just me and my ex in my office. I gave him one look, one that should tell him that I was still angry, that I didn't approve him being here and he gave me this look back, that he understood. Walking back to my desk I leaned against it, made a gesture with my hand that he could sit if he wanted to.

“Thanks, Kurt,” he said and hearing him saying my name did something strange to me. I haven't heard him saying my name for a long time.

“I don't have much time,” I started to explain and went back behind my desk, sitting down and looked at him. It was really... odd. Peter only looked back, not smiling, not angry just looked back.

“I read about your success. Congrats, I knew you would make it.”

“Please, just... don't, okay? We both know what happened. So tell me what you want so we can both move on.”

Seriously? I had better things to do. Instead of spending my time here with him, the one who ruined my wedding, who hurt me so bad and opened the way to misery I could be with Blaine. Hell, Blaine could have been here a while longer.

“Honestly? I have no idea.”

“You are kidding me, right?”

He shrugged and I felt anger running through my bones.

“First I wanted to apologize. But I guess you don't want to hear that.”

I scoffed. Yeah, that was the last thing I wanted or needed.

“But I want to make this right, Kurt. I knew it was wrong and I hurt you. You know I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Well, you did, Peter. You did a pretty good job.”

“I know. I know what I did. But I want to make this right. To... be friends again, you know?”

“Friends?” I felt like I was in a bad movie: “You want to be friends again? Just so you know, I have a boyfriend. If that's what you-”

“No, Kurt. I'm not here to win you back or anything. I just feel... horrible, okay?”

“Horrible!?” I couldn't hold it back any longer. All the anger I felt just came out of my mouth: “Have you any idea how I felt? What I've been through? Misery, Peter. Plain misery. My friends needed to drag me out of my apartment and make me work because all I did is crying and feeling sorry for myself. You ruined everything. Everything because you were scared? You know what, I was scared too but if I had any doubt I would have told you about it and not walk around and cheat on you!”

“I said I'm sorry, okay? And it's not like I told you to live in misery, Kurt. You decided to live in misery! Sure What I was the trigger, maybe I was but this is your life and you decide what you do! And I want to fix it, okay! At least this is something you can give me some credit for!”

“Credit for? For what?! For realizing after more than a year that what you did is a horrible?! You are fucking kidding me!”

Our faces were filled with anger, blind, deep anger and it took a lot to not lose control over ourselves. But I was angry, so angry because I never got the chance to talk to him, tell him what I thought, how I've felt. Never. And than he sat there, saying he wanted to fix things and I couldn't be calm.

“You know what?! Forget it,” he said, holding his hands up in defeat and stood up, pulling a business card out of his pocket and placing it down on my desk: “If you want to talk, call me. If not that just throw it away.”

And then he left, slamming the door shut and I grabbed some papers and threw them through my office, taking a pillow and muffling the scream that came out of my mouth.

 

* * *

 

Back home and opening the door to my apartment I felt completely exhausted. My head hurt, my feet hurt, everything hurt and it felt like I needed another week off. Or at least a weekend, but this was still three days away from me. Walking inside I smelled food, something nice and also saw something nice standing in my kitchen. Blaine, in just a t-shirt, pajama pants, hair curly and glasses on his nose. There he was, my soon-famous-journalist and after hours of being angry I finally found some peace and smiled.

“Hey stranger,” I said after getting out of my shoes and coat.

He turned around, smiling and then staring at me with a worried look.

“You look... exhausted but... not like you always do.”

Sighing I walked right into his outstretched arms, falling into the embrace and feeling slightly better. Whatever Peter wanted or said, this, right here was all I needed and wanted. He could keep all his ass excuses and wanting to be friends again for himself. I didn't need more trouble in my life or bad memories. And Peter could do that. He could turn into trouble, bring bad memories back or create new one. Though, knowing he wasn't a bad person and really didn't want to hurt me changed nothing. Stubborn, maybe I was just stubborn.

“Want to tell me while we eat?” Blaine asked after kissing my cheek: “I was too busy to cook something so I bought some chinese food on my way here.”

“That's totally fine,” I said and pulled back, looking into his eyes: “I'll just change into something more comfortable, okay?”

He nodded and took the food with him to the living room while I changed into my own pajamas and joined Blaine on the couch, not paying attention to whatever was on TV. We ate in silence for a while, I more digging into my food than eating.

“Remember how I told you I saw nothing on new years eve? When we were outside?”

“Yeah. You were pretty distracted and looked like... I don't know, like if you'd seen a ghost.”

“That's... close. I thought I saw Peter.”

Blaine stopped eating, his huge eyes staring at me quizzically.

“And he was there?”

“First I thought it was just my imagination or something. I mean... why? Why would he'd been there? So I told myself it was just someone who looked like him. But... he came to my office today.”

“Okay,” Blaine mumbled and looked back into his almost empty takeout box. Again we were silent and than Blaine found his voice again, trying to sound like it didn't bother him at all: “What for though?”

“Something about that he wants to fix what he did and become friends again. Well, all we did is yelling at each other. It's stupid, seriously. After he cheated on me and dumped me on our wedding I haven't seen him again and... I just got so angry and he too and we were yelling at each other which was... good at some point. Just to let it out but now I feel just exhausted and hope he'll never show up again. He even left his fucking business card so I could call him if I wanted to talk. Pah, not gonna happen.”

Within my anger I pulled the business card out of my wallet and handed it to Blaine. I began to eat to swallow my anger down with my food and tried not to think about what happened some hours ago. It was only a waste of energy and I was already exhausted. Blaine though had other things on his mind and took me by surprise.

“Maybe you should give it a try?”

“Blaine, you know what he did.”

My boyfriend sighed and placed his empty box down on the coffee table.

“I know that,” he began while looking down at his hands: “But you said he wanted to fix things, right? So maybe... you should give him this chance. You gave me one too and maybe he'll turn out into a good friend?”

He was kidding me, right? Why would my boyfriend suggest to give my ex a chance to become my friend again? Or at least let him explain stuff?

“I gave you a second chance because I love _you_. I knew I would never be able to walk away from you just like that.”

Only a small smile was on his lips: “I just think it would be fair, you know? I doubt he was a bad guy when you were ready to marry him, right?”

Of course not. Peter was awesome. A guy with a big heart and smart and I really loved him but not anymore. He hurt me and walked away not making sure if I was alright. Like a coward he walked away and left me there, completely heartbroken. Still I nodded because he was right.

“Just give him a chance and let him explain.”

“Why are you doing this? He is my ex.”

Blaine shrugged, still not looking at me.

“He is also a person with feelings and I understand him in some way,” he explained and put the business card down on the table: “And I think it'll help you both to find some closure. Then you still can decide what you want to do.”

He made too much sense and also he was acting strange. I knew he cared about people but this was my ex and why would my boyfriend want me too meet my ex?

“Honestly, Blaine. Shouldn't you be jealous or forbid me to see him?”

He laughed, not with his heart, just shortly and like he was... sad?

“He is a part of your life. I can't force you to not see someone and I don't want to. I trust you and as long as you want me I'll stay.”

“Does this have something to do with you meeting Cyrus?”

I couldn't help myself but feel this way. Maybe he tried to fix this because he was meeting Cyrus and hiding it from me and now, by giving me the advice to meet Peter and fix things he wanted to be even with me?

“No. I know Cyrus is a bad person. I knew it from the beginning but I never thought he would do that to me. I just think you should give it a try before you regret it.”

Silence and my mind was running. Maybe I should at least hear him out and give him this chance but what for? Did I need him as a friend? I had friends, amazing friends and he was once a friend too, helping me a lot because he was a set designer which was what brought us pretty close. We both loved to talk about colors, decoration, fashion. We had a connection but not like the one I had with Blaine.

“You told me he was a lot like me and you love me, so maybe you'll like him again. He seems to be a nice guy.”

With a small groan I leaned my head back, put the box between us and ran my hands down my face. He had a point, a good one because yes, there was this one really bad time but Peter had been an amazing friend.

“Okay, I try. But if he'll hurt me again you'll have to buy me ice cream and give me a lot of cuddles and kisses.”

Finally he gave me an honest smile and looked at me, eyes glassy, huge and okay, this was not really okay. What was wrong?

“I'll do that.”

His look worried me, really worried me. Blaine looked like he was about to cry and I couldn't figure out why. Or maybe he was just tired because his eyes also became glassy when he was tired. Either way I leaned closer to him, sharing a long simple kiss and leaned my forehead against his: “I love you.”

He hummed, kissed me again and asked: “You wanted to talk about something. I guess it wasn't this?”

“No,” I whispered, feeling still a bit worried but calmer than before. I put my box next to Blaine's, moved closer and took his hand in mine, running my thumb gently over his skin.

“I wanted to ask you if you... like to move in here. With me. Or your place. I mean we basically live together but it would be easier for us. And I... I really want that.”

Ugh, suddenly I felt really nervous that he might say no or think we couldn't make it or weren't there yet. Maybe it was just me who felt that way and he wanted to wait and see for some more months? Uh... no. Blaine could say all this romantic stuff and make me blush like a teenager or turn me into a puddle of goo when he gave me one of his _'this is why I love you'_ speeches.

“I would love to, baby,” he whispered and kissed my temple, nuzzling his nose against it: “But let's talk about it after you met Peter, alright? Also we should go to sleep.”

“Okay,” I smiled peacefully and watched him standing up.

 

* * *

 

I followed Blaine's advice three days later and agreed to meet Peter the following week. He said he was happy and proud but I could tell he wasn't really happy. Something was off and I had no idea what it was. After I told him about Peter Blaine began to be distant. He still smiled at me, still cuddled with me and kissed me but he stopped talking like he used to. Usually he shared anything with me, no matter how silly it was. Before we went to sleep we usually had sex or at least a handjob, blowjob or any kind of touch that gave us pleasure. Even this stopped for the next days and when I asked him if everything was alright he said yes. I asked him if it was Cyrus, or his new work or his parents, damn I even called his mother and she said things were just fine. So I had no idea what it was. It was not possible that it could be Peter. Eventually it was Blaine who gave me the advice. He thought it was a great idea. Then I thought maybe he was sick? Something serious? But all he did was laughing and calming me down that no, he was okay but maybe too exhausted to do anything at all. I was sure he wasn't lying but something was no right and when the day came when I met Peter for _'the talk'_ I was in a really bad mood.

 

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

 

Chapter 17. Successful

 

I decided to meet Peter in public. Not because I was unsure what would happen behind doors, but because I needed space. A lot of space so that I had the opportunity to just leave and go far far away. I also picked a coffee shop with no memories, with no special meaning which would of course change after our talk. Walking inside I already saw him, sitting next to the window with a cup of coffee or tea. Gathering all my courage and all my sanity I walked up to him and nodded when our eyes met, slowly sitting down across him. We were silent, waiting for the waitress and when my coffee order came I watched Peter running his finger absently along rim of his cup, probably searching for words or waiting for me to say something. Luckily he broke the silence.

“Look, Kurt. I don't want to fight with you, but I understand that you are angry. I would be angry and hurt too.”

I nodded.

“But I'm really sorry and I know this won't change what happened or what you'd been through.”

“No, Peter. It won't change what happened. But I still don't understand what you want from me. You said you want to be my friend again but I'm not sure I want that.”

No, not really. I thought it would be easier to just let him go and forget him and focus on the stuff that made me happy. With Blaine walking into my life and find a love, I never felt before, I knew I only needed this. My job, him and a life together. Peter looked down, staring at his cup and just now I saw that he did change. The last time I saw him he looked younger, his eyes were wilder and he usually laughed about really silly things. He of course was an adult, acted mature when needed but at times he could be such a kid. It was a side of him I enjoyed a lot because we had a lot of fun together. I didn't need someone who took himself too serious.

“We were friends before we were a couple. And we were friends even when we were together. I really miss this,” he began to explain and looked at me again: “I miss my friend. Just someone to talk about our jobs, laugh about all the stuff only we understand. And knowing that I hurt not only the person I loved but also my friend is something I can't live with and want to fix it.”

I said nothing, seeing that he wasn't finished.

“I know what I did is bad. I know I can't change it or undo it. And I know that it was also wrong to just run away and not make sure if you were okay. I know all of that and I'm really sorry. Of course I told myself it would be better to stay away, to never see you again. But I can't. I changed, Kurt, just like you did.”

“How do you know that though? It's not like we've seen or heard anything from each other for more than a year.”

Peter smiled, took a sip and kept on smiling. It wasn't a warm smile, it was also no sad smile. It was one of those which told me that he knew something. Something good.

“That's true. But I saw you with your boyfriend and I can tell you've changed. The Kurt I knew preferred to stay single if he ever got hurt the way I hurt you. Also the way you look at your boyfriend, your smile, eyes, everything. You never looked this happy with me.”

I almost blushed because yeah, I was crazy about Blaine but at the same time I didn't want people to see this. Well, Peter was not a part of some people. He knew me, the old me.

“And, I guess, us breaking up, though the way was horrible was a good thing in the end. You found someone special and it's making me happy to see you being happy. That's all I wanted. Really.”

“Thanks. But,” I swallowed collecting myself and spoke again: “Can you tell me why you did it?”

He waited for a while, his eyes focused on the cup and I knew he was thinking, collection himself and then he explained.

“I didn't want to hurt you, Kurt. I really didn't. I was just unsure, you know? Getting married is a huge step and I wasn't sure if we were meant to be, if I was ready or if I could be what you wanted. I did this out of desperation. I cheated on you just to... be sure? I really don't know. But after I did it.... I knew I was not the one you should be with.”

Sanity told me that I should forgive him, accept what he was saying and move on. Peter was no person who hurt people on purpose. He was, just like me, a human being and dealing with life itself. Still, I was unsure if being friends again was a good thing. I had no idea what Blaine would think about it or what it would to do me.

“I just want my friend back. I'm sure you remember how much fun we had together and all the stuff. I want to fix it to feel okay again and also to help you. I know this sounds wrong, but, I want to show you that, though we have to go through bad things, they can turn out into good things.”

I waited for a while when he stopped speaking and waited for my answer. There were many things speaking against it like, seeing him would be the constant reminder of what he did to me and how much it broke me. Then I thought about what Blaine said, to give my ex a chance – which was odd coming from my current boyfriend – but then... it was Peter who was no bad person. He never was.

“Blaine actually gave me the advice to come here and talk. He thought it would be one of those things I'll regret not doing sooner or later.”

Peter smiled, only a small smile.

“Which doesn't mean that I can't think for myself.”

“I never said that. I know you have your own mind and you wouldn't be here if you weren't fine with it.”

“Yeah. Anyway, I'm not sure if this will work out. I guess we just wait and see. And of course I want you to meet Blaine. I don't want this to be like... Blaine has no idea who you are.”

“Sure.”

 

* * *

 

Deciding to wait and see was probably the smartest thing I had done. Otherwise I had promised something I could never keep. We agreed on calling each other and just talk or text each other. I wasn't ready to face him and doing this gave me the distance I needed to just focus on his person. It was really easier this way because seeing him still hurt and I couldn't focus on who he was inside. I'd probably ended up not believing him and calling his words lies. I found out that he had a boyfriend too, one who knew what he did. His name was Mark and he helped Peter to forgive himself which, for some reason, made me happy. Peter was and always would be a nice person, a good friend and I knew he didn't mean to hurt me that badly. Still, it happened and after some weeks of just texting and calling I was ready to forgive him. Not forget but forgive him and start a new friendship. He cried when I told him that and it was the first time I smiled hearing his voice. He whispered a thank you, told me over and over again that he was sorry, so sorry and I tried to convince him that it was fine. I told my friends about it and though they were insecure they still accepted it and were even ready to meet Peter. Of course, he was their friend too.

We went to Blaine's bar on Saturday, which also was Valentines Day. After Peter, I really disliked Valentines Day, well I disliked everything close to roses and love sick people. Though, with Blaine I knew it could be magical and he somehow made me like those things all over again. It was just that Blaine was distant. Really. That morning I woke him up by sucking his dick and though he enjoyed it for a while he didn't cum and asked me to stop. With a small smile, a caress over my cheek and a short kiss on my lips he stood up and took a shower. We ate breakfast together, in silence, and then he left to meet his dad. We weren't talking about moving together, we weren't talking about anything like we used to. It was always Blaine who asked me how things were with Peter and smiled when I said we were on a good way. But when I asked him what was wrong I got the same answer, over and over again. He was tired because of his new job and the stuff with Cyrus. Well, I had no idea what he was working at, what his text was about and I for sure had no fucking idea why Cyrus was still a topic. Only my trust in Blaine made me tongue-tied. However, this didn't mean it didn't hurt.

 

The bar was swimming in red colors, hearts pinned on the walls, flowers decorating the tables and all those well known love songs playing in the background. And couples, oh so many couples being a couple and of course Blaine and I sat together, holding our hands and listening to our friends but it felt not how it should had been. I excused myself and joined Mercedes at the bar, ordering drinks and sighed when we made eye contact.

“What's that face, Boo? It's Valentines Day and your Prince is with you.”

I couldn't help but give her a smile because it was true. Blaine was everything I wanted and dreamed of without even knowing it.

“My Prince might be here with me but his mind is somewhere else. Actually it's like this since I've met Peter again.”

“Well, we are all kind of... unsure about Peter.”

I shook my head no and ordered a drink for me and Blaine.

“It was Blaine who was like, go for it and meet your ex, you know?”

She gave me this surprised look and yes, I wasn't the only one thinking this was odd. Because it was. He was my boyfriend and without any hesitation he gave me the advice to meet my ex, who in fact was the guy I had almost married.

“Blaine told you to meet him? That's... strange?”

“I know, right? But he was talking about that each person deserves a second chance and that maybe I'll regret not meeting him at some point in the future. He has a point, of course but it's still weird hearing my boyfriend saying I should meet my ex.”

I took a deep breath, needing to let this all out and felt a bit bad telling her about my thoughts and not my boyfriend. But he was so distant, so far away although he slept next to me each night. I was just scared that I would make a wrong move and lose him. Each step I took since I met Peter felt like I was walking over thin eyes.

“I mean... isn't he afraid or jealous? Peter is my ex, I wanted to marry him and this does nothing to Blaine?”

Mercedes squeezed my shoulder, giving me small smile but her eyes were filled with worry. Our drinks came and I took a long sip suddenly feeling very thirsty.

“Maybe he is and doesn't want to cause you trouble, you know? I mean we all have a past and people in the past and maybe he really wanted you to meet your old friend, not being afraid or jealous at all.”

Maybe she was right. Maybe Blaine was really this kind person, trusting me without condition, loving me the way that made sure I was happy, even without him. Which was of course not true. There was noone who could make me as happy as he did. Still, all of this didn't explain why he was so distant to me. Nothing helped, no kiss, no cuddling, no blowjob, nothing and it was fucking Valentines Day. I almost wanted to laugh at myself believing this day would be amazing, that I would actually enjoy this day. I didn't tell her about that because this was really something only between me and Blaine.

“It will be fine,” she said and her smile changed as I looked back at her, her eyes moving behind us and I turned around, seeing Blaine looking for me. We walked back to our friends, drinks in our hands and I nodded over her encouraging hand on my back. Well I was deeply and helplessly in love with him so when our eyes met I had to smile and he smiled back.

 

We drank some more, laughed, danced and talked about work and life. We all but Blaine. He made no sad face, no sign of being annoyed was shown, no. He just sat next to me, smiling politely and listening. He even talked with Mark and Peter who both talked about their work and Blaine nodded, asked some questions and shared his opinion. Stuff like he could really understand why I and Peter dated for a while because our jobs were complementary at times. Which was like an alternative univers for me. My boyfriend and my ex getting along? Okay, maybe Mercedes was right and he didn't feel any jealousy or any fear because he gave Peter a chance but I? Deep inside me I wished he would be jealous, maybe I really did wish that – let's be honest, a jealous Blaine would have been hot, like really – and then I felt like a bad person wanting this. And then Blaine would turn back to me, give me this warm smile and squeeze my hand but nothing else. For once I didn't feel happy. I was angry.

 

* * *

 

Back home I took my jacket off, slipped out of my shoes and walked to the bathroom, ignoring Blaine who closed the door behind me. I didn't want to talk, not with alcohol in my system, not with the mess inside my mind. Why I was angry? I had no idea, not really. But this distance was eating my soul and my mood was horrible. This had nothing to do with me imaging jealous Blaine, or me wanting him to act like a boyfriend usually would do – because he was anything but usual, he was special. But this Valentines Day sucked ass and I for sure wouldn't get some fun from my boyfriend tonight. I was so sure that when I wanted to enter the bathroom I almost ignored the huge bouquet of red roses standing in a vase on the kitchen counter. First I seriously questioned if this was from Blaine, but then, who else could just walk inside my apartment and leave those roses there? No one. And though this gesture was absolutely lovely, just so Blaine I did anything to not smile, to not show how much it moved me, meant to me. A bouquet of roses couldn't fix what happened in the past weeks. Not until I knew what was going on.

I heard how he placed the keys on the dark wood of the kitchen counter, I saw how his eyes were focused on the roses and no smile was on his face either. What was that? What did I miss so we both stood there like strangers?

“I take a shower,” was all I said before I left to the bathroom and took my time. I didn't even bother shaving or anything special, like something would happen between us tonight, and I was a bit too drunk to trust myself not to slip and get hurt. But it felt good, feeling the warm water running down my skin, the only warmth touching me since the last time Blaine touched me in a way which made my body burn. After that I rubbed myself dry, walked into my – our – bedroom and changed into some pajamas. Blaine wasn't there and I couldn't care less at that moment. Sighing deep and exhausted I crawled under the covers, heard the shower going one a second time and faced the window, not the door. Wishing I had fallen asleep immediately I stayed awake far too used to feel Blaine sleeping next to me and waited. It was almost 3a.m. Sunday, our day free and I weighed the options I had. The first one was of course talking but Blaine was so good at convincing me things were fine he was just busy. He was busy, we all were but I had no idea with what he was so busy. No, I didn't think he was lying and had something going on with Cyrus, not at all. And his new job? Yeah, of course it could keep him busy since he wasn't working for a long time. My second thought was waiting, but this would just kill me more and more. The third thought was asking his parents, but this felt really wrong. Talking would have been good, the most important part in a relationship: Communication. It was just that I could easily snap, Blaine too and I really didn't want us to fight over, maybe, nothing. And not thanking him for the roses was an ass move from me. Really. He was probably hating himself right now, of course, he would never blame me for being an ass. My heart ached at that thought and I was almost up, almost leaving the bed and running to the bathroom when I heard the door opening. Blaine closed it, walked over the carpet and I felt him climbing into the bed, right behind me and sat down, obviously not laying. I could feel his eyes on me, probably trying to figure out if I was still awake and I just couldn't take it. Slowly turning around I saw exactly that look I feared to see. Sadness and guilt. I didn't want that. I didn't want us to be like we were. Reaching out I placed my hand on his, making eye contact and whispered: “Thank you.”

There was just the hint of a smile on his face as he laid down, moving closer but keeping still some space between us.

“Anything for you,” he said and before he thought about turning around, facing away I opened my arms and with no hesitation he fell into them, wrapping his arms around me and burying his face into my neck. We held each other, his lips kissing my skin, mine his temple and whispered 'I love yous' as I nuzzled into his damp curls.

 

* * *

 

“He is nice, you know,” Blaine said when we sat on the couch watching whatever was on TV.

“Who?”

“Peter.”

He had all my attention. Turning my head to face him I stared at him in disbelieve and he shrugged.

“What he did is bad, yes. But when I met him yesterday he seemed to be a nice guy.”

Why did we have this conversation, I wondered but shrugged too, trying not to snap and said: “Because he is. And he is happy with Mark. So I'm happy for him.”

My boyfriend hummed, still staring at the TV but not paying real attention to whatever was happening there. Okay, maybe this was the right time I thought and gave it a try.

“Can you tell me what is wrong with us?”

“I told you I'm just busy, Kurt.”

“Well, I'm busy too but I still have some energy left for my boyfriend, you know?”

Now Blaine turned his head, looking at me with raised eyebrows: “Is this about sex?”

My eyebrows shoot up, a not happy laugh fell from my lips and wow, what the fuck?

“It's not. Wow, I can't believe it.”

“Kurt. I'm sorry for the last weeks. But like I told you, I'm just-”

“Busy. Yes, I know. I'm listening when you are talking to me, Blaine. But I also see that there is something else and you just won't spill it.”

He bit his lip, avoiding my eyes and I knew this move. This was Blaine keeping something from me and it made me angry. Yes, I felt the anger from last night coming up but tried to be calm. No yelling, no snapping, I echoed it in my head.

“You can talk to me. You know that. But you've been acting so... strange. Since you told me to meet Peter. Blaine, seriously, this is my ex and you as my boyfriend should at least feel a bit, I don't know, alarmed?”

“It's not about him. Not really,” he said and I groaned. Holy fuck!

“Then what is it? I have no idea what's wrong and it... it scares me,” whoop, there it was and Blaine's wide eyes were enough proof for me that he didn't think that. Yes, it scared me how we were and that he was slipping away from me.

“Scared, huh? Actually I'm the one who is scared.”

What? What about? This was new, like really. Why would Blaine be scared when all I ever did and say was for him and about him. My mind was running, chasing all the memories to find the one were I could ever had said or done something to scare Blaine. Meeting Peter? Was he scared about that? No, why would he, he was the one telling me to meet him. So...

“Because of him? Blaine, he has a boyfriend and, just to remind you, you told me to meet him. But even so, I don't want him and never will.”

“But, he is successful,” he said in a small voice and confused me a lot. What? Peter's success was now the reason why we had a pretty hard time? Blinking he noticed my confusion and there was something new in his face. Something I hadn't seen before. Was that, shame? Was Blaine ashamed of something? Oh, my heart pounded so hard I wasn't sure what this meant also this bad feeling running down my neck.

“I don't understand...”

“No. It's okay. Forget it,” he said and wanted to stand up but I grabbed his hand and made him stay. No, I wouldn't let him walk away from this and make things harder. I couldn't do this like it was anymore.

“Talk to me, please. You scare the shit out of me, really.”

His lips were trembling, his eyes focused on me and moving down to our hands. This was something huge, something that hurt him so much and scared Blaine so much that he was even afraid to name it.

“You'll leave me. I know you will.”

Huh?!

“What?”

“Because... because I'm not like that. I'm just a spoiled brat while you... you all just work so hard and have all this success.”

He took a breath and looked me in the eye: “You are all doing something you love and you all are good at it. It... it didn't bother me at first. But when I saw that card from Peter, knowing that he was so successful, knowing you were together with him and now he is just... so much bigger than I'll ever be it scared me.”

“That's why you wanted me to be friend with him?”

Blaine nodded and it made just no sense for me. Why did he do this to himself?

“All your friends are and I just... I'm noone.”

“That's bullshit,” I almost snapped and squeezed his hand, maybe a bit too strong. Oh god, he was talking so much crap I almost laughed because being angry felt wrong.

“It's not. I'm lucky that I have the money from my grandma. But I never worked for something like you guys do. I just took everything and it makes me feel like I'm noone compared to you guys. But I don't want your friends to notice this, or you.”

So, to sum it up, he was beating himself because he never had to work for something? For me this never was an issue because he was anything but a spoiled brat. He was this lovely, helping guy I got to know. Always having the best in his mind, loving me like nobody else ever could and just... being this amazing guys he was who made me love the things I used to dislike. How could someone think I wouldn't want him or wouldn't want him anymore because he wasn't working for something or because he had no company wearing his name like I did. How could he think I would leave him for this?

“You are stupid, you know?”

“I know,” he breathed and okay, this sounded completely wrong. With a sigh I moved closer, kissing his cheek and pulling him into my arms. Oh crap, how could this adorable guy be able to beat himself up so much?

“I didn't mean it like that.”

“I just,” he began and pressed himself against me, holding me like I was his lifeline: “I want to be everything you need and want. Like you are for me.”

“You are, Blaine. Why are you thinking you are not? I don't care if you are successful or not. Seriously.”

I felt him relaxing my arms, feeling how some of the tension left his body.

“Did I ever make you feel like this?”

“No. Of course not,” he mumbled.

“Then stop thinking I would do that. Because I won't.”

“I try, okay?”

“Okay. But believe me,” I said kissing his forehead as he calmed down in my arms more and more.

I never wanted to make him feel like this. He might said I didn't but something must happened that made him feel like this. And maybe he was just as insecure as I was at times. The Blaine who always smiled, who always cared about someone and knew how to move me, touch my heart and love me could also be confused and scared. And though the last weeks were hard, though I almost lost it, I was happy to know this. To see this side. The one where he showed me how much he loved me, wanted me to love him and right there I truly believed it, truly understood it. I could even see it. My life, the rest of the time I was supposed to live would be with him at my side. With this man who just wanted me to love him, be perfect for me and doing anything so I never ever found a reason to leave him. With this man who just loved me in a way I couldn't understand. But I wanted it, I felt the same way and held it, wanted to hold it forever.

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

 

Chapter 18. Proud Part 2

 

Knowing how much Blaine loved me was both scary and unreal. I knew him for almost a year but I was together with him for almost six months and already knew we were it. After he told me what had bothered him so much that he couldn't even relax around me or sleep with me I realized that my knowledge about love was completely wrong.

When I met Peter I wasn't all over moon. I fell in love with him after a while and when we eventually became boyfriends I never imagined to marry him one day. I always thought we would just be boyfriends for a while and break up but be friends. Somehow this never happened and we were so used to be together, we really liked each other and I was able to imagine a future with him. At least it felt like that when we were together. We were good, we had fun, our jobs could easily be connected. But when I thought back to the day I saw Blaine for the first time I realized how wrong I was. Seeing Blaine felt like new doors were going open for me. Doors which were hiding the sun I wanted to feel again, the sun only shining when you loved someone. It was different to the love I felt for Peter. Maybe it was more vivid, maybe deeper, maybe more real. Yeah, it was more but also something I knew I couldn't live without or ever forget. I wanted to understand all these feelings, I wanted to call them mine and when I could it felt like too much. So I kept my sanity close to me and waited, waited until I could say it and feeling even closer to Blaine. So close, I never felt so close to someone. And with each passing day this feeling grew deeper, flowing into my heart. I wasn't even aware I could feel so much. So when Blaine told me why he acted so strange everything made sense, everything felt right. Of course his words made me breathless. Everything he was doing was for him, of course, but also because he loved me and wanted me to love him. He was scared, so much, that I would leave him because he wasn't working for his success, because he didn't have what we all had. I never thought about this to be a reason for Blaine to feel insecure or less important, like no one, like he wasn't worth being a part of my life. Which was of course nonsense. I loved him for who he was, without any condition. The fact that someone could love me as much as Blaine did, want me and be there for me... it was unreal and scary. I should have been the one scared that he would stop loving me. But I knew this love wouldn't end. Never. It felt so good and whenever I reminded myself that it was indeed real I felt all those butterflies in my belly.

 

However, I'd been also an asshole and so I ended up walking into my office with a bouquet of roses in my hand. It was March, which was one of those busy months we had and luckily I found some time after my work was done to buy the roses. I really couldn't wait to see Blaine's face, his huge smile, his cheeks turning pink and being the happiest he could be. Yes, I knew I would blush too and probably be nervous as hell. Like had sex with him, I knew how he looked like when he was naked, we shared stuff we wouldn't even tell our friends and still I could be nervous around him and I really liked it. Inside my office I left my bag there, not needing it at home and took my keys heading back out and switching the lights off. Yeah, I was always the last one going in the past weeks. I turned the alarm system on, closed the door, locked it and turned around to walk to my car as I saw someone I never imagined to ever meet. At least not like this.

But there he stood, eyes blue, hair blond and perfectly styled and wearing some dark designer clothes like months ago. The first thought which crossed my mind was that Blaine was right, this guy was creepy. I mean he stood right next to my car, knew which one was my car and this smirk on his face dedicated to me. Creepy fucker.

“Hello, Kurt,” said Cyrus with a voice I really didn't like. It wasn't too high or too low it was just annoying. Well, maybe I wanted to think it was annoying because this was Blaine's ex who ruined my boyfriends life, almost.

“Cyrus,” I answered, passed him and wanted to open my car as he spoke again.

“Still with Blaine?”

Standing still I only raised one eyebrow, opening the door and placing the flowers on the passenger seat.

“I read the articles about you and your success, also how they mention your handsome boyfriend. Like he is some adjunct you just care around with you.”

Don't freak out, I told myself, he is trying to mess with your head.

“Must be terrific for him. I'm serious. It's not like he knows how it feels to work for something.”

Okay, that was definitely enough.

“Well, he is my boyfriend not yours, right? So it's none of your business what kind of relationship we have.”

Cyrus rolled his eyes, smirked and then shrugged: “Oh, I honestly don't care. I just came here to see Blaine's new boyfriend with my own eyes.”

What? Like, this guy was really creepy. Like, I have met a lot of people in my life but no one like Cyrus and I really tried to understand and see how Blaine had been together with him and even wanted to marry him. Just seeing him, knowing what he did and now listening to his voice I really didn't get it.

“Listen, Cyrus. I don't want you near me or Blaine, got it? He is probably too nice to call you out on your shit but I'm not.”

“My shit, huh? If he had kept his promise nothing would have had happened. Easy as that.”

Actually I didn't want to talk to him or explain him things. I promised Blaine to not do that. Though, at the same time I wasn't Blaine and what his ex had done was too much to ignore. Was there anyone who called him out? Just once? Or was he just too focused on himself, too cocksure of himself? Whatever it was I wouldn't stay silent and ignore it and let him go. No. It was not just about me it was also about Blaine, about us and Cyrus should know he couldn't mess with us.

“Listen you pathetic little shit. Whatever happened is in the past and it would be better if you just accept it and deal with it. I don't want you near me, or Blaine or hear anything from you. If you can't stay away from us you'll regret it. I'm not joking and I'm not like Blaine. If I'll hear or see anything from you that tells me you want to ruin him I'll do everything to not let that happen.”

“I'm not here to fight with you. Have Blaine, I don't care,” he said and his cold eyes found mine.

“Than it shouldn't be a problem to stay away form us and get a life.”

With that I climbed into the driver seat and drove away. He wasn't worth my time or my attention. Blaine said he would deal with him and I trusted Blaine. But, damn, it felt good to call him out.

 

* * *

 

Back home I started to cook something for us, putting some candles on the coffee table and adjusted the pillows and the two blankets on the couch. It was about time that I would do something romantic for Blaine and finally get an evening just us, eating, talking, cuddling and watching a movie. Just something simple which meant to much for the both of us. Of course sex was awesome and of course we were happy just the way we were. But, recently – especially after Valentines Day – I promised to do something special. The excuse that we were busy didn't work for myself anymore because this was important. Very important. We were finally living together but it still didn't feel like that. There was Blaine's stuff next to mine, like his toothbrush, his clothes, his shoes but it was just his stuff. We haven't been together like I imagined it because we were busy, even on the weekend. Sometimes I really blamed all the weddings I had to plan although I loved my job. But I loved Blaine more. And no Cyrus, no work could do something against it or break us. God, yes, he made me really upset this little piece of shit. Still I wasn't planning on telling Blaine about it. No, I could imagine his face, all the worry, anger and how he struggled with himself, blaming himself and probably closing up and dealing with this alone. Yes, we promised each other to tell anything, to share anything and work on it together but I also understood that there were things we needed to deal with alone and, maybe, share later.

Back in the kitchen I opened the oven, making sure the Lasagne wasn't burned and smiled when I heard the door going open, the familiar sigh, the bag falling to the floor and how Blaine slipped out of his shoes. Closing the oven I turned around, waiting for him to appear behind the wall and when I saw him eyed his raised eyebrows, how he untied his bowtie and when he noticed me he smiled, warm and lovely.

“Did I forget something? Someone's coming?” he asked, looking way too good in his shirt, tugged into his jeans and showing his small waist which was obviously something I really loved about his body. He was small but his shoulders broad and fitted just right when I held him.

“No,” I almost giggled and though he gave me a confused look he couldn't help himself and smile back, wrapping his arms around me when he was close enough and pressing a sweet kiss on my lips. Jeez, just this small peck and I my knees were weak.

“It's for you, silly.”

“For me? Because I did... what?”

Sighing I kissed him again, running my hands down his arms and watching his huge eyes closely, how they tried to figure out why this was happening. And in such an adorable way it was almost unreal.

“Because I love you. Because you are an amazing boyfriend. Because we should do this more often and be silly romantic.”

With each reason his cheeks turned more and more red and his whole body shivered with happiness and perhaps even excitement. Oh, and probably love because yes, this was an act of love from my side.

“And this is also an act from me to apologize. I almost ruined our Valentines Day.”

“Let's not talk about it,” he shook his head no, smiling wide and happy, his white teeth showing: “It's in the past.”

I nodded, smiling with him and turning around so Blaine had to let me go.

“What are you cooking?”

“Lasagne. Your favorite.”

“Oh my god, thank you,” he said, kissing my neck and turning to the living room, hearing his gasp.

“There are candles and... flowers? Are they for me?”

“Of course,” I laughed opening the oven to get the lasagne out.

“Oh my god!” I heard him again, his voice almost childlike and when I turned around, to see what he was doing, I saw him smelling the roses while his eyes were shining golden and warm.

 

While eating we talked about our day. Blaine told me about his article which was supposed to be published next week but not telling me what it was about. He said he wanted to surprise me. I told him about the wedding I was planning for a pretty annoying couple. They were rather exhausting than annoying because they had some crazy ideas for their wedding and always changed their mind no matter what it was about. When we finished eating and cleaned the dishes together he said: “Speaking of weddings. My brother called me today and told me about his wedding. August the first.”

Ah, his mysterious brother Cooper which I hadn't met yet.

“And... if we are still... together. I... I would like you to go there with me.”

I stopped what I was doing, turning my head to look at him and seeing his hopeful look, how small he suddenly was and how on earth could he think that. How could he still think I wouldn't want that, I wouldn't want him? My silly boyfriend. Smiling I leaned closer, kissing his lips and whispered: “Of course we'll be together.”

His smile, real and happy was answer enough for me. After everything was clean we changed into our pajamas and ended on the couch. Me being the little spoon, pressing my back against his chest and my hand resting on his, which was just above my heart, holding me warm, safe and close. Blankets covering us, pillows to rest our bodies on, candles burning and the movie Intouchables playing on the TV. But what made it perfect was Blaine, us, being us and breathing each other in, sharing giggles at the funny parts, sharing some kisses and just be. Sometimes his fingers ran soothing circles over my heart, sometimes his lips kissed my ear, but always, we both were always smiling. It was perfect, so perfect to finally have what I was looking for. Who knew the warmth of a body could be such an addiction, a need, that when he wasn't near me it almost hurt. His hot breath, his voice against my skin and I felt my hairs standing up, goosebumbs and how it became harder to breath. Who knew I would ever notice all those things and need them as often as possible. After the movie was over we went to our bed, still having those warm, wide smiles on our lips, whispering our love for the other and I made it into my mission to convince Blaine to never ever have any doubts that I wouldn't want him.

 

* * *

 

“I think it should be red, Martin,” Lisa, a woman with long blond hair said and her husband-to-be sighed for the I lost count of his sighs. We were in a huge restaurant, one of those expensive ones and I literally dreaded this day to work with them again. Lisa was a sweetheart but she was also pretty unsure and having ideas about decoration, food, the whole wedding in general it was hard to talk some sense into her because she wanted it to be perfect. Of course, each person wanted their wedding to be perfect and luckily I was used to those people. Still, they were exhausting at times and I took a lot of patience to not freak out or snap because it was unprofessional to do that. So whenever they weren't looking at me I rolled my eyes, wondering if, one day I could see my brain because of the many times I rolled my eyes during my job. I heard them discussing about flowers and the sitting order while my phone buzzed. Pulling it out of my pants I saw a new message from Blaine asking me where I was because he was on his break and, god yes, please let him come here even if it was just for five minutes. Just his huge shining eyes were enough to take me out of my misery. It felt much longer until he arrived, smiling when he entered the restaurant with two cups of coffee and smiling like always, even wider this time. The couple still talking, well Lisa more snapping than talking. I almost felt sorry for Martin who smiled and nodded, not wanting to make her even more nervous or upset.

“Hey,” my boyfriend breathed, looking, like always, so handsome with his gelled hair, his purple bow tie, jeans and a flannel shirt.

“You literally saved me,” I almost groaned, taking the cup with a thank you and he leaned closer, kissing my cheek.

“I did?” Blaine asked and looked around, seeing the couple and trying not to grin by how loud Lisa became.

“For how long is it like that?”

“For two hours. Two whole hours. I'm just sitting here and listening, giving them my advice but, you know, some people just won't listen,” I said quietly and sat back down on my chair and Blaine next to me, still having this new smile on his lips. If I wasn't mistaken he looked even excited, wriggling in his chair and glancing to the couple and back down to his cup until he finally spoke.

“My report came out today. So, I'm excited about the reviews. I put a lot of work in it like you know.”

Oh yeah, I knew. Though it was annoying sometimes that he wouldn't tell me what it was about – which also caused some trouble in our relationship – I trusted him that he would share it with me at the right time. Perhaps this time finally arrived. Giving him a smile, sipping my coffee I nodded.

“I have a copy with me but I want you to read it when you'll be home, okay?”

He opened his bag, handing me a heavy envelope and of course I raised both eyebrows.

“And avoid magazines, please. I really want you to read it at home and share your thoughts with me.”

Taking the envelope, feeling the weight in my hands I couldn't help myself but give him a suspicious look. It was only a report – okay, an important one for him – and he acted like he made a crime. Now he woke up my curiosity and I felt my fingers trying to not tear the envelope open and finally find out what my boyfriend was hiding from me for so many weeks. Luckily I had enough sanity to not do that.

“Okay. But I have to say I'm not sure if I should be worried or excited.”

“No need to be worried, love,” he grinned and kissed my lips, calming me down because I felt he wasn't worried. No, his kissed felt more like he was pretty sure that he'd done something good. I had no doubt that he did something good so I smiled into the kiss, tasting the sweet caramel of his coffee on his lips.

“Is this your husband Mr. Hummel?” it was Martin's voice which dragged me out of my heaven. Blaine pulled back a bit too fast, probably worried if this was okay or not. Well, I was allowed to kiss my boyfriend no matter where I was. I mean, counting down the times I saw all these couples kissing – sometimes even make out... ugh – there was no need to hide or not be allowed to do the same. Also, it was not like Blaine was with me all the time. We rarely met at our workplace.

“You both are so cute, oh my god,” Lisa whispered, her voice higher than usually and I almost blushed.

“Er... no, he is my boyfriend this-”

“Oh! I know! You are Blaine Anderson, son of the famous Anderson fashion line,” Lisa exclaimed and I pleaded to whoever was listening that she wouldn't mention the wedding, or Rachel. Seriously I didn't need Blaine to feel bad right now or talk about this. Fortunately she said nothing about that but kept on swaying and saying how cute we were and then: “But you said boyfriend. Aren't you both wanting to get married? I mean you have the right to now.”

“Lisa, please,” Martin said, his voice a bit warning – I mean he knew I was gay, like any other person I was working with – because it was none of her business. And it wasn't but it didn't bother me. Actually, it made me ask myself if I wanted to marry Blaine. The first answer was of course yes because there was no doubt in my head or heart. I just wasn't sure how Blaine thought about it or if he wanted to marry someone at all after all this drama. I understood it if he didn't want to although getting married meant a lot to me, otherwise I wouldn't do this job. That's why I said nothing, unsure what to say, unsure what Blaine thought about all of this. Though, when I looked at him he had this small shy smile on his lips and looked down at his cup.

“Sorry,” she eventually said and the small tension faded, luckily.

“So have you decided how you want this room to be decorated?” I asked and then she began talking again, not to us but to her fiancé. Blaine looked up, at me and still he had a smile on his lips so... things were okay, I guessed.

“Should I pick you up later? I'm not as busy as usually today.”

“I'll meet my dad later. Don't know how long it will take and I don't want you to wait for hours.”

Nodding I leaned back: “What do you want for dinner? Thai? Or Italian?”

“Thai is fine with me,” he said and stood up, leaning down and kissed me.

“You have to go already?” I tried not to moan.

“Sorry, love. I need to get back to work. And you'll wait for me okay? Before you read it?”

“Of course,” I smiled.

 

But it wasn't that easy. And not because of my own curiosity.

 

“Kurt! Oh my god!” Mercedes was the first one, basically running into my door and holding some magazine in her hands, waving with it while I covered my eyes.

“You boyfriend-”

“No!”

“What?”

I still covered my eyes with my hands and shook my head: “No word! No magazine! Blaine wants me to read it with him!”

“Oh, okay,” said Mercedes clearly grinning like crazy judging by the sound of her voice.

An hour later it was Santana who opened my door so that it hit the wall. Her hands were empty but her voice was loud: “You boyfriend is such a badass! I'm seriously-”

“Lalalala,” I sang loudly stuffing my fingers into my ears and watching her face change into confusion, surprise and then a thrown.

“I don't want to hear about it! Blaine wants me to read it with him!”

And she left with a smug smile.

There were messages from Rachel on my phone, from Finn and I decided to turn my phone off before I, accidentally, saw something I shouldn't have seen then. Good that I had two phones, one for work one for myself so I wouldn't miss any calls from my customers.

Finally, when I was able to go home I sighed in relief as I drove through the street and arrived, safe from voices and magazines in our apartment. Exhausted I fell down on the couch, groaned and thought about just laying there and wait but my clothes felt to tight and I really wanted to take a shower before Blaine was here. And I needed to do something because after almost each person in my agency came to me wanting to tell me something about the article, telling me how awesome – or badass – Blaine was and curiosity almost took the better from me. Badass? Seriously? When I thought about the Blaine Anderson I met for the first time, yes, it wasn't hard to describe him as a badass. But Blaine Anderson was no badass for me anymore but more like my own heaven, handsome, warm and loving me in a way I would probably never understand. After the shower I cleaned up a bit tough there wasn't much to do. An hour left, another and I found myself between all the books I had sorting them by author and finally the door was opened.

“What are you doing?” Blaine laughed.

“Going crazy!” I groaned and wriggled my way out of all the books, covering almost the whole floor of my living room.

“What's wrong with your phone? I was worried,” he asked as he took his jacket and shoes off, while I waited impatiently in the middle of the hallway, holding my weight on one leg and then the other.

“Each person I know saw your article so I turned it off before I saw or read something I shouldn't”

His smile was gone, eyebrows raised and walking to me: “But you haven't.”

“No. But I want to. I want to understand why they are all freaking out. I mean not in a bad way.”

“Okay.”

I followed him into the living room, watching him playing with his fingers, being nervous for whatever reason. What was wrong with this article? They all were positively surprised, Santana even called him a badass so it must be something good? Then why was he so nervous?

“Okay,” he breathed taking the envelope from the coffee table where I left it and handed it to me: “Just read it and then tell me what you think.”

Nodding I opened the envelope, seeing the cover of the magazine Blaine was working for – with a picture of a woman with a dog and read the big lines to find something familiar. Ah, there it was _'Blaine Anderson spills the truth'_. Huh? As asked I didn't look at Blaine and opened the magazine, scanning the guide and finding the page with the article. Opening it the first thing I saw was a picture of Cyrus and two pages covered in words, phrases and began to read it. The first part was about how they met, the second part about Cyrus and Blaine's parents and their fashion line. Then how Cyrus blackmailed them and what Blaine had to do. My eyes went wide as I read how Blaine called Cyrus out, listed all the things he was ready to do and did. There weren't any bad words but this article clearly told what kind of person his ex was and the last part was about how he felt sorry for him, being blinded by money and success though he didn't care. It was an article about all the things I wanted Blaine to do, to call him out, to stop him and not let him go away with it. I knew that Blaine knew enough about his ex so people would think twice about it before they wanted to work with him. Yet, he kept the article professional, not too mean but the message clear enough with words I knew but would never come up with. With words putted together in such a good way I wondered how he was able to not follow this job for years. Seriously, my boyfriend was freaking talented and brave, not that I had any doubts, but seeing this and knowing I wasn't wrong let my heart grow with warmth.

Slowly I looked up, hearing Blaine breathing a bit faster, watching his fingers fumbling with the hem of his shirt and his eyes focused on me, studying my face. There was so much hope in his eyes mixed with dread and as his lips opened I almost didn't hear his words.

“I did this for us so... to show him he can't rule over my life, over us.”

“Blaine, this... this is amazing. I mean, you know I wouldn't support something like this if it wasn't true. But this here is just amazing. Seriously.”

His shoulders still were tense, eyes still focused on me with the same expression and after what felt like eternity he asked: “Are you proud of me?”

It almost broke my heart that he had to ask this, to make sure I was proud to have him, for who he was, for what he can do. And of course, how could I not be. Even without this article I was proud of him.

“Of course I am. I'm always proud of you.”

Maybe I should have told him this way sooner because after my words his shoulders fell, his face became soft and for the first time in weeks he finally, finally wasn't looking like his head could explode any minute, like he held all the worries of the world on his shoulders. Just now I noticed how much it cost him his strength to write this, actually publish it and not just for me, but also to show that he could fight when he wanted to.

“Honey, don't think I'm not proud of you,” I said, placing the magazine down on the table and wrapping my arms around him, holding him close, strong and trying to make all these doubts go away. They needed to go away.

“I wanted to show you that I... I could do something, too. Be good at something, too. Also I wanted to proof it to myself,” he explained when he hugged me back: “But I could only do it because I have you.”

“You have me. All of me,” I said, leaning back and holding his face gently in my hands. His eyes were glistening with tears and so were mine: “I'm proud and I love you, so much I hope you understand just how much.” His smile grew wider, reaching his eyes as a tear ran down his cheek.

“I probably don't understand how much... because I still don't understand how much _I_ love you.” A tear ran down my cheek because of all the good things I felt at this moment. And then my eyes looked at his lips pink and smiling and I just needed to kiss him because of all the things we said and more.

* * *

 

It worked out just the way Blaine had planned it. Not that he wanted to seriously ruin Cyrus but at least let people know what he was capable of. So, after his article came out things turned into the better for his family and also for him. It was seriously crazy watching this but making me so happy and giddy with proud and love when Blaine tried to wrap his mind around all the things that were happening in the next weeks. First Cyrus seriously stopped his blackmailing, then Blaine's parents and Rachel's dads finally put their two fashion lines together without being worried someone might take it away from them. Blaine though had other things to deal with. He got many reviews on his article, many stories about Cyrus and how other people thought the same about him after they were working with him. Also reviews about his writing, many actually. They all were saying how talented he was, how much structure he had in his writing and how honest it was. All these things Blaine never imagined to hear from strangers. However, there was more. Some magazines wanted to have him in their team, some people asked him if he could write their stories down because they think it's important to share them. Blaine Anderson was no longer the boyfriend of Kurt Hummel, or the son of the famous fashion line. No. Blaine Anderson was more than that. He was himself, with his own talent, his own name, his own image. I remembered – it was the end of May – how he was laying in my arms, nuzzling against my neck and whispering: “This is not what I hoped would happen. But... it's amazing.” And I would smile, kiss his forehead and tell him that he was special, that I was proud and so happy for him. And that I loved him.

 

 


	20. Epilogue

 

**Epilogue**

 

Though I planned a lot of weddings and saw a lot weddings it was always different to actually be a guest and not responsible for anything. Of course my eyes were wandering, inhaling all the soft yellow and white colors, the clothes – there were so many suits and dresses - , flowers, fabric and only when Blaine squeezed my hand I found my way back to reality.

“You have this look like... when you are working.”

“Uh... sorry. Just a habit,” I said, as we were sitting in the first row waiting for the ceremony to begin.

“It's fine. I just want you to enjoy all of this and take a break.”

I smiled back and was trying not to act like I was working so I glanced at Blaine's parents, his mother having tears in her eyes and his father standing next to Cooper, smiling proudly. Though they were rich they kept this wedding pretty small which was surprising for me but also endearing.

The music began and the bride walked in, people turning around and smiling. I heard Blaine's mother sobbing while Blaine squeezed my hand again, smiling as Sarah – dressed in a white gorgeous dress – and her father walked down the aisle. Leaning back I began to just enjoy all of this without thinking too much. This was about Blaine's brother and their family and I was part of it. They wanted me to be part of it and I wanted to be part of their family. Watching Cooper and Sarah saying their vows, making their promises and looking at each other with so much love and warmth I couldn't help myself but imagine me and Blaine doing this. Getting married. We were together for almost a year but we both never talked about this. One of those topics I wasn't sure about if we were there yet. Nevertheless, when I looked at him, watching his face glowing with pride as he watched his brother, seeing this little smile, his eyes shining like he was somewhere else inside his head I couldn't help myself but think, yes, I wouldn't want anybody else to marry.

 

Two hours later which were filled with congratulating the married couple, giving gifts and hearing speeches from both parents – and of course some embarrassing stories about when their children were just kids – Cooper and Sarah entered the dance floor, to officially start the party. From my seat I was watching them, already imagining what they prepared for their first dance as a married couple and so far my idea of Cooper was that he was crazy, but lovely, just like all the Andersons were.

“I'll be right back,” said Blaine and stood up and I raised both eyebrows, staring at him with a confused look. He wanted to leave? Now!?

“But the dance.”

“I know,” he smiled warmly and squeezed my shoulder: “That's why I have to go.” And he went leaving me there with completely confused. His mother was sitting two chairs away from me and she gave me a wide smile while I still blinked in confusion. Stretching my neck I looked for Blaine but I found him pretty fast, sitting down in front of a black piano and grinning at his brother who nodded and – oh my god – he didn't tell me about that! Watching him, how his eyes were half open, his smile peaceful and beautiful on his lips while his fingers danced over the keys and playing a beautiful melody which... was familiar. Yes, I knew this song. The couple began to dance, slowly, close and totally in love but all I could do was watch my boyfriend as soon as he began to sing. Yes, he had all of my attention.

 

 _I can only give you love that lasts forever_  
And a promise to be near each time you call,  
And the only heart I own  
For you and you alone,  
That's all, that's all. 

 

Of course this was all about his brother and his wife. Of course they were the reason we were here. But when he began to sing, all these sweet words and when he didn't close his eyes but was looking at me I... I wasn't able to help myself but forget everything and everyone around us.

 _I can only give you country walks in springtime_  
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall,  
And a love whose burning light  
Will warm the winter night.  
That's all, that's all. 

 

 _There are those, I am sure, who have told you_  
  
They would give you the world for a toy,  
All I have are these arms to enfold you  
And a love time can never destroy 

 

There was only us, only Blaine and I whenever he looked at me and sang those words. Maybe even for me. Yes, especially for me.

 

 _If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,_  
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.  
Say it's me that you'll adore  
For now and ever more,  
That's all, that's all.

 

The last notes were played, Blaine biting his lip as he looked back down and blushing slightly just like I did. Then they started to clap, dragging me back to reality and remembering me that I had to breath. He stood up, bowing down and walking to his brother, grinning so hard as they hugged and Blaine nodded to whatever Cooper said to him. Then he hugged Sarah, kissed her cheek and walked back to us. His parents both squeezed his arm, smiling with tears in their eyes and I just sat there, breathless and smiling like an idiot when I was – finally – sitting back next to me. There were so many ideas running through my head like, like just lean closer and press a kiss on his lips, hug him or say something but I was just consumed by so many emotions all I could do was looking at him and squeezing his hand as he took mine, hidden under the table.

Another two hours passed by with people eating, dancing, and the huge wedding cake and some games which filled the white hall with laughter. At some point we both were involved in conversations with his parent or Sarah's parents or people I just got to know. The funniest part was when Cooper came to us, three shots in his hands and insisting Blaine and I had to drink those with him. Of course we agreed and right after that he placed a wet smooch on his brothers cheek, thanking him for the song and saying how proud he was that Blaine stood up for himself. We talked a bit about the article from months ago, then about the wedding in general and, when Blaine kissed my cheek because of something Cooper said – I didn't hear it because the giggles from my boyfriend were too cute to ignore – and his brother waggled with his eyebrows leaving us alone with a knowing look.

 

“Dance with me?” Blaine eventually asked me, holding his hand out for me.

“I was waiting for this!” I said and he laughed, guiding me to the group of dancing people, while others were busy with drinking, talking or eating. I saw Cooper and Sarah sitting with some of their friends laughing about something, Mr Anderson leaning against his wife obviously happily drunk and just then I noticed the slow song. Blaine stopped in the middle of the dance floor, turned around and instinctively I came closer, feeling his hand holding mine, the other resting on my waist and smiling, utterly and completely blown away by love and happiness. I had no doubt that I had the same expression. Without saying anything we danced, slowly, not breaking eye contact and just like it should be he wrapped his arms around my waist and mine resting around his shoulder, our foreheads touching. Seriously, maybe it was selfish from me but I forgot them all again, like so many times during that night. Who could blame me when I was dancing with the love of my life. Uh, I took a shaking breath as the thought crossed my mind. Yes, he was it. He was all I needed and wanted.

“Weddings do strange things to me,” I breathed.

“Says the one who earns his money through planning them.”

“Touché.”

“But you are right. They do strange things to someone,” said Blaine, now a bit more serious and we both closed our eyes, knowing he wanted to say something more.

“Seeing my brother so happy and finally getting married... I really hope I can... do that too with someone who loves me and I love.”

His hands held me stronger, keeping me close to his body and all the worries, all the question left my body. I had my answers, all of them. So why not teasing him for a while?

“Have you found someone?”

He hummed and I felt him smirking though I couldn't see it.  
“I did. But I don't know if he wants to get married. Knowing his first wedding was a disaster maybe he doesn't want to. And guess what, he is a wedding planner.”

“Sounds like this person is a pretty huge masochist.”

“Maybe. But I love him and hope he'll say yes one day.”

I didn't care if this was a real proposal or not. I didn't care how silly we were acting. All I cared about was that Blaine wanted to get married, that he wanted us to get married and that neither I nor he were against it. Our past didn't take our dreams away. Having our own happily ever after was one of the dreams we had. And having this together was dream we both dreamed together.

“I know for fact that he would say yes in a heartbeat.”

He jerked his head back, eyes wide and staring into mine with an open mouth and, was this really so surprising? Was Blaine still questioning things between us? No, it wasn't that. It was just his sympathy for me that he'd understood it if I said no. Well, with Blaine becoming my husband after what we'd been through? No was no option.

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

And with that answer his whole face was shining like the sun with all the happiness he put into his smile, into his eyes while I fought against urge to role my eyes because, jeez, how could he think I wouldn't want that? However, this wasn't important anymore, his lips were far more important as he pressed them against mine and also that he knew – like I did – that we wanted the same thing.

“But I still want a proper proposal,” I said when we broke the kiss and closed our eyes once more.

“Of course,” he giggled, holding our bodies impossible closer, still swaying to the slow music.

“And you better hurry or I'll propose before you will.”

Blaine laughed about that and I laughed with him while we danced to the last seconds of the song.

 

 


End file.
